Friday, December 19, 2014

Overwhelmed

That is how I've been feeling lately. Very overwhelmed.

Of course it is that time of year where everybody is overwhelmed. All the shopping and parties and endless activities and things to do. And being an introvert, the crowded stores and big gatherings exhaust me. Plus I'm dreading the annual fun of having my bitterly divorced parents in the same state in just a few days (oh I wish Christmas could be like our Thanksgiving), this bipolar weather is wreaking havoc on the fibro, and they upped my meds and I just all around feel like crap.

In the midst of all this, I made the mistake of deciding to sew a few gifts this year. They are things the recipients specifically asked for (and know they're getting) so there's no backing out at this point. Plus Daddy keeps declaring, "they will be done". Pfffft. Okay, okay. They will. But I really think I should've probably started a year ago.

Despite all this, Daddy, for the most part, has been super domly lately. Which is a good thing because I'm whatever the opposite of super submissive is. So he's keeping me moving forward instead of curling up with wine and chocolate on the couch and watching endless Lifetime movies. And last weekend he even brought out the flogger and crop for the first time since like last January and all I can say is whoooeeeee it was so awesome and oh how much I needed that.

Anyways in case I don't make it back here before 2015 (which I most likely won't), I want to wish all my blogging friends the happiest of holidays this year!

Friday, November 28, 2014

Thankful

We did something very different this year for Thanksgiving. And it made me realize how thankful I am for this dynamic.

Phillip and I are blessed with lots of extended family. And I do love them and somewhat like them for the most part. Between us we still have five grandparents living, along with numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on. We have parents, step-parents, brothers and a niece and a nephew.

Relationships with our extended family have always been important to us. The majority of our family vacations are either with family or to see family that live in various parts across the country. I'm so glad that our children have gotten the opportunities to meet and build relationships with so many of our family members over the years.

However, not every family is perfect...certainly not ours. And there is nothing like the holidays to shine a bright light on family dysfunction. On my side it's the fallout from a bitter divorce. On Phillip's side it's one family member who raises a lot of drama and changes the 'rules' every year. I'm a people pleaser. Phillip's pretty laid back. So for the most part we just go along with everybody else, bending and shifting at their whims and doing our best to keep the conflict down and keep things peaceful.

For the most part things have worked themselves into annual traditions for the majority of the holidays. But for some reason, Thanksgiving has always been a mess. Every year as November roles around the tension begins. This person doesn't want to host anymore. This person doesn't want to travel so far. This person wants to invite outside family. This person doesn't. And so on.  Every year, I try. Hosting. Not hosting. Doing anything and everything to accommodate so we can have a happy, stress-free holiday. But no matter what, it seems like it's never enough and somebody isn't happy.

This year as the rumblings started, Phillip decided we were done with the drama. We were going to start our own tradition and give our kids a stress-free Thanksgiving to remember and stay home. Unfortunately our choice this year wasn't exactly popular with some family members, but Phillip said not to worry and let him deal with it. So I did and he did and all went well. We had a big family breakfast before vegging out on the couch to watch the parade. Afterwards we put up the Christmas tree followed by a movie while the turkey finished cooking. We had all the favorites -- turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberries, pumpkin pie followed by an evening of playing board games and card games. It was a perfect day.

This morning my oldest remarked it was the best thanksgiving ever and could we do it again that way next year. Her younger sister seconded her request. It warmed my heart to know how much they enjoyed spending the day as just the four of us.

There is no doubt that this dynamic has brought Phillip and I closer. But it's also brought us closer as a family and helped us realign our priorities and time. It's sharpened our communication skills. Because of this our kids seem happier than they were a few years ago. There is less drama and more smiles and lots and lots of talking. They share things with me that I would've never dreamed talking to my parents about.

Not too long ago our oldest brought a smile to my face that when she told me that she no longer worries about her parents are ever divorcing like she used to and she hopes to have a marriage like ours some day. Now I didn't smile because I hoped she really had a marriage exactly like ours someday. Our kids don't know about our dynamic and there are no plans for them to ever know. Our kids aren't seeing the bruises or rules or toys or their mother tied up while their father spanks her. No...all they see is the love and respect this dynamic has brought and that's why I smiled.

So this week I've found myself very thankful for what this dynamic has done in our home. Despite the sicknesses over this past year and the bad days and the 'off' days and steps backwards. Despite how hard it can sometimes seem. But it's all worth it and I am so very very thankful. Thankful for the deepening bond between Phillip and I. And especially thankful for how it's bringing our little family closer together.  


Friday, November 21, 2014

Blog Reading

So I'm supposed to be doing this blogging thing once a week, and I vowed last week that I wouldn't break that rule again, but I'm really struggling with what to write and now it's late Friday afternoon and I'm out of time. I asked Phillip for some help, but his answer was to write what I feel. That didn't go so well. This week has been a little long between the winter weather we're experiencing and a little family/holiday drama and my feelings have been all over the place. So much so, that I have two half-written messy drafts of mixed-up nothingness.

So I'm going to spare everyone all the crazy word vomit and answer a question that was left in the comments last week on LOL day. (And to that commenter: Thank you, thank you thank you!!!)

The question was: Apart from your own, which blogs do you most like reading?

