Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Free to Be Me

There's a friend of mine who's been in my life since I was 12 years old. She's an extravert -- bold, fearless, and not afraid to speak her mind. Yet I'm convinced that if she weren't vanilla, she'd be a submissive.

Oh, I don't know for sure. I don't even know if she's vanilla (although it wouldn't surprise me if she wasn't considering she's responsible for the majority of my sexual education during junior high). But anyways, over the years, I've watched her bold personality melt into someone more eager-to-please whenever her current love interest was around.

I've heard this isn't uncommon. That there are lots of strong, vibrant women who'd you never guess as being submissive.

I am not one of them.

Spend a few minutes with me in real life--maybe even less--and you'll know I'm submissive. I have an extremely passive personality. I'm kinda like a classic doormat. I've always been this way since I can remember. Quiet, shy, afraid of conflict. Never wanting to offend people. Always wanting to make others happy. I followed rules, colored within the lines, and submitted to anyone who gave off a hint of authority.

But I had a not-in-a-good-way controlling father, overbearing mother, and friends who always put me in the middle of their fights. I learned quickly that it's hard to please everybody.

So, I learned to hate this part of myself. Really, really hate it. Not that I could escape it.

The need to please has overwhelmed me through the years. My parents, friends, in-laws, co-workers...  I could never say no. I would resent it, hate it, rage internally, but I couldn't say no.  And time and time again, I became a doormat.

But not by Philip.


Since 'officially' submitting to him, he reminds me often that the only person I need to please is him. He's given me a place where this 'need' I have is not only filled, but accepted, loved, cherished, and needed by him too.

And he's not letting me be a doormat. In my job, with my friends, with my writing. Even with commenting and blogging here in blogland. I've been lurking in the shadows for over a year, and Philip decided it was time I stepped out of the corner.

He's teaching me to not only accept that part of myself, but love it as well.

For the first time in my life, I'm finding the freedom to finally be me.

8 comments:

  1. This is such a beautiful post Aurora! I'm so glad that your Philip is giving you the safety and security you need all the while encouraging you to be brave and own who you are.

    I am one of the ones that no one in my real life would suspect as being submissive to my Daddy, but this, like you, has always been a part of who I am. A part that I hid and despised as being weak and twisted. I've come to realize just how wrong that perception was. It takes great strength to submit to another, to give them that trust and vulnerability.

    Glad you stepped out of your corner :)

    hugs
    p

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    1. Thanks P! You are so right that it does take great strength.

      hugs,

      aurora

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  2. Hi Aurora, everyone has their public and private personas. I'm absolutely sure none of my friends would perceive me as being submissive to my husband behind our bedroom door. I'm glad you're finding your voice. Welcome!
    DF

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    1. Hi DF,

      Yes they do and I do envy those who are better at separating the 'public' and 'private'. Maybe if I could have, I'd have had a lot more confidence like my friend.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      aurora

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  3. HI Aurora.

    That the one of the many perks of doing ttwd. Not only finding 'you' under all those labels and misconceptions that we allow people to put upon us, ( even if it is only in our own mind) and see US. I think of it as cleaning the dust off of a ceiling light. Sure the it was giving off light before, but now...WOW we can see so much better.

    I hope you enjoy 'delurking' in blogland as much as I did.

    willie

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    1. Very true. That's a good analogy. Thanks willie for stopping by!

      -aurora

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  4. Hi Aurora ~

    So much of what you wrote here resonates with me too - we quiet 'people pleasers' can get turned into pretzels very easily, lol. I'm so glad that your husband is helping you fulfill your need without being totally overwhelmed by everyone else. What a wise & loving hubby!

    I also just want to welcome you to the community! Glad you came out of the corner :)

    hugs,
    Cali

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