So I’m going on the third day of no Daddy and I think everybody’s falling apart today. I’m functioning on very little sleep because it’s hard to sleep without him and my youngest had a huge meltdown this morning and my oldest has developed a bratty attitude and I’m feeling like the worst mom in the world. And I love my mom (I really do), but she’s driving me crazy.
Most of all I just really miss Daddy. He keeps me centered and balanced and calm and patient and safe. Right now I’m none of those things. I’m an emotional grumpy mess today. I really don’t know how those who do this long distance thing on a more regular or longer basis do it. You are far stronger than I am.
So to distract myself and hopefully improve my mood before I talk to Daddy today, I thought I’d answer another question.
This one comes from His slut: You state it's been hard to comment and blog. Are you afraid of Daddy reading it or afraid of the "judgement" that you feel would happen?
Well to be honest, I’m actually afraid of both.
When the topic of blogging came up, Daddy’s exact words were that, “I was going to do this right. No holding back.” I’ve been hiding my feelings all my life and it was really important to him that I not do that here. He wants me to ‘be real’ and not edit my words or opinions out of a fear of offending others. He set up the blog and holds all the ‘admin’ rights. The only thing I can do on here is post and comment because that’s all he wants me to worry about. Just writing what comes to mind.
It’s not always easy though because I do still have that nagging worry of judgment in the back of my head. And despite Daddy insisting on controlling the comments here, I don’t think it’s those who want to anonymously judge these relationships as ‘sick’ or ‘abusive’ that concern me. It’s the bloggers that I have been quietly following (such as yourself HS). The ones whose posts have inspired me and touched me. The ones whose opinions I have come to deeply respect. Because I value them so much, the idea of offending them or being judged by them scares the crap of me. Now I have to say that so far this has been an imaginary fear (believe me I have lots of crazy and imaginary fears). Everyone in blog land has been nothing but kind and accepting. But I won’t lie, although I think I’m getting better, the fear is still there.
And yes, I get afraid of Daddy reading it too. More than anybody else reading it because his opinion does matter the most. But my fear with him is not so much what I’m writing as how I’m writing it. I know some people start blogs as a way of communicating with their Dominant or as a way of working out their feelings or as a way to help others. But my blog isn’t one of those.The purpose of my blogging and commenting is a way for me to reach out and interact with others and also for me to learn to ‘let go’ and get over my fear of judgment. Because of that, there’s not really anything I post that Daddy doesn’t already know. He just wants to see me being myself in my posts and my comments.
Thanks for the great question HS!
If anyone else has any more questions, feel free to ask. I could more distractions.