Well first I'm going to say that I don't like to read my own blog. It's sometimes hard for me to even edit posts (sorry for any and all errors). Reading my own words makes me a little sick to my stomach.

Aside from that though, I honestly can't think of a blog I don't like to read. I love reading blogs and am always excited to find a new one. I know that no community is perfect and blogland has it's issues and drama, but I feel like there's a lot more honest, real, non-judgmental people here and it sure is refreshing. And I've learned so much.

But since you asked for the blogs I like to read the most...well unfortunately several of them have gone private or disappeared altogether, but here are some blogs I've really connected with off the top of my head.

Mouse's blog which I mentioned in my last post. It was the first blog I ever found and the first blog to make me feel not so alone in this submissive world. There's such a beautiful raw honesty in all of her posts.

Submissive Sanctuary was the first blog I found where the D/s relationship came after the marriage. At the time I was a little nervous about changing our dynamic because our marriage at the time was actually pretty good and what if the shift to D/s messed that up. Reading Lil's blog gave me so much hope. Plus she's a really dang good writer.

Misty's blog. I think she's channeling my brain or I'm channeling hers because everything she writes sounds like me. Even Phillip who'll read blogs too from time to time asked me if I wasn't secretly Misty. But it's nice and comforting to read her posts because I don't feel so crazy and  a lot more normal.

Also Pearl, Geekie Kittie, BlondieFondles, and Thoughts From His Slut are some others that I really really enjoy because their posts are often full of such realness and honesty and those are my favorite types of posts. I do enjoy reading the sexy ones (there are some brilliant writers here), but I'm drawn to those everyday raw feeling type posts. I think it's because except for Phillip, there is nobody in my real everyday life who knows about this side of me and sometimes it feels lonely. Reading about other bloggers who've shared thoughts or feelings I've experienced makes me feel a little less lonely and a lot more normal (even if I don't ever get brave enough to comment).

Honestly there's probably a good dozen or two more blogs I obsessively lurk on and I'm discovering some great new ones from LOL day that I've been trying to read from the beginning. It's been a slow process though because Phillip's limits my blog reading. He thinks I overdo it and get impatient and things don't go too well when that happens.

Thanks again to the lurker for the question. Thanks to all the bloggers out their in blog land for continuing to write and share such amazing things everyday (especially after I've been struggling so much this week). Hopefully the words flow better next week.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Finding the Groove

This has been a rollercoaster of a year.  We have had so many ups and downs in our journey this year.  It's been difficult.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am a firm believer that obstacles make you stronger.  We have had our share of them in the last 20 years, as have many couples I'm sure.  Those obstacles have made us who we are today and I'm grateful for each one.

I finally feel like we are beginning to find our groove. Finding what works for us at this moment.  We are beginning to start up some simple rituals that reinforce Aurora's submissiveness. We have been able to throw in some denial.  I can be a little bit rougher sexually.  A lot of those things feed my dominance and her submission. The more submissive she is, the more dominant I get.  The more dominant I get, the more it feeds her submissiveness.  And that is how the groove is found between us.  We begin to feed off of each other.

Sure, there are things that we cannot do physically because of Aurora's condition.  My spanking stick has been living a lonely life for the past 10 months, for instance.  While that is something that both Aurora and I enjoy and need, these past months have taught us how to live without the spanking stick, among other things.  There will be a happy and glorious day when the spanking stick is dusted off and returned to it's rightful place across Aurora's ass.  However, at this point we make due without it if we must. 

I'm convinced that these obstacles have made me a better dominant.  They have made Aurora a slightly more patient submissive. As with anything in life, when faced with an obstacle or barrier...you find a way around it. It may change your path temporarily or even permanently, but it should never stop you.  We have had our pauses and at times it may have even felt like we were going backwards, but as long as you don't give up...you find a new path.  And while I may not move down our path at the pace that Aurora prefers, we're moving and we're moving steady.


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Happy Love Our Lurkers Day!

I really do love lurkers. Probably because I'm pretty much a professional lurker myself. When Phillip proposed a 'power exchange' to me a few years ago, I had to google the words to see what he was talking about. They led me to this blog (which so happens to be called The Power Exchange). And after reading so many of mouse's wonderful posts, I stumbled across even more blogs. So many nights I sat up reading post after post of all these women out here who actually 'get how I feel'. I laughed...I cried... But I stayed silent and lurked here in blog land for well over a year before I got the courage up to ever leave a comment (and even then it was only because I was ordered to).

I lurk mostly because I'm both shy and quiet and insecure and lurking is my comfort zone. Phillip had me start this blog to push me out of that comfort zone last fall and despite life getting in the way this crazy past year, blog land has led me to some new and wonderful friendships and given me courage to speak up in so many other areas of my life. So I know de-lurking and stepping out of that comfort zone is a good thing.

Lately I've been back in that comfort zone by not posting and commenting very much. I'm actually supposed to be blogging once a week (it's in the rule book), but I've been bad about it and Phillip hasn't said anything...yet. But I probably shouldn't push it. So I'm gonna use this day to stop being such a lurker, and if any fellow lurkers out there want to join me, please do. Go to that blog you really connect with, be brave, and say 'hi'. (I left my first, very timid comment here in blog land on that first blog I found...and then proceeded to throw up. I still freak out every time I leave a comment.)

