Daddy and I e-mail a lot. That's something we've done throughout our dating years and our marriage. We've expressed feelings, resolved fights, and celebrated important days through e-mails and letters. I still have a lot of them...especially from way back when we first met and were dating. Writing has just always been an important part of our relationship.
It's been even more important as we moved into a D/s type relationship. I actually first told Daddy about my submissive feelings via e-mail and for the first year and a half of the relationship we e-mailed each other every day. When he changed jobs, it dropped to a few times a week or so, but that's because we had more time every evening to just cuddle and talk. We still do that every night, but last winter the e-mailing sort of dropped off.
I think that's when all my fears starting creeping in. It was so much easier to be open with Daddy when writing than it is just to tell him. And sometimes I'm not even sure what I want to say until I actually write it. But it seemed the longer we went without the e-mails, the easier it was to curl up and hide back in myself.
Last month, Daddy started the e-mails up again. At first he'd give me a topic or questions and tell me he wanted me to write an answer by a certain date. But it was sooo hard to try to write again especially so I'd wait until the night before and end up having to ask for an extension.
So then he told me he wasn't giving me a due date, but he hoped to hear back within a week or we were going to discuss communication issues. I was sooo frustrated. Sure, I'm not already feeling submissive and now it felt like he was being less dominant...but dang it worked because that's when all my feelings and fears started pouring out and the e-mails have been pretty non-stop since.
When we first started out and were discussing stuff like what we wanted to do and things we didn't think we could do and what limits there would be, Daddy said he didn't want to close any doors. He hoped I could trust him enough that he'd never do anything to harm me emotionally, physically or mentally. I guess it didn't really all hit me what this meant until a little over a year ago when Daddy surprised me with something that he might be interested trying in the future. It's something that hit me hard in the gut...I remember Daddy was at work and it was nighttime and there was a thunderstorm. I spent the night tossing and turning in bed fighting waves of fears.
When Daddy came home, he found me still awake and crying that I didn't think I could handle it, he made me a promise. That if there was something he really wanted that I couldn't handle, it was his job to help me grow to a place where I can handle it. And if I can't, then that's okay. It took a few days of that same promise, but eventually my fears quieted down and the subject was dropped.
Until this past week...it came out in one of our many e-mails. And Daddy let me ask more questions and share all my fears. As he's been answering me, I've been waiting for that 'punch to the gut' feeling again. I've been waiting for the paralyzing fear. But it's been pretty darn quiet. I'm not quite sure it's something I could handle at this very moment, but suddenly it's not something that I don't think I could not handle either.
I think I've been thinking that this past year has been a waste for us...Daddy said the only focus is on me getting better so the kink has taken a backseat. Pretty much a nonexistent backseat We've just been stuck--maybe even sometimes going backwards. But realizing that something that scared the hell out of me a year ago, no longer does, I can only think that maybe I have been growing. Maybe it's the trust formed every time I've reached and found his hand in the doctors' offices. Maybe it's the way he's taken care of me, the promises he's kept. I've recently had to lower the dosage of my medication because it's been affecting my liver enzymes, so this week the doctor talked about considering the possibility of taking a bigger but riskier approach to fighting this disease I have. It would mean basically restarting my whole immune system and there are quite a few things that could go wrong. But I'm not worried. Daddy will decide what to do and I know it will be the right thing for me. I trust in and believe that with all my heart.
Getting past these recent fears has made me see that things between us have been growing over this past year and maybe I've been wrong about 2014. I've had it in my head that this year has gotten in the way of our TTWD. But maybe TTWD is what's getting us through this year.