Learning to Just Be Myself and Some Answers

For the first 13 months of our TTWD relationship, the only person I ever actually talked about TTWD with was Daddy. Oh, I read lots of blogs here and lurked on a few forums, but I was way too scared and shy to ever leave a comment or 'interact' in any way.

But I loved reading. It made me feel so 'normal' to know so many others felt like I did. And I learned so much. I would often share my favorite posts with Daddy -- the ones that said exactly what I'd been feeling far better than I could, the ones that made me laugh, the ones that made me cry, the ones that helped us through some of the bumps in the road. I would even throw out bloggers names like they were friends. I would tell Daddy all the time something like, 'Tori, lil, roz, mouse, greengirl, etc. said this today'.

I think I finally annoyed Daddy enough with my one-way imaginary friendships though, because not long after hitting our one year TTWD anniversary, he gave me the assignment to comment on one of those blog posts that touched me. This had to be one of the hardest assignment he's ever given me. I think I even tried to make it into a hard limit. He just responded by giving me a deadline.

So there I was with this assignment and deadline, and I remember one day mentally preparing myself. The next blog post that 'spoke' to me, I'd comment. That wouldn't be too hard since so many of them 'spoke' to me. Unfortunately though, I think all of blog land decided to go on vacation that week because there was nothing. Literally nothing.

But on another forum I sometimes lurked on, there was a post somebody made whose story reminded me so much of ours. Daddy said it could count as my comment so I responded. I was so nervous. What if I said something wrong or offended her or came off as too know-it-all or...?

I know I worry way too much about what others think. Daddy doesn't like it because he believes that I'm being 'fake' and it keeps me from being the 'real me'. I don't like it because it paralyzes me and sometimes even answering a text or calling to make a doctor's appointment can seem impossible.

Being here in blog land (where I'm required to not over think and just be honest) is changing that.
I do still get squeamish when I leave comments and publish posts and hit send on an e-mail. And I love far more blog posts than I get the courage to comment on. But it's getting easier. And changing me -- in all areas of my life.

Earlier this winter before the health problems, there were a lot of things shifting career-wise. It was scary and hard and heart-breaking. And then came the health issues and endless weeks of nothing for me to do but think. Daddy and I spent a lot of time talking and charting a 'new course' of embracing my strengths and interests, instead of chasing the trends or playing the 'popularity game'.

As I'm getting better and able to start putting some of that plan into action, I'm finding so much hope again. And I'm enjoying this part of my life more than I have in a long, long time. The sun is shining, the snow is melting, and it's so freeing to let go and as Daddy always says, 'just be myself.'

So thank you Daddy and blog land, and thank you Tomsrose, who was the writer of the post I first responded too. Not only did I not offend her, but she reached out through private messages too and became my first 'TTWD friend'. Daddy and I were on vacation at the time so we didn't get to talk much, but it was enough to give me the courage to start blogging when we returned last September.  

And thank you too for the questions. I've answered two of them. I'll do the third in another post since this is getting long and I really want to go read some blogs today (I have so much to catch up on).


What is your favorite movie?

I'm not good at picking favorites -- I'm very indecisive about so many things. I think that's why I need a Dom. Seriously. But here are some of my favorites....

The Lion King (I love most Disney movies but Daddy and I saw this on our second date exactly three years before our first child was born so it's the favorite), Steel Magnolias, Titanic (well until one of Daddy's friends ruined it for me), Finding Nemo, Inception (because it drives Daddy crazy that I loved it so much), and Catching Fire (better than the book and I rarely think that)

And Somewhere In Time...ooh I think this could be my ultimate favorite because it has everything I love -- time travel, gorgeous music, beautiful location, star-crossed lovers, and Superman.

Okay, I just realized my movies either have to be animated or have tragic endings.


What is the craziest place that you and your daddy have gotten down to business?

Well this answer is going to be very boring(and probably stay boring). Daddy's not a very public person and I'm rather shy, and neither of us are exhibitionists or get turned on by the idea of being watched or caught. So it's only been behind locked doors at home or in hotels and occasionally in a car parked in a very secluded location. So I guess we're do-crazy-things in non-crazy-locations people. Lol. Although it's one of my more tame and romantic fantasies to do it outside at night underneath the stars.