To everybody who reads, lurks, comments, doesn't comment, or just briefly passes by...Thank You!!!! 

And to anyone who wants to say hi and here, please do. Phillip even shut off the comment moderation. Or even e-mail me at becomingaurora@gmail.com.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Growing

Daddy and I e-mail a lot. That's something we've done throughout our dating years and our marriage. We've expressed feelings, resolved fights, and celebrated important days through e-mails and letters. I still have a lot of them...especially from way back when we first met and were dating. Writing has just always been an important part of our relationship.

It's been even more important as we moved into a D/s type relationship. I actually first told Daddy about my submissive feelings via e-mail and for the first year and a half of the relationship we e-mailed each other every day. When he changed jobs, it dropped to a few times a week or so, but that's because we had more time every evening to just cuddle and talk. We still do that every night, but last winter the e-mailing sort of dropped off.

I think that's when all my fears starting creeping in. It was so much easier to be open with Daddy when writing than it is just to tell him. And sometimes I'm not even sure what I want to say until I actually write it. But it seemed the longer we went without the e-mails, the easier it was to curl up and hide back in myself.

Last month, Daddy started the e-mails up again. At first he'd give me a topic or questions and tell me he wanted me to write an answer by a certain date. But it was sooo hard to try to write again especially so I'd wait until the night before and end up having to ask for an extension.

So then he told me he wasn't giving me a due date, but he hoped to hear back within a week or we were going to discuss communication issues. I was sooo frustrated. Sure, I'm not already feeling submissive and now it felt like he was being less dominant...but dang it worked because that's when all my feelings and fears started pouring out and the e-mails have been pretty non-stop since.

When we first started out and were discussing stuff like what we wanted to do and things we didn't think we could do and what limits there would be, Daddy said he didn't want to close any doors. He hoped I could trust him enough that he'd never do anything to harm me emotionally, physically or mentally. I guess it didn't really all hit me what this meant until a little over a year ago when Daddy surprised me with something that he might be interested trying in the future. It's something that hit me hard in the gut...I remember Daddy was at work and it was nighttime and there was a thunderstorm. I spent the night tossing and turning in bed fighting waves of fears.

When Daddy came home, he found me still awake and crying that I didn't think I could handle it, he made me a promise. That if there was something he really wanted that I couldn't handle, it was his job to help me grow to a place where I can handle it. And if I can't, then that's okay. It took a few days of that same promise, but eventually my fears quieted down and the subject was dropped.

Until this past week...it came out in one of our many e-mails. And Daddy let me ask more questions and share all my fears. As he's been answering me, I've been waiting for that 'punch to the gut' feeling again. I've been waiting for the paralyzing fear. But it's been pretty darn quiet. I'm not quite sure it's something I could handle at this very moment, but suddenly it's not something that I don't think I could not handle either.

I think I've been thinking that this past year has been a waste for us...Daddy said the only focus is on me getting better so the kink has taken a backseat. Pretty much a nonexistent backseat We've just been stuck--maybe even sometimes going backwards. But realizing that something that scared the hell out of me a year ago, no longer does, I can only think that maybe I have been growing. Maybe it's the trust formed every time I've reached and found his hand in the doctors' offices. Maybe it's the way he's taken care of me, the promises he's kept. I've recently had to lower the dosage of my medication because it's been affecting my liver enzymes, so this week the doctor talked about considering the possibility of taking a bigger but riskier approach to fighting this disease I have. It would mean basically restarting my whole immune system and there are quite a few things that could go wrong. But I'm not worried. Daddy will decide what to do and I know it will be the right thing for me. I trust in and believe that with all my heart.

Getting past these recent fears has made me see that things between us have been growing over this past year and maybe I've been wrong about 2014. I've had it in my head that this year has gotten in the way of our TTWD. But maybe TTWD is what's getting us through this year.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Afraid

Lately I've been afraid. But I'm not really sure of what.

Maybe it's all the depressing and scary news or that my girls are growing up so fast and I worry constantly about what the future holds for them. Or maybe it's all this health stuff that has made me feel so much older this year and that late at night I can't stop thinking about how the years are flying and how old everybody is getting and how much time do I really have left with them.

And with Daddy...I'm afraid of our dynamic shifting just as much as I'm afraid of it non shifting. One minute I'm all in...I want or rather need to be submissive more than anything in the world. And in the next minute I'm fighting. I get anxious or impatient or bratty or turn into this crazy overemotional wreck. I curl up inside myself and want to hide somewhere where I can go unnoticed. Where nobody will judge me or hurt me or even notice me.

It's hard to hide from Daddy though...he always notices. And he wants to know why I can't let go. What am I so afraid of?

Him? I don't think so. He's never given me a reason to really not trust him. Sure he makes mistakes. Sure he lets me down from time to time, but nobody is perfect. Not him. Certainly not me. And it's one of those things that when I really need him...he's always there. When he's made promises, he does everything possible to see them through. I've known him for over half my life and I know how honest he is, how important integrity is to him, how he demands the truth from all of us in our family (especially himself). And when I did let go last time, I found more happiness and strength than I've ever know. For the first time in my life, I really truly found me. So there's no reason not to trust him. No reason to be afraid. So why am I?

