Monday, May 5, 2014

Disappearing

I’ve been trying to write something for a while now, but I’m really not sure what to write about. Or if I should even post at all. Or even blog anymore.

I have been reading here in blogland sometimes too—or rather lurking. I know it sounds silly, but commenting, like blogging, has always stressed me out a little. I get so insecure about it and agonize over every little word and worry about saying the wrong thing or offending somebody or my words not coming out right. It was getting easier, but now that I’ve been quiet so long it feels impossibly hard to comment again. And Phillip, who knows very well how much I overthink all this, would rather I just stay quiet and not stress about these things. But I do want to say I miss and care about you all.

Healthwise I’m hanging in there and getting by with just painkillers and topical stuff. None of the truly icky meds yet…although the odds are high I’ll need something, but the plan is to hold out until I get to see the specialist sometime next month. So many doctors know so little about this disease and we’d rather wait for somebody with experience in treating it. The physical symptoms are more of an annoyance than a serious threat at the moment, but because of the risk of things going ‘bad fast’, sex, spanking, and pretty much anything fun is off the table.

So these days, my focus is supposed to be following my new caffeine-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, preservative-free, oh-this-sucks-so-bad diet and learning to deal better with stress. It’s crazy how stress affects how much the physical symptoms flare or not – Phillip can tell if I’ve been stressing because it’s written all over my body now. I’ve never been very good at dealing with stress until we started this dynamic and I found such peace and release in the physical parts – especially spanking. But now that it’s off the table, we have to find other things like yoga and meditation. I think I’m flunking meditiation (it’s so hard to turn off my thoughts). But I’ve taken up drawing and knitting and those have been helping enormously.

Phillip has been wonderful. He’s taken amazing care of me and I know I am beyond blessed to have him. To be loved like this. And he’s still very much the Dominant around here and tells me what to do. And I do that….which I guess still makes me very much his submissive. But I really don’t feel like one anymore. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the lack of sex. Or the lack of spanking. Or the lack of him letting me do much for him anymore. Or maybe it’s that I can see the stress and tiredness in his eyes and I know I put it there.  I don’t know. I just know I feel like the parts of me that were Aurora are slowly disappearing and all that’s left are the empty holes where she once existed.

Phillip says not to worry and that he’ll get her back. We’ll get this back. He won’t forget. And when this is all over, he’s taking me away somewhere (and that Daddy-side of his is NOT invited). And I believe that and really look forward to that day. But the reality is that could be years from now.

So until then I'm just hanging on and hoping I don't completely disappear.