So yesterday I got in some pretty big trouble.
I went to my regular doctor on Monday for something I considered rather little. It was a follow up appointment over a symptom I had put off until after my surgery. Something unrelated to the surgery.
My regular doctor wanted to send me to a specialist. Still not worried. Not until I found out they were considering it ‘urgent’ and asked if I could go in yesterday afternoon.
There was barely enough time to text Daddy and get out the door to make it in time. But we did. And yesterday I found myself in a doctor’s office, half-naked with my mom and two nurses and the doctor and desperately wishing Daddy could be there. The doctor told us what she thought it could be – a rare autoimmune disease. It could be the cause of why I had to have that surgery last month. But I won’t know for a week and she’ll be calling me with the results. She also told me not to go looking it up on the internet and wait for her instructions.
I called Daddy after the appointment and relayed all the news and he ORDERED me to stay off the internet.
So what did I do?
Well…with a doctor telling me not to go looking and Daddy over a thousand miles away and my morbid curiousity getting the best of me.
Well, I googled it. And I read lots of scary things about it being rare and serious and fatal. And that up until about fifty years ago, 99 percent of people that got it died within a few years. And yeah, it all freaked me out. The internet is a scary place.
Daddy was NOT happy. He was very angry and once he was done letting me know that, he hung up. And I locked myself away in our master bathroom bawling my eyes out when I realized that my biggest fears weren’t having this disease or dying from this disease.
My biggest fears are Daddy saying “Enough is enough.” That I had gone too far by deliberately disobeying him. Or that he can’t deal with yet another ‘medical problem’ of mine.
Daddy didn’t say either of these things and we did talk last night and although he says I’m gonna ‘get straightened out when he gets home’, he did forgive me for not doing as I was told. And I’m so thrilled that late tonight I’m finally going to be safe and secure in his arms again after this super long week.
But I still can’t stop this nagging fear today. I'm starting to think that maybe we've been so happy over the past two years...that maybe people don't deserve to be this happy. We’re barely through this last ‘health’ storm and in a week we could be starting another one. I mean, seriously, when is enough enough?