I don't know. At first I was thinking maybe it was because of something that happened late last year. This dynamic changed me. It forced me to stop hiding behind the walls I'd spent a lifetime building and really be myself. Some people in my life I considered friends and trusted so much didn't quite like the 'new, real me'. And my trust was betrayed and it hurt a lot. So maybe that's it...maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt like that again.

But I'm not so sure. Because deep down I was relieved when I lost those so-called friends. They put a lot of expectations on me and there was a freedom in getting out from beneath the weight of them. And letting go and embracing myself started to bring the right kind of friends into my life anyways so why wouldn't I want to be that.

So maybe it's something else. Maybe it was because when the health woes began last winter, Daddy's 'pushy' side disappeared. There's two sides to him--the soft, gentle side that is always reaching for my hand when we walk through parking lots and tucks me in every night and who makes me feel like their is no safer place in the world then curled up to him with my head on his chest. Then there's the other darker crueler side of him. That's the side of him that gets deep inside my head so he can push me and manipulate me to be exactly what he thinks I should be. That's his 'pushy' side. And when it went away last winter, suddenly that space he took up in my head and kept so perfectly organized fell into shambles.

I tried, I think, to push myself. During the long, boring days before and after my surgery and into the next illness, I tried. I'd give myself little goals that I'd never tell him about. He was too busy--with work and taking care of me. I suck at pushing myself though and eventually I quit trying. And then my brain just turned into this big overthinking mess again and I started building back up some of those walls that Daddy once pushed me through. I think Daddy knew I was doing this, but it didn't matter because it was always temporary to him. Once he felt like I could physically handle it, he would just push me back through those walls again.

So I should let go and trust he'll fix it when it's time. Right? But what if he does that and all the crappy health woes come back and he has to back off again and my brain gets messy again and I start building those stupid walls and...maybe I'm afraid of going backwards again?

Or maybe I'm afraid of facing those walls again. Of getting pushed through them. It hurt last time, I imagine it'll hurt this time. But it hurt more to stay hiding behind them...didn't it? Maybe it's this tiny little voice in my head that keeps telling me to shut up and go back to my corner and not bother anyone with any of this...especially Daddy. It tells me I'm way too much work and I'm better off just burying my head in the sand and hiding.

But I know that voice is wrong. Daddy would never let me hide--not now. Whether I let go of these fears I'm clinging so tightly on today or fight him on for the months or years to come, the outcome will be the same. Daddy will dig that vulnerable part back out of me and break down those walls and silence that voice. So why am I so afraid?

Maybe I think too much or not enough or maybe my brain is just way too messy to make any sense of this at the moment. I just know that these days as Daddy tightens the reigns again, there is a war going off in my head.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Writing Again

Summer is usually my favorite season. I love the warmth, the long days, the sounds of kids playing outside and lawnmowers and crickets at night. I love going outside without a coat or shoes and Daddy grilling out and the green grass and the endless blue sky. I even love having my girls at home everyday (although they do tend to get a little cranky by the end of August).

This summer kind of sucked though. Thanks to my meds I have to stay out of the sun and I feel nauseous and tired all the time. It's reminding me of my pregnancies (I had really bad morning sickness). I have no appetite, smells drive me crazy, and just plain feel crappy all the time. On the bright side though, the meds are working and this stupid disease is in remission. I even had to recently lower the dose because it was affecting my liver and it still seems to be in remission plus the lower meds mean less symptoms so I know all the crappiness has been and still is worth it.

But I really didn't start this post to whine about my health yet again. What I really just want to do is force myself to write. Writing has always been helpful for me -- to process my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I'm not even really sure what I'm thinking or feeling until after I write it down. Writing (and sharing it over the past few years) has given me courage to be myself. To stop worrying about what anyone else thinks and let go of those timid and shy parts of myself.

Daddy and I used to talk a lot via e-mail...at one point nearly every day. I blogged here and elsewhere. And I was writing fiction nearly every day. But then all the medical stuff came and I just stopped. Blogging, commenting, e-mailing, even sending text messages. Suddenly I feel myself slipping back into that timid shy person who wants to hide from everybody...even Daddy and I really don't want to go back there.

 Daddy's been pushing me...starting to enforce some of the old rules and tasks he's put on hold over the last several months. We've played a little -- nothing super intense (he says this is gonna be slow and cautious), but just enough to make me feel that place again. That place where I want to be open to him, where I want to be his. That place that feels so right.

So please forgive me if I start to ramble again on here. I'm just trying to work on getting those pesky thoughts and feelings out and get some of that courage back. Thanks so much for the comments you've left on my last post. I'm sorry to be so rude and terrible to not answer them for so long (it's this darn introverted shy fear thing I got going on), but really thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words meant a lot and I can't wait to get reading and catch up on everybody's blogs.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Role Switch Part Two

The last time I wrote about Aurora and I switching roles, it was a bit different.  I know many of you got a good laugh out of it and that is okay.  We still laugh about that experience too.  In fact, we were just talking about it today.  This time though, the role reversal wasn't voluntary.

