Monday, March 10, 2014

Learning to Just Be Myself and Some Answers

For the first 13 months of our TTWD relationship, the only person I ever actually talked about TTWD with was Daddy. Oh, I read lots of blogs here and lurked on a few forums, but I was way too scared and shy to ever leave a comment or 'interact' in any way.

But I loved reading. It made me feel so 'normal' to know so many others felt like I did. And I learned so much. I would often share my favorite posts with Daddy -- the ones that said exactly what I'd been feeling far better than I could, the ones that made me laugh, the ones that made me cry, the ones that helped us through some of the bumps in the road. I would even throw out bloggers names like they were friends. I would tell Daddy all the time something like, 'Tori, lil, roz, mouse, greengirl, etc. said this today'.

I think I finally annoyed Daddy enough with my one-way imaginary friendships though, because not long after hitting our one year TTWD anniversary, he gave me the assignment to comment on one of those blog posts that touched me. This had to be one of the hardest assignment he's ever given me. I think I even tried to make it into a hard limit. He just responded by giving me a deadline.

So there I was with this assignment and deadline, and I remember one day mentally preparing myself. The next blog post that 'spoke' to me, I'd comment. That wouldn't be too hard since so many of them 'spoke' to me. Unfortunately though, I think all of blog land decided to go on vacation that week because there was nothing. Literally nothing.

But on another forum I sometimes lurked on, there was a post somebody made whose story reminded me so much of ours. Daddy said it could count as my comment so I responded. I was so nervous. What if I said something wrong or offended her or came off as too know-it-all or...?

I know I worry way too much about what others think. Daddy doesn't like it because he believes that I'm being 'fake' and it keeps me from being the 'real me'. I don't like it because it paralyzes me and sometimes even answering a text or calling to make a doctor's appointment can seem impossible.

Being here in blog land (where I'm required to not over think and just be honest) is changing that.
I do still get squeamish when I leave comments and publish posts and hit send on an e-mail. And I love far more blog posts than I get the courage to comment on. But it's getting easier. And changing me -- in all areas of my life.

Earlier this winter before the health problems, there were a lot of things shifting career-wise. It was scary and hard and heart-breaking. And then came the health issues and endless weeks of nothing for me to do but think. Daddy and I spent a lot of time talking and charting a 'new course' of embracing my strengths and interests, instead of chasing the trends or playing the 'popularity game'.

As I'm getting better and able to start putting some of that plan into action, I'm finding so much hope again. And I'm enjoying this part of my life more than I have in a long, long time. The sun is shining, the snow is melting, and it's so freeing to let go and as Daddy always says, 'just be myself.'

So thank you Daddy and blog land, and thank you Tomsrose, who was the writer of the post I first responded too. Not only did I not offend her, but she reached out through private messages too and became my first 'TTWD friend'. Daddy and I were on vacation at the time so we didn't get to talk much, but it was enough to give me the courage to start blogging when we returned last September.  

And thank you too for the questions. I've answered two of them. I'll do the third in another post since this is getting long and I really want to go read some blogs today (I have so much to catch up on).


What is your favorite movie?

I'm not good at picking favorites -- I'm very indecisive about so many things. I think that's why I need a Dom. Seriously. But here are some of my favorites....

The Lion King (I love most Disney movies but Daddy and I saw this on our second date exactly three years before our first child was born so it's the favorite), Steel Magnolias, Titanic (well until one of Daddy's friends ruined it for me), Finding Nemo, Inception (because it drives Daddy crazy that I loved it so much), and Catching Fire (better than the book and I rarely think that)

And Somewhere In Time...ooh I think this could be my ultimate favorite because it has everything I love -- time travel, gorgeous music, beautiful location, star-crossed lovers, and Superman.

Okay, I just realized my movies either have to be animated or have tragic endings.


What is the craziest place that you and your daddy have gotten down to business?

Well this answer is going to be very boring(and probably stay boring). Daddy's not a very public person and I'm rather shy, and neither of us are exhibitionists or get turned on by the idea of being watched or caught. So it's only been behind locked doors at home or in hotels and occasionally in a car parked in a very secluded location. So I guess we're do-crazy-things in non-crazy-locations people. Lol. Although it's one of my more tame and romantic fantasies to do it outside at night underneath the stars.

