Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Missing

I miss blogging and I miss blogland. I really do. I didn’t mean to not blog for four months. Even without Daddy requiring me to blog, I still like the outlet. It’s a great way to process feelings sometimes. And I absolutely adore the reading. The way other bloggers can comfort or help or even open your mind.
I miss it all. I really do.
But as much as I miss it, it’s just been too hard to be here this past winter. I feel bad for even saying that because blogland is such a great place. But every time I attempted to catch up on reading or open the blog to write, I started thinking about everything I was missing with Daddy and I.
Daddy is still Daddy. We’re still D/s or whatever we are. He’s still in charge and I have absolutely no doubt about that. But because of this stupid disease I have, any kind of kink or anything he deems as ‘too stressful’ for me is off the table. No matter how much I beg or plead or say ‘I need’. He’ll just tell me ‘He needs me to get better and he’s not taking risks with my health’.
I know this is a good thing and something that truly only makes me trust him more, but I miss that unbelievable closeness of sitting at his feet. I miss that ‘sub happy place’. I miss the bruises. I do have bruises at the moment thanks to all the IVs in my arms over the last month. I just finished up a round of chemotherapy that will hopefully make this  autoimmune disease go away.  There’s several of these bruises up and down my arms. But they’re not his bruises.
I miss that pure feeling of being his.
Most of all I miss that push he gave me. To blog, to write, to speak up. To find my voice and share it. To be exactly who I am and not be afraid of that. I really miss that. Because without it I feel like I’m reverting to that shy fearful anxious little girl I was before all of this. I feel like I’m hiding myself away, afraid of the world, like a roly poly who curls up every time it’s touched.
And I miss the healing. Not the outside stuff but the inside stuff. The way he was helping me overcome parts of me I thought were forever broken. Now those parts sit abandoned, pieces partially glued back together now covered with dust.
Daddy will read this and remind me I’m not being patient (sorry Daddy). And yeah I know. In a few weeks I have an appointment to find out if the chemo worked. Considering I’ve been pretty much symptom free for the past few weeks, I’m very hopeful for good news. Because then things can move forward…we can move forward.
But until then, I’m just trying not to miss everything I miss so much.