As Aurora said earlier, I was recently diagnosed with diabetes.  Up until that day, I had one focus...to make sure Aurora gets healthy.  Suddenly, I found myself with the need to get healthy.  I found myself reeling from the news.  I found myself dealing with anger, worry, denial and various other emotions.  And Aurora found herself not being the center of my attention and worrying about me instead of the other way around.  She wasn't comfortable in this role at all and I don't blame her.  Just as our experience with the spanking stick months back, there is a reason that she is the submissive in this relationship. She doesn't like or want control.  She doesn't want worries.  That is why she gives that all over to me and I love taking care of it. I am very lucky and very grateful that Aurora has been so supportive of me through this, but it's time for me to take back my role.

As time moves on and I settle into a routine with this whole diabetes thing, our roles are slowly returning to normal.  Sure, I still have to take care of myself but I have dealt with the emotions and the lifestyle change.  Now I am ready to care for Aurora how I know best.  I want to take care of us both. I want her to be able to relax and not worry so much about my health and instead, focus on her healing by staying calm and stress free.

I am happy to report that my diabetes is getting under control and Aurora's health issues are slowly improving as well.  We have a long journey ahead of us with all of this, but I can see some light.  We will be back to our usual selves soon. We will be healthier than before and able to enjoy this lifestyle even more.  Speaking for myself, this was my wake-up call.  It is my time to take control of my health so that I can be around a long time for my Aurora.  I look so forward to the future of us! 

Although this role switch was much less painful for me, this is definitely something that I want to avoid in the future!

Friday, July 25, 2014

For Better or Worse

I’m sorry that it’s been so long I’ve posted here. I can’t believe that we’re halfway through summer and that July is nearly over.

I wish I had lots of amazing things to write about, but there’s not a lot to say, and I really don't want to go on and on here about all the health stuff. I saw a doctor last month, started a new medication, and then started another new medication after the first one didn’t go so well. My fibro is in overdrive – my doctor thinks it will get better once the disease goes into remission but it will take a few months for the meds to kick in. Unfortunately for now this means I’m very tired, achey, and forgetful these days.

This month brought some new challenges. Phillip was recently diagnosed with diabetes. He knew it was coming – it’s rampant in the men in his family. His father, grandfathers, uncles. He just hoped that not being overweight and drinking excessively would help keep it at bay for another decade or two. Unfortunately it didn’t and the past few weeks have been overwhelming trying to learn everything about it and get his sugars back in control.

Phillip, who is a bit of a control freak, has been doing absolutely amazing at monitoring his blood sugars and diet and medication to bring it back to normal. It’s me that’s been the overwhelmed mess. I feel like I should do more. New foods…better recipes…whatever it takes to make this easier for him. To make him happy. But there’s just so much and I feel like it’s a struggle to keep up—especially on days where either the meds or the fibro are kicking my butt. Phillip keeps telling me to stop putting all this pressure on myself, but I guess I’m not very good at submitting these days because I still end up worrying that I’m completely failing him.

Thanks to all the health crap this year, there’s been a huge deficit in the kink in our lives. And lately there hasn’t even been much sex. There’s a gazillion medical explanations as to why and I know it’s only temporary, but I’m often I’m afraid I will lose interest and slip back into that frigid girl I was before we began TTWD. Phillip says he won't let that happen, but once again I'm not very good at listening these days.

But despite feeling like crap and worrying way too much, I do have a few things to be grateful for. It was two years ago this month that we began this TTWD journey and it was fifteen years ago last week, that Phillip and I stood in front of our friends and family and committed our lives to each other.  


So to Phillip…Happy Anniversary! I know we started out young and with a baby and all the odds against us, but I can honestly say that here I am a decade and a half later more in love with you than I have ever been. Thanks for being an amazing husband, best friend, and the love of my life…and, of course, my Daddy. Thanks for keeping your promises and always being there and never giving up on me. Love you always and looking forward to brighter healthier days!



Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Baby Steps

First of all, an update on Aurora.  She is hanging in there.  I would say that her health is no worse than it was a month ago.  In some ways she is healthier.  I'm not sure what the future holds as far as medication goes, but I'm grateful that she isn't getting worse. She has an appointment with a specialist in a couple of weeks, so we hope to find out more soon.

As far as our dynamic goes...things have been in sort of a holding pattern.  This past weekend, however, Aurora asked me if we could take things deeper on the mental side of things.  She craves the control and while the physical side needs to be limited because of her health condition at the moment, she really wants to work on the mental side.

After some thinking about this, I have decided to slowly go deeper mentally.  I will confess that I had and still have some reservations about it.  I have seen that what we are doing now is working.  Her condition is not getting worse and I'm a firm believer in the saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".  However, in a way it is broken.  Aurora isn't getting what she needs right now and either am I.  So, while her physical health will always be my number one priority...it is worth exploring if we can grow mentally without affecting her condition.

I am going to go slow with this.  I know that will frustrate Aurora a little bit, as patience has never been her strength...but I have a couple of reasons for the slow pace.  First of all, I want to make sure that whatever we do, it doesn't affect her health.  And secondly, this is going to be a long road.  I want to be have Aurora feel like we are not standing still.  I feel like if I gave her a bunch of rules and rituals right away, she will soon feel like things are standing still again.  It's important for us to feel that connection and feel that we are growing together. 

I have no doubt that we will beat this nasty disease and that we will get back to where we used to be, both physically and mentally.  Baby steps and patience are going to be essential.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Disappearing

I’ve been trying to write something for a while now, but I’m really not sure what to write about. Or if I should even post at all. Or even blog anymore.