Thanks again for the questions!

Thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow to those who celebrate it! Daddy and I will be having a rather quiet one at home with just my dad and step-mom stopping by. I love thanksgiving -- the food, the family, the parade. Maybe not the scale the day after though.  I also love going around the table sharing what everyone is thankful for. My youngest always comes up with the cutest things.

For me, this is what I'm thankful for this year...

I'm thankful for my mom. Even though she lives a million miles away (well maybe not that far) and she can drive me crazy sometimes, she's still one of my closest friends. Sometimes I think she'd understand the relationship between me and Daddy, but I'm not sure I'm brave enough to risk it.

I'm thankful for my daughters. I love having girls. I guess I do feel bad Daddy never got a son (although he says it doesn't really bother him), but I'm secretly thrilled to have two girls who are so much like me. I will never have a better job than being their mother. And watching them with Daddy -- let's just say it melts my heart to see how much he loves his little girls! I love our family.

And I'm thankful for Daddy. For his love, patience, understanding. For never ever giving up on me. For having enough love for the both of us. For accepting me -- the good, the bad, and the deep dark twisted stuff. For loving the deep dark twisted stuff..

I'm also very thankful for TTWD. Last Thanksgiving Daddy and I were still pretty new at this...well we're still new at this. But we've grown so much deeper, so much closer since the last time we sat down for turkey and pumpkin pie. It hasn't been easy, but nothing worth having ever is.

And an even bigger thanks to all of you bloggers out there. I'm shy. I'm introverted. And I guess that doesn't change for me even when I'm not using my real name. But I'm a voracious reader. And I read all your words all the time even when I'm not brave enough to comment. So many of them have made me laugh, made me cry, made me see things in different ways, and some have gotten me through the toughest of days. So even if you don't celebrate thanksgiving, thank you!!!

Insecure in Blogland

In one of the early manuscripts I wrote, there was a character who always ran from her problems. At the end of every chapter. At the end of every scene. At the slightest hint of confrontation, she was out of there.

After about the fiftieth time or so of this character taking off, my critique partners informed me (in their gentle but very firm way) that if I wanted the readers to give a damn about my character, I needed to make her stand up for herself.

Daddy agreed with them. He also pointed out something else. He thought that character was very much like myself.

I hated strongly disliked admitting he was right.

I've barely begun to find my voice here in blogland, and I fear I've already stepped on somebody's toes. And after reading a post about another blogger encountering judgment, I nearly slammed my computer shut with a vow to not return.

The problem is it's not my choice. Blogging twice a  week is a rule--one I imagine Daddy's not going to let me run from.

I wrote last week about how I'm not one of those strong vibrant women who you'd never guess were submissive. I just wanted to say that I envy women who are like that more than you'll ever know. I'd give anything to have that strength. I hope my daughters are like that--whether they ever find out they have a submissive side or not.

I really wish I could be like that. Brave. Confident. Fearless.

But I'm not. And yes, it's something that's been worked on over and over and over again in my life -- with countless friends, family, therapists.

Daddy accepts me the way I am, and he's encouraging me to do the same. To embrace my gentler side. No he doesn't want me to run. Yes, he does want me to stand up for myself. But just because I'm not that quick-witted, kickass, take-no-crap woman I've always longed to be, doesn't mean I'm weak. There's a certain strength in accepting and loving yourself for who you are rather than who the world thinks you should be. 

Later as I cuddled up to Daddy, I was tempted to ask him to let me quit blogging. But I didn't. Part of it was because I already knew what his answer would be. The other part is that there are so many wonderful blogs (and bloggers) in blogland. I've been lurking for well over a year and learned so much. I don't have a lot to offer, but I am glad to be here.

I did tell Daddy about how I was feeling. And how much harder I'm finding it to write the real stuff versus fiction. He reminded me that I'm not writing to please everybody else, just him, and that if anything I should just treat it like a journal and be real and honest.

So that's what this is --- me being real. Insecurities and all.

And I want to say I'm not here to judge. I'm only here to learn. And share what I can.