Thanks again for the questions!


13 comments:

  1. You are not alone, you know. I lurked a long time before I got the nerve to create my own blog. That first post .. I think I wrote it 50 times before I actually posted it. I am a horrible writer ... I tend to babble on & on (but you have already figured THAT out for yourself). And I was determined that people wouldn't like me .. that I would be considered a phony because I had no real experience. Oh gosh .. what else ... oh comments on other peoples' blog posts. Yup .. that was almost worst than writing that first post!
    So do you see Aurora? Do you see how strong I REALLY am? ;) I think you are awesome and am grateful that Phillip gave you that assignment cuz look at you go! :D

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    1. Is that a question in there? Because I think I could write an entire post on how strong geekie kittie is :)

      And I'm grateful you went for it too!

      hugs,
      aurora

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    2. HEY! No fair Pirate Princess! This is NOT about me! "blushes*

      I can't wait for Philip to answers question though but no hurry He still has 19 days left of Q&A month, and I'm patient! *giggles*

      (((hugs)))

      Oh BTW, I am so glad to see you back in blogland!

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  2. Fyi, I'm very pleased you "joined" us. I love reading your comments and your blog. So glad you are recovering as expected. Now, I need to think of some questions.

    You state it's been hard to comment and blog. Are you afraid of Daddy reading it or afraid of the "judgement" that you feel would happen?

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    1. Thank you so much HS! I really love and appreciate your comments and blog posts. They are so real and full of so much honesty.

      And thanks for the great question. I'll answer it soon.

      hugs,
      aurora

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  3. Oh!!! I have a question ... for Phillip. :)

    Since you have entered into this D/s dynamic, what effect has it had on your relationship and what effect has it had on Aurora specifically (has it made her more self confident etc?)

    (I know you are really busy but ... I asked anyway, I am in no hurry though .. you have all month)

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    1. He said he'll answer it on the 31st...lol (since you said he had all month). I really think he's kidding.

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    2. Hmmm, I WILL hold him to it! >:)

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  4. Awwww...this is just awesome to read. I had no idea how much went into you replying to my post on that forum. I feel so lucky that you were there to respond because your response was just what I needed. And by sharing with me the way you did and messaging back and forth, you got me started in blogland and ultimately led me to TTWD. I am very very thankful to have "met" you Aurora! And I'm also a hopeless romantic - so outside under the stars sounds amazing to me. I'd do that in a heartbeat as long as we could not be seen! I'm definitely not into exhibitionism! We just got Catching Fire. I read the book and we had seen it in the theatre, but of course we had to watch it again as soon as it came out. I just love the kiss that Peeta and Katniss share in the arena. I feel like it's their first real kiss, as in not for show, and I just loved it! I'm looking forward to seeing how they handle the next two movies. There's so much in that last book!

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    1. Thanks Tomsrose!

      And yay for Team Peeta! Yes, I just loved that kiss. I saw it in the theater three times, but haven't watched it again yet. We have the DVD but I haven't quite been up to it. Planning and hoping to next week when my mom is here visiting (she's been dying to see it).
      And yes, Mockingjay should be interesting although I'm not looking forward to what's gonna happen with Peeta. Did you read Divergent? I'm really hoping I'll be ready to see it when it comes out next week.

      hugs,
      aurora

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    2. I haven't read Divergent yet. It's definitely on my list of books to read-especially before the movie comes out! I kind of like dystopian fiction!

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  5. Hi Aurora, I'm so glad to see you are recovering and that you are now feeling up to posting :)

    I totally relate to this post. It took me a looong time of lurking before plucking up the courage to ever comment, let alone start my own blog. I am so glad that you took the plunge and started your own blog. I also enjoy reading your posts and comments :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz!

      Well I'm really really glad you did pluck up that courage because your blog was always one of my favorites to lurk on!

      Thanks for stopping by!

      hugs,
      aurora

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