I have been reading here in blogland sometimes too—or rather lurking. I know it sounds silly, but commenting, like blogging, has always stressed me out a little. I get so insecure about it and agonize over every little word and worry about saying the wrong thing or offending somebody or my words not coming out right. It was getting easier, but now that I’ve been quiet so long it feels impossibly hard to comment again. And Phillip, who knows very well how much I overthink all this, would rather I just stay quiet and not stress about these things. But I do want to say I miss and care about you all.

Healthwise I’m hanging in there and getting by with just painkillers and topical stuff. None of the truly icky meds yet…although the odds are high I’ll need something, but the plan is to hold out until I get to see the specialist sometime next month. So many doctors know so little about this disease and we’d rather wait for somebody with experience in treating it. The physical symptoms are more of an annoyance than a serious threat at the moment, but because of the risk of things going ‘bad fast’, sex, spanking, and pretty much anything fun is off the table.

So these days, my focus is supposed to be following my new caffeine-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, preservative-free, oh-this-sucks-so-bad diet and learning to deal better with stress. It’s crazy how stress affects how much the physical symptoms flare or not – Phillip can tell if I’ve been stressing because it’s written all over my body now. I’ve never been very good at dealing with stress until we started this dynamic and I found such peace and release in the physical parts – especially spanking. But now that it’s off the table, we have to find other things like yoga and meditation. I think I’m flunking meditiation (it’s so hard to turn off my thoughts). But I’ve taken up drawing and knitting and those have been helping enormously.

Phillip has been wonderful. He’s taken amazing care of me and I know I am beyond blessed to have him. To be loved like this. And he’s still very much the Dominant around here and tells me what to do. And I do that….which I guess still makes me very much his submissive. But I really don’t feel like one anymore. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the lack of sex. Or the lack of spanking. Or the lack of him letting me do much for him anymore. Or maybe it’s that I can see the stress and tiredness in his eyes and I know I put it there.  I don’t know. I just know I feel like the parts of me that were Aurora are slowly disappearing and all that’s left are the empty holes where she once existed.

Phillip says not to worry and that he’ll get her back. We’ll get this back. He won’t forget. And when this is all over, he’s taking me away somewhere (and that Daddy-side of his is NOT invited). And I believe that and really look forward to that day. But the reality is that could be years from now.

So until then I'm just hanging on and hoping I don't completely disappear.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

It's Been Awhile

I know that it has been awhile since Aurora or I have written anything here.  I just wanted to check in with all of our awesome followers and let you know that Aurora is doing alright.  This new health concern has been tough on her, but her spirits are getting better.  She is getting some fight in her and developing a much better attitude towards the fight we have ahead of us. 

Because of the nasty side effects of the proposed drugs used in treatment for this disease and the fact that her case is fairly mild, we are waiting a little bit before proceeding with the conventional treatment.  I have noticed that stress is a major trigger for worsening symptoms, so my goal right now is to have Aurora avoid as much stress as possible and we are also working on techniques to deal with stress efficiently when it does arise.  In addition to that, I am changing her diet drastically and we have found some more natural "remedies" to try.  I'm not a huge believer in natural or herbal remedies, but after taking some time to think about it, it became obvious that it is worth a try.  At worst, she will be healthier when she has to take those nasty drugs.  At best, she never has to take them. 

I know one thing that bothers her right now is that this disease has taken a real toll on sex.  She misses it.  I miss it.  However, I am in major "Daddy mode" right now.  I want to do everything I can to make her better.  And having been through health issues with her before, I know I'll get my satisfaction eventually.  When Aurora is sick, my satisfaction comes when she is all better and I can look back at our journey with pride knowing that we successfully battled through it.  That alone brings us so much closer together.  That is true satisfaction!

Again, thank you all for keeping Aurora in your thoughts!


Saturday, March 29, 2014

One In A Million

I know I need to catch up on all the great comments but really wanted to say thank you so much for all the amazing support and swearing on my behalf!

One in a million. According to some sources, that’s the odds of getting this disease I have. Some places claim it may be as high as 1 in 200,000, but they all seem to agree it’s rare. And unlike diabetes or celiac or lupus, it has a long name that’s hard to spell and even harder to pronounce and that NOBODY seems to have ever heard of before. My only risk factor for getting it was a drop of diluted Jewish blood courtesy of my father’s side of the family tree. Which is sort of funny to me because I’m not considered Jewish because my mother isn’t, however I’m ‘Jewish enough’ to apparently get this disease. Go figure.

Nine in ten. More than fifty years ago, those were the odds I’d die from the actual disease. Today those are the odds, I’ll survive it. Some studies claim the mortality rate is as high as 30 to 40 percent (but I’m going to stay on the optimistic side here). The downside of these odds is that the traditional treatment usually requires a scary high dose of steroids over a long period of time to put the disease in remission and in the majority of personal stories I’ve read, although they reached remission, it came at a high cost.

Now the thing about odds are that they are just numbers. And unlike something like the lottery, nobody is ever equal. It sort of reminds me of my ‘writer querying days’ when we’d try to calculate our odds. But you really couldn’t because no manuscript was equal. Some were better written, some were the ‘right story’ at the ‘right time’, some clicked better with certain agents, etc. And it’s like that here…everyone is different. The disease is different, reactions to medications are different, etc. 

