Back In The Swing of Things

Daddy and I have been pretty vanilla the past few weeks. Holidays, family, out-of-towners...there just hasn't been a lot of D/s time at all. And once all that was over, it seems like we've both just been pretty exhausted and trying to get back to 'our normal'.

But January's here and it means back to school, back to work, and according to Daddy back to the rules (he's even made some new ones).

I've been trying to catch up on reading all the blogs and get back to blogging. But for now, some really random moments from our vanilla holiday.



- After the guests left, Daddy let me top him for about a day. It was sort of a fun last-minute-before-the-year-ended thing didn't last long though before I happily handed him back the power. I'm not good at it all. I imagine a good dominant does not giggle while giving orders the way I do. 

- Daddy and I had a secret funny moment when my mom shared an image she saw on Facebook that Daddy and I had both reblogged on our naughty tumblrs the week before. If only she knew...

-There was a moment I nearly gave us away when at a family dinner the question was asked by my dad, "name one relationship where the woman is not in charge"

- I did get some last orgasms in 2014. Eight of them...and they were awesome. I had an emotional week the last week before Christmas and Daddy thought I needed them. Who was I to argue...lol.

-Fortunately or unfortunately, however, still orgasmless in 2014.

The Fine Print

In the beginning there was a contract. Daddy wrote it when he proposed the power exchange. I can't really remember everything it said, but I clearly remember there being a contract. Somewhere along the way it was replaced with an unspoken agreement and a bracelet that locks around my wrist, but I know there once was that contract.

You see, I had a little bit of sub frenzy when Daddy gave me that contract. And I think I forgot to read some of the fine print.

Oh, I have so much to learn.

Like when it comes to gift giving. Daddy is beyond generous with gifts. Like out of this world thoughtfully generous. Like all my friends now think he's some super gift giving hero, and when I post on Facebook how great my husband is, they don't ask 'Did you get hacked?'. Instead they ask 'What did he get you?'.

I should be super happy about this -- right?

Well I am. And I'm thankful too. And grateful. And very very lucky. But I'm also super annoyed. Because now they want to know what I'm getting him.

Well...uh...um...

Daddy controls all the money. All the money. I have to ask to spend any of it -- even a dollar. And while, he's generous here too and rarely denies me what I want and need, when I ask to buy him something he's tightens up fast. Oh, I can get money out of him for the kids to shop with, but me...uh...nope.

He's a happy man, he'll say. He has everything he wants. And if he doesn't, he'll go out and buy it himself. 

This year he really outdid himself and when I whined to my writer friends that I had no money to get him anything, they offered up their suggestions.

A blowjob?

Uh...check


Member to the blow job club for a month?

He already has the lifetime membership.


VIP membership - no line, no cover, and no reciprocation?

Well I stopped there because I didn't want to admit he already has that too.

I guess I'll keep looking for that contract in hopes there was a loophole somewhere. I've still got a week til christmas.

What If?

What if I’d never sent you that e-mail? You know…THE E-MAIL. The one that changed everything.

What if I’d never clicked ‘send’. What if I’d just deleted it, trashed it, never written it?

What if it had been just a little cooler that night, or the air conditioning had worked? What if I’d been able to sleep? Would I have written it at all?

What if I’d never gotten picked for that contest? You know... THAT CONTEST. The one where my words were splayed all over the internet to be analyzed and judged. What if they hadn’t picked me? Maybe I wouldn’t have been walking around that week in a fog needing the escape my fantasies brought. Maybe T wouldn’t have sent me that link to distract me – THE LINK that led to the story that inspired that e-mail.

What if? What if we were still sleeping…never knowing…never touching…never this happy?

What if I’d never gone up north with you that weekend five years ago? You know…THE WEEKEND. The one where we never left our hotel room. The one where I started to open up and try new things with you. The one that gave you hope and me courage and turned our marriage around.

What if I’d just stayed home, in bed like I had been for the three days prior? What if I’d just let the tears keep falling? I was dying inside – dying to give you what I know you needed and I couldn’t. What if you hadn’t walked in the room asking for the letters to take with you? What if you hadn’t been there searching for a reason to stay?

What if I hadn’t given it to you? What if I hadn’t asked you to take me too?

What if I’d left during that fall? You know... THE FALL. The one where you grew distant from us. The one where you talked more to strangers than your family. You weren’t happy with yourself back then – you’ve admitted that. But I didn’t know what to do. I had two little girls looking up to me, and I needed to take care of them.

So I nearly walked out the door.

What if I had? What if you’d let me go?

What if you weren’t waiting for me at the end of that aisle that hot July day nearly fifteen years ago? What if you walked away when I handed you the EPT?

What if you had left for the service? What if I had gone for that guy at the bookstore?

What if you never waited for me that summer? You know…THE SUMMER. What if you washed your hands of me and the immature drama and just walked away from it all? What if you never gave me that ‘third chance’?

What if you’d never responded to that message board post? You said you nearly didn’t – that you were already talking to enough girls and it was way too much money as it was. And what if J had never come home over college break? What if she'd never shown me e-mail and Prodigy and how you can talk to people through a computer?

What if you hadn’t sent that message? What if you'd passed right on by my post?

What if I never met you?

