Land Mines

For us, moving deeper into a TTWD relationship has meant digging through the past. Uncovering the hurt we've buried throughout the years so we can heal from them has brought us closer together in ways I never dreamed were possible.

And we have a lot of these 'buried hurts'. Maybe it's because we've been together for a while or we because we had so much drama in the beginning or because I have a bad habit of preferring to run from my feelings rather than face them. Or maybe others have a lot too...I don't know.

Usually they're like empty graves. When we uncover one, there's sometimes a momentary 'heart tug' (as Philip likes to call it). Then we talk (and talk and talk). We ask any questions, discuss any lingering feelings and relish that yet another thing between us is gone.

Usually this is done in a few hours or less. Without tears or screaming or drama.

Usually.

Sometimes we seem to uncover a land mine. Everything, including TTWD, explodes around us and we're fighting like we used to fight. He gets angry and pulls away. I get emotional and pull away. We say things we really don't mean. (Well..at least I hope we don't mean them).

On Friday, we hit one of these so-called land mines. We had been looking forward to the weekend, partly because this month has been crazy busy with the kids getting back to school and some job issues we've been having. Also because Saturday was a special day for us.

Philip had planned a surprise, but when I discovered what it was I reacted badly. Well...more like flipped out. It was something new for us. Something new, but.hardly extreme. It's probably something a lot of vanilla couples do or have done, and I've done way more kinkier stuff in the past year and a half.

In fact it was something I'd done before, with somebody else.

So the last thing Philip expected was me flipping out. I did have my reasons -- reasons I hadn't yet shared with him (it was a grave we hadn't dug up yet), but since he didn't know that he took my reaction as a rejection. So feeling hurt, he pulled away. And feeling hurt that he pulled away, I pulled away. And boom. Everything exploded.

Once things settled down, we did start to communicate. Our day was busy, so most of it was done through e-mail, but later that evening I curled up in his arms and we talked and talked and cried (well I cried). But despite all the talking and his reassurances that this wasn't my fault, and that we were going to keep talking and work through this, I couldn't help but feel like I had failed...miserably.

Why did I react that way? Why didn't I just submit? Why did I have to go and ruin our special weekend by my little freak out?

We did end up having an amazing weekend. Even without Philip's surprise, it was sweet, sentimental, fun, kinky, and perfect. But I still can't help feel a little shaky. Like I'm waiting to see if this is something that's brought us closer together or set us back. Or if it's just another reminder that things worth having don't come easy.

Gosh I hate those land mines.