I’ve done a lot of reading over the past few days. Not those scary websites---no I dug deeper for the real stories. Kinda like looking for this diseases's version of blog land (although it's nowhere near the size of here). And it’s given me a lot of hope. Yeah, there was a lot of scary stuff, but it’s also helped me to see how lucky I am. For most people, by the time they are diagnosed they are usually so sick they’re in the hospital because they can’t eat or they’re fighting off serious infections. That’s because this disease is so rare, it often is misdiagnosed. They say the average number of doctors to get a diagnosis is around ten.

I had two. The first being my primary doctor who actually suspected the disease. Because of this, I am not that sick. No hospital. No serious infections. If this was cancer I’d be Stage 1 or maybe even Stage 0.  I am just not that sick. I am not a doctor, but this does make me hopeful that this means the amount of steroids and duration to get me into remission will be a lot less. And if not, there’s lots of new drugs and therapies that have worked on others without the mega-risk of the steroids. I’ve also found a doctor covered by my insurance who specializes in the disease. And if we don’t like her or can’t get the referral her, we live an hour away from one of the best research hospitals in the country and Daddy says that’s where we’re going next.

One in a million. I once called Daddy that back in the early days. It wasn’t as sweet as it may sound at the time. We had only known each other a few weeks but we’d been e-mailing about some deep subjects—religion, politics, sex. And there were questions like... ‘what would you do if you got a girl pregnant out of wedlock’ and ‘would you ever cheat’. I was coming out of a very bad relationship and Daddy’s answers always seemed ‘way too good to be true’. So a part of me at the time thought it was all a line. So I wrote to him, slightly disbelieving, if “he was who he said he was, then he was one in a million.”

But I’ve learned Daddy’s a man of few words and rarely says something he doesn’t mean or intend to do. Because he did get a girl pregnant--me.  And despite neither of us being old enough to drink, he did exactly what he said he would in those first few weeks I knew him. And during a decade-long sex drought when he probably should’ve cheated, he kept his word and never did.

Daddy told me not to worry about this disease. He’s going to make sure I have the best doctor and the right treatment, and he’s not going to let it get that bad. And that no matter what happens…whether the drugs take my sex drive or make me go crazy, he’s not going anywhere. I’m going to be okay. He’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.


And I believe him. Because he really is my ‘one in a million’.


Thursday, March 27, 2014

Fudge You 2014


During some of the days before and after my surgery, Daddy and I often talked about how we couldn’t wait to ‘get back to normal’. When Daddy left for his trip we talked of how close we’d be ‘back to normal’ when he returned. One of Daddy’s tasks he assigned while he was gone was to list everything I was looking forward to about ‘getting back to normal’.

Today I learned we won’t be ‘going back to normal’. Not any time soon. Maybe not ever. Early this morning the doctor called with the news I really hoped I wouldn’t be getting.

Daddy was at work when the call came and he’s having another busy day and even though we’ve managed to talk and text, I really can’t wait until he’s home. So far, I’ve managed to stay busy. I had doctors to call, appointments to make, and new doctors to research. But now that’s all done and there’s still nearly three hours to go before Daddy gets home.

And I’m scared and frustrated and angry. Very angry. I mean I know it’s not cancer, but it’s fatal if I don’t treat it. And treatment involves taking high doses of oral steroids and immunosuppressants that have side effects that will most likely make me feel way sicker than I feel now. And since it’s so freakin’ rare, the doctor who diagnosed it doesn’t even know where to start to treat it so I’m off to find yet another specialist (and hope to God they take our insurance).

And this is all I really have to say today (well I have more but it would involve using words I’m not supposed to use and despite the fact I'm thinking them all right now, I do still love and respect Daddy so I think I’ll stop right here).

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

His

Daddy came home a day late and is super busy at work this week. I broke another rule and I'm waiting on two punishments now. I'm fighting a cold and PMS and a bit of a fibro flare-up. Mother Nature can't seem to let go of winter and just give into spring. The meds the doctor put me on last week have me feeling like a zombie. And tomorrow, I get the test results.

But none of it matters.

Daddy got out the crop and the cane for the first time in months. I don't remember it hurting so much (and he says 'he went easy'), but it just shows how far I've drifted. From him, from us.

But over the past few days as he's played and spanked and grabbed the back of my head the way he does when I say or do something out of line, I've found myself sailing back into His harbor. As I've sat at his feet again, I've remembered and tasted and wanted and needed this.

I need to be His.

So no matter what tomorrow brings. If Daddy's job tells him he has to go away again next week or next month or next year. If it snows or rains or is 70 degrees and sunny. Or if the doctor says that I have this disease or don't have this disease or they lost the test results. None of it matters.

All that really matters...all that will every really matter.

Is that I'm His.





Friday, March 21, 2014

Enough is Enough



So yesterday I got in some pretty big trouble.

I went to my regular doctor on Monday for something I considered rather little. It was a follow up appointment over a symptom I had put off until after my surgery. Something unrelated to the surgery.
My regular doctor wanted to send me to a specialist. Still not worried. Not until I found out they were considering it ‘urgent’ and asked if I could go in yesterday afternoon.

