Insecure in Blogland

In one of the early manuscripts I wrote, there was a character who always ran from her problems. At the end of every chapter. At the end of every scene. At the slightest hint of confrontation, she was out of there.

After about the fiftieth time or so of this character taking off, my critique partners informed me (in their gentle but very firm way) that if I wanted the readers to give a damn about my character, I needed to make her stand up for herself.

Daddy agreed with them. He also pointed out something else. He thought that character was very much like myself.

I hated strongly disliked admitting he was right.

I've barely begun to find my voice here in blogland, and I fear I've already stepped on somebody's toes. And after reading a post about another blogger encountering judgment, I nearly slammed my computer shut with a vow to not return.

The problem is it's not my choice. Blogging twice a  week is a rule--one I imagine Daddy's not going to let me run from.

I wrote last week about how I'm not one of those strong vibrant women who you'd never guess were submissive. I just wanted to say that I envy women who are like that more than you'll ever know. I'd give anything to have that strength. I hope my daughters are like that--whether they ever find out they have a submissive side or not.

I really wish I could be like that. Brave. Confident. Fearless.

But I'm not. And yes, it's something that's been worked on over and over and over again in my life -- with countless friends, family, therapists.

Daddy accepts me the way I am, and he's encouraging me to do the same. To embrace my gentler side. No he doesn't want me to run. Yes, he does want me to stand up for myself. But just because I'm not that quick-witted, kickass, take-no-crap woman I've always longed to be, doesn't mean I'm weak. There's a certain strength in accepting and loving yourself for who you are rather than who the world thinks you should be. 

Later as I cuddled up to Daddy, I was tempted to ask him to let me quit blogging. But I didn't. Part of it was because I already knew what his answer would be. The other part is that there are so many wonderful blogs (and bloggers) in blogland. I've been lurking for well over a year and learned so much. I don't have a lot to offer, but I am glad to be here.

I did tell Daddy about how I was feeling. And how much harder I'm finding it to write the real stuff versus fiction. He reminded me that I'm not writing to please everybody else, just him, and that if anything I should just treat it like a journal and be real and honest.

So that's what this is --- me being real. Insecurities and all.

And I want to say I'm not here to judge. I'm only here to learn. And share what I can.