Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Missing

I miss blogging and I miss blogland. I really do. I didn’t mean to not blog for four months. Even without Daddy requiring me to blog, I still like the outlet. It’s a great way to process feelings sometimes. And I absolutely adore the reading. The way other bloggers can comfort or help or even open your mind.
I miss it all. I really do.
But as much as I miss it, it’s just been too hard to be here this past winter. I feel bad for even saying that because blogland is such a great place. But every time I attempted to catch up on reading or open the blog to write, I started thinking about everything I was missing with Daddy and I.
Daddy is still Daddy. We’re still D/s or whatever we are. He’s still in charge and I have absolutely no doubt about that. But because of this stupid disease I have, any kind of kink or anything he deems as ‘too stressful’ for me is off the table. No matter how much I beg or plead or say ‘I need’. He’ll just tell me ‘He needs me to get better and he’s not taking risks with my health’.
I know this is a good thing and something that truly only makes me trust him more, but I miss that unbelievable closeness of sitting at his feet. I miss that ‘sub happy place’. I miss the bruises. I do have bruises at the moment thanks to all the IVs in my arms over the last month. I just finished up a round of chemotherapy that will hopefully make this  autoimmune disease go away.  There’s several of these bruises up and down my arms. But they’re not his bruises.
I miss that pure feeling of being his.
Most of all I miss that push he gave me. To blog, to write, to speak up. To find my voice and share it. To be exactly who I am and not be afraid of that. I really miss that. Because without it I feel like I’m reverting to that shy fearful anxious little girl I was before all of this. I feel like I’m hiding myself away, afraid of the world, like a roly poly who curls up every time it’s touched.
And I miss the healing. Not the outside stuff but the inside stuff. The way he was helping me overcome parts of me I thought were forever broken. Now those parts sit abandoned, pieces partially glued back together now covered with dust.
Daddy will read this and remind me I’m not being patient (sorry Daddy). And yeah I know. In a few weeks I have an appointment to find out if the chemo worked. Considering I’ve been pretty much symptom free for the past few weeks, I’m very hopeful for good news. Because then things can move forward…we can move forward.
But until then, I’m just trying not to miss everything I miss so much.

7 comments:

  1. Hi Aurora. I've been thinking of you, wondering how you and Philip are doing. You've been missed too. Philip is looking after you and giving you the time and space you need to heal. You're being very brave with your chemo, that must be scary, and when you're ready I'm sure he will help you back to where you want to be.
    Sending you lots of energy and hope that this disease has been defeated.
    hugs
    DF

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  2. I too have been thinking about you. Recently I have injured myself and most of the ttwd stuff has been off of the table for a couple of months now. I thought of you and the stuggles you have endured this past year. I don't know if I miss the bruises, out of sight out of mind. But I do miss, the us. The connection, and as you so wonderfully put it there are parts of me that feel abandoned too.

    I am so incredibly sorry that this has been such a challenging year for you. But I do wish to thank you for continuing to share your story. I know my injury is nothing in comparison to your challenges, but you have expressed things here that I haven't been able to. So Thank you.

    I pray that your results come back you have won! I hope for your sake by this time next month you will be looking at a lot of things in the rear view window, and think, Thank GOD that is over!

    hugs
    willie

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  3. Hi Aurora, I have been thinking of you also and am glad you posted this. Hang in there. The priority is your health right now and Philip is taking good care of you. I'm so glad to hear you are symptom free. Sending positive thoughts and prayers that the chemo has had had a positive result.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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  4. Hug. It is SOOO good to see a post from you! I thought you were gone! But, wow, you have a lot going on, so I completely understand the break. Chemo?!

    Maybe you could just try writing without reading?

    I know there's nothing I can say to make that ache go away, but try to look forward to the future...like you look forward to a vacation. You will be able to dust off those parts of you so he can continue to glue them back together...look forward to that.

    Again, it's so nice to hear from you.

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  5. Please add me to the long list of bloggers who have been thinking of you and Phillip!!

    Your story is important and I selfishly get so excited to hear from you! I am sending absolute love and healing your way my friend. I very much wish for all good news coming your way- you deserve to have your life back.

    XOXO Pearl

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  6. My prayers are with you and Phillip.

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  7. big huge squishy ((((hugs))))
    i'm sorry you're missing all that - ack,it's a horrible feeling. Everything crossed for a good outcome from your next appointment xxx

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