Lately I've been afraid. But I'm not really sure of what.
Maybe it's all the depressing and scary news or that my girls are growing up so fast and I worry constantly about what the future holds for them. Or maybe it's all this health stuff that has made me feel so much older this year and that late at night I can't stop thinking about how the years are flying and how old everybody is getting and how much time do I really have left with them.
And with Daddy...I'm afraid of our dynamic shifting just as much as I'm afraid of it non shifting. One minute I'm all in...I want or rather need to be submissive more than anything in the world. And in the next minute I'm fighting. I get anxious or impatient or bratty or turn into this crazy overemotional wreck. I curl up inside myself and want to hide somewhere where I can go unnoticed. Where nobody will judge me or hurt me or even notice me.
It's hard to hide from Daddy though...he always notices. And he wants to know why I can't let go. What am I so afraid of?
Him? I don't think so. He's never given me a reason to really not trust him. Sure he makes mistakes. Sure he lets me down from time to time, but nobody is perfect. Not him. Certainly not me. And it's one of those things that when I really need him...he's always there. When he's made promises, he does everything possible to see them through. I've known him for over half my life and I know how honest he is, how important integrity is to him, how he demands the truth from all of us in our family (especially himself). And when I did let go last time, I found more happiness and strength than I've ever know. For the first time in my life, I really truly found me. So there's no reason not to trust him. No reason to be afraid. So why am I?
I don't know. At first I was thinking maybe it was because of something that happened late last year. This dynamic changed me. It forced me to stop hiding behind the walls I'd spent a lifetime building and really be myself. Some people in my life I considered friends and trusted so much didn't quite like the 'new, real me'. And my trust was betrayed and it hurt a lot. So maybe that's it...maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt like that again.
But I'm not so sure. Because deep down I was relieved when I lost those so-called friends. They put a lot of expectations on me and there was a freedom in getting out from beneath the weight of them. And letting go and embracing myself started to bring the right kind of friends into my life anyways so why wouldn't I want to be that.
So maybe it's something else. Maybe it was because when the health woes began last winter, Daddy's 'pushy' side disappeared. There's two sides to him--the soft, gentle side that is always reaching for my hand when we walk through parking lots and tucks me in every night and who makes me feel like their is no safer place in the world then curled up to him with my head on his chest. Then there's the other darker crueler side of him. That's the side of him that gets deep inside my head so he can push me and manipulate me to be exactly what he thinks I should be. That's his 'pushy' side. And when it went away last winter, suddenly that space he took up in my head and kept so perfectly organized fell into shambles.
I tried, I think, to push myself. During the long, boring days before and after my surgery and into the next illness, I tried. I'd give myself little goals that I'd never tell him about. He was too busy--with work and taking care of me. I suck at pushing myself though and eventually I quit trying. And then my brain just turned into this big overthinking mess again and I started building back up some of those walls that Daddy once pushed me through. I think Daddy knew I was doing this, but it didn't matter because it was always temporary to him. Once he felt like I could physically handle it, he would just push me back through those walls again.
So I should let go and trust he'll fix it when it's time. Right? But what if he does that and all the crappy health woes come back and he has to back off again and my brain gets messy again and I start building those stupid walls and...maybe I'm afraid of going backwards again?
Or maybe I'm afraid of facing those walls again. Of getting pushed through them. It hurt last time, I imagine it'll hurt this time. But it hurt more to stay hiding behind them...didn't it? Maybe it's this tiny little voice in my head that keeps telling me to shut up and go back to my corner and not bother anyone with any of this...especially Daddy. It tells me I'm way too much work and I'm better off just burying my head in the sand and hiding.
But I know that voice is wrong. Daddy would never let me hide--not now. Whether I let go of these fears I'm clinging so tightly on today or fight him on for the months or years to come, the outcome will be the same. Daddy will dig that vulnerable part back out of me and break down those walls and silence that voice. So why am I so afraid?
Maybe I think too much or not enough or maybe my brain is just way too messy to make any sense of this at the moment. I just know that these days as Daddy tightens the reigns again, there is a war going off in my head.