Positives

It's Monday again, and once again I'm scrambling with what to write. Eeeek.

Daddy likes to give me 'assignments'. When I was struggling with 'feeling his dominance' he had me spend the week making a list of every time I did feel it (which helped me focus on what he was doing instead of what I thought was missing). He's had me work on getting over my issues with writing sex by assigning 'fantasy writing assignments'. Last week my assignment was to finish and post my blog on 'sex and shame'. It had been sitting there as a draft for quite a while and without his push it probably would've stayed there for good.

An ongoing assignment I have everyday is to come up with 'Positives' every morning. Daddy seems to think I have an issue with only seeing the negative sometimes. He'll point out that I could get dozens of comments gushing about one of my novels, but it would be the lone one that tells me how 'horrid' it is that would make me want to throw it away and give up writing forever. So yeah, he's probably right.

So to help me have a more 'positive outlook', I have to come up with five positive things each weekday morning. Sometimes this is really easy. I mean Fridays I kind of get a freebie since one of my positives is always 'It's Friday.' Mondays are always the hardest. Today's even harder because this past weekend was kind of 'blah' thanks to not feeling so hot and crappy weather. It's made even worse because we've been having a lot of 'blah' weekends thanks to the craziness of the holidays and we are about to have even more. Not a lot of 'Daddy D/s' time. Plus I'm not one for much 'holiday spirit' thanks to my very dysfunctional family.

So I thought I'd try to cure some of my 'subby blues' and list five positive things for the upcoming week and multitask by blogging them. Hoping Daddy will count this as extra credit :)

1. Last week's assignment to post about the 'sex and shame' had me nearly in tears. I was like 'Nooooo. I like everyone who comes to my blog, I don't want to scare them off'. But it drives Daddy crazy when I worry too much about what people think, and he was right that I shouldn't worry so much. Thank you to those who left such nice comments, and a big thanks to everyone for not running away.

2. I wrote last week about my friend Brittney and the way she was treated for not being afraid to be so open about sex. What I didn't write about was the two decades afterwards where she was constantly getting her heart broken over by men who would use her and discard her. How she was often told she 'wasn't the type of girl you bring home'. And how all she desperately wanted was a 'husband and kids and white picket fence' to call her own. A few years ago she met a really really nice guy who makes her very happy and this past weekend he proposed. I am so thrilled for her.

 3. Daddy didn't write a post this weekend, but he re-designed the blog. And it's pink and black (two of my favorite colors). He won't let me do our bedroom in these colors (boo), but I love them on the blog. So thanks Daddy.

4. Despite a 'blah' weekend, I did get lots of spankings on Friday. And once again, felt a lot better on Saturday.

5. I'm very excited about Daddy's new assignment this week. This upcoming weekend is our last weekend before out-of-town family will be traipsing in for a while so it's really our last chance for fun in 2013. And Daddy said my assignment is to 'look forward to it'. Ooooh....yay! Now nobody around here better get sick or anything....

7 Things About Me

Happy Black Friday! So I know this is going around Facebook, and to be honest I hate coming up with stuff about myself. But I love to read it about everybody else, so here it goes...

1. My dad worked for the airlines. I grew up flying all the time. Yet, I'm afraid to fly. Petrified. You can shove a xanax down my throat with three bottles of wine and you'll still have to drag me (probably screaming and crying) onto the plane.

2. I like to sew and I like vintage things. Daddy and I found a Singer Sewing Machine table from 1934 at goodwill for ten dollars. Daddy re-finished the table and fixed it up for me and the machine still works perfectly. I love it more than my more modern machine!

3. I also like to cook and bake and love my Kitchen Aid mixer. So much that I have two of them!! My oldest daughter asked if she could have one when she moves out. I told her she could as long as it stays in my kitchen.

4. I've written a few novels, but none of them are any form of erotica. I love love love to read it though. Just struggle with writing my own. I seem to have way better sex scenes than I write sex scenes. Which I guess isn't too bad of a thing...

5. According to the Briggs Myers test, I'm an INFP. Which I think explains why I overthink everything and my head is always in the clouds. According to the Harry Potter Characters Briggs Myers, I'm Luna Lovegood. Which is just about right.

6. I was born in August and am a Leo. So I'm an introverted Leo. I think that makes me an oxymoron.

7. I don't do Black Friday shopping. Ever. Although I do love to shop, crowds like that overwhelm me (it's the introverted thing). To those that do --- have fun and stay safe!

Feeling Random

So I've been struggling with calling him Philip on the blog. Several months ago, I started calling him Daddy and that's what I use all the time now. It's what I say, how I think, what's in my heart. So I think I'm gonna just go with Daddy here from now on.

As for this blog post, well I'm feeling sort of blah and random right now and don't have much to say.

First we're all fighting a cold our youngest so graciously brought home from school.

Second, I'm waiting to lose my job. It's been coming for a while...the company's made no big secret about it. And I'm not scared about losing it--Daddy has a plan in place. It's just the constant daily 'is today the day' feeling that's getting to me. I'm not a patient person, and I'm so ready to be done and on to the next chapter of my life.

And third, Daddy's in position for a possible promotion at his job. It would be huge for our family, but his interview was pushed back and it's made him a little anxious.

So we're all kind of in a sick limbo around here this weekend.