There was barely enough time to text Daddy and get out the door to make it in time. But we did. And yesterday I found myself in a doctor’s office, half-naked with my mom and two nurses and the doctor and desperately wishing Daddy could be there. The doctor told us what she thought it could be – a rare autoimmune disease. It could be the cause of why I had to have that surgery last month. But I won’t know for a week and she’ll be calling me with the results. She also told me not to go looking it up on the internet and wait for her instructions.

I called Daddy after the appointment and relayed all the news and he ORDERED me to stay off the internet.

So what did I do?

Well…with a doctor telling me not to go looking and Daddy over a thousand miles away and my morbid curiousity getting the best of me.

Well, I googled it. And I read lots of scary things about it being rare and serious and fatal. And that up until about fifty years ago, 99 percent of people that got it died within a few years. And yeah, it all freaked me out. The internet is a scary place.

Daddy was NOT happy. He was very angry and once he was done letting me know that, he hung up. And I locked myself away in our master bathroom bawling my eyes out when I realized that my biggest fears weren’t having this disease or dying from this disease.

My biggest fears are Daddy saying “Enough is enough.” That I had gone too far by deliberately disobeying him. Or that he can’t deal with yet another ‘medical problem’ of mine.

Daddy didn’t say either of these things and we did talk last night and although he says I’m gonna ‘get straightened out when he gets home’, he did forgive me for not doing as I was told. And I’m so thrilled that late tonight I’m finally going to be safe and secure in his arms again after this super long week.

But I still can’t stop this nagging fear today. I'm starting to think that maybe we've been so happy over the past two years...that maybe people don't deserve to be this happy. We’re barely through this last ‘health’ storm and in a week we could be starting another one. I mean, seriously, when is enough enough?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Answers to Questions from Pearl Necklace



One more sleep until Daddy comes home! Yay! I cannot wait. Here's my answers to some questions from Pearl over at Happily Surrendered and Submissive. Thank you for the great questions!

#1. What is one of your favorite posts on your blog here and why?

Well my favorite posts are all the ones that Daddy makes. I love getting to see a glimpse into his head. But if I have to pick one, I think my absolute favorite is the one he wrote here about our one night of attempting switching.

I have two reasons why I love this post the most. First, because it’s about a really fun night. Since our dating years, we’ve always had this fun, goofy, light-hearted, don’t-take-ourselves-too-seriously side to our relationship. One of my worries when we started down the D/s road was that we would lose that—that things would have to be more formal and joking and teasing with Daddy would be a no-no. But no, I still get to tease Daddy just as much and make him laugh (love that). Sure, Daddy has a line that if I get too close to will result in “the look” or a “warning”. And he does take the dynamic very seriously. But we’re still having lots of fun and laughing (maybe even more than before) and this night was a perfect example.

My second reason is because Daddy tells me over and over that I shouldn’t worry about what others think. I need to be honest and just be myself. In this post he wasn’t afraid to ‘practice what he preaches’ and do that himself. He didn’t care if it made him look weak or like a wuss. He led by example and for that I have so much more respect and trust for him.

#2. Your ideal night alone with Phillip...are you tied up or left loose? Combo perhaps =)

Oh gosh, right now I have to say partially tied up. Daddy has this rope he’ll bind my wrists with. I took a picture this week of it and texted it to him saying I couldn’t wait for it to be around my wrists again. And I really can’t wait!

#3. One bit of advice you would give to other loving submissive wives?

I am definitely not qualified to really give advice because I'm still new and every relationship is so different, but I’ll go with something I struggle with a lot, including as recently as this week.
  
It's Don’t hold back your feelings or needs from him because you don’t want to ‘burden’ him. Just tell him.

I do this a lot. I can be super emotional and needy sometimes and when Daddy’s had a long day, the thought of adding to that by telling him what's wrong with me can make me feel so guilty. I’ve already written about doing this before here

It nearly happened again on Tuesday. I woke up feeling super empty and depressed. I started thinking bad thoughts—that perhaps I missed Daddy more than he missed me. I was feeling emotionally lost. Somebody suggested I might have some subdrop (and yeah, although I didn’t think of that at first since it’s been a while since we’ve done anything intense—it did feel that way). He called me briefly during the day and he knew something was up. He always knows when something’s up. However being over a thousand miles away with not a lot of time, it was hard for him to get to the bottom of it. And the day just kept getting worse. Daddy had a long one that left him with a headache. I had a lot of ‘kid drama’ to deal with. So the idea of adding to all that by telling him I thought I may have subdrop suddenly had me feeling guilty.

But due to a push from another sub (thanks geekie kittie), late that night when I finally got some privacy, I told him. Within twenty minutes, I received an e-mail from him with a list of tasks he expected done before he comes home. And suddenly, I felt like his again and was back in that happy place. And I’ve been doing much better ever since.

I struggle with this constantly because I want to serve him. I want to be there for him. To make his life easier. Not give him more to do. But I think that by me making the decision on what he can handle or not handle, it’s not letting go and letting him lead. It’s not trusting him. And for us anyways, it does make his life easier if I just come out with it. He can solve it with a quick twenty minute e-mail instead of spending the rest of the week trying to drag it out of me.

Someday I’ll get this, I hope. But for now it’s my advice (so everyone can remind me of it next time I struggle).