Free to Be Me

There's a friend of mine who's been in my life since I was 12 years old. She's an extravert -- bold, fearless, and not afraid to speak her mind. Yet I'm convinced that if she weren't vanilla, she'd be a submissive.

Oh, I don't know for sure. I don't even know if she's vanilla (although it wouldn't surprise me if she wasn't considering she's responsible for the majority of my sexual education during junior high). But anyways, over the years, I've watched her bold personality melt into someone more eager-to-please whenever her current love interest was around.

I've heard this isn't uncommon. That there are lots of strong, vibrant women who'd you never guess as being submissive.

I am not one of them.

Spend a few minutes with me in real life--maybe even less--and you'll know I'm submissive. I have an extremely passive personality. I'm kinda like a classic doormat. I've always been this way since I can remember. Quiet, shy, afraid of conflict. Never wanting to offend people. Always wanting to make others happy. I followed rules, colored within the lines, and submitted to anyone who gave off a hint of authority.

But I had a not-in-a-good-way controlling father, overbearing mother, and friends who always put me in the middle of their fights. I learned quickly that it's hard to please everybody.

So, I learned to hate this part of myself. Really, really hate it. Not that I could escape it.

The need to please has overwhelmed me through the years. My parents, friends, in-laws, co-workers...  I could never say no. I would resent it, hate it, rage internally, but I couldn't say no.  And time and time again, I became a doormat.

But not by Philip.


Since 'officially' submitting to him, he reminds me often that the only person I need to please is him. He's given me a place where this 'need' I have is not only filled, but accepted, loved, cherished, and needed by him too.

And he's not letting me be a doormat. In my job, with my friends, with my writing. Even with commenting and blogging here in blogland. I've been lurking in the shadows for over a year, and Philip decided it was time I stepped out of the corner.

He's teaching me to not only accept that part of myself, but love it as well.

For the first time in my life, I'm finding the freedom to finally be me.