Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Harder Than It Ought To Be

This past month has been a busy one for us. Daddy got a new job. I had some unexpected things happen at mine. We had to go out of town to my grandma's funeral. Daddy and our oldest went away hunting for a weekend. There has been a lot going on and Daddy has been very tired.

I know Daddy puts a lot of work into us. It's tiring enough to run your own life, and to add somebody else's on top of that. Plus he's learning a new, very different, much busier job. Lots going on with him, and I know this is a time where he needs me to be patient. But when I get stressed and overwhelmed, that's when I need Daddy's dominance the most. 
 
Last Wednesday was one of those days. It was a stressful day, and I got some bad news that I wasn't dealing with so well. Plus it was that time of month where my emotions run away from me so I was not in a good place. 

Daddy's number one rule is honesty. He's not a fan of brattiness. I'm supposed to tell him how I'm feeling at all times. Sometimes I'm good at this. Other times...not so much. And last Wednesday was not one of those 'good times'. Daddy had a stressful day too and had some last minute stuff dumped on him that he needed to worry about getting done the next morning.
 
So I was feeling guilty for needing him so much. I could tell he was tired and distracted, and instead of telling him how I was feeling, I thought maybe I'd just sleep things off and feel better about everything the next morning.
 
Usually we have some kind of playtime and spanking every night. But because he was tired and I told him I was too, we skipped it that night and went to bed early. Daddy had to be in the office super early the next morning and although I usually get up and make him breakfast, this morning he let me sleep in.

I don't like waking up alone. And even worse, I woke up still stressed and anxious. Everything seemed a thousand times worse and I couldn't shut off my thoughts. It's hard for me to keep my feelings from Daddy long, and he tends to pick up on it anyways. So they did all eventually come out over Thursday and Friday -- in very messy, emotional, and somewhat explosive ways.
 
I read a blog post by lil at Submissive Sanctuary about feeling like work. Gosh I love it when I read a post that puts into words exactly what I've been feeling (and can't). I hate the idea that I could be more work for Daddy. That after his hard day, he has to fix mine too.
 
I told him this and he reminded me that things are a lot less work when we do them 'his way'. If I had just been honest in the first place, we'd have had a lot easier Thursday and Friday.
 
Oy. I do sometimes have a bad habit of making things harder than they ought to be.


12 comments:

  1. Unburdening without being a burden.... I wish I had some words of wisdom to tackle this, but I don't! It's a habit we all wish we could break.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. I know! I wish I could be better about this. Thanks DF!

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  2. Insecurity does make things more difficult, doesn't it? We want to say something, but we fear being rejected or judged. So we bury it, and in the process we make things more complicated. It would be easier if the people in our lives could read us better, but sometimes we have to find the courage to speak up. And to be open to other perspectives and hearing what others have to say.

    Hugs to you.

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    1. Hi Anastasia! Yes insecurity does make everything so much worse and it's a huge struggle of mine. Speaking up does make things so much simpler. Thanks for stopping by!

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  3. dear dear aurora... it's like reading a page from my own blog...

    after a while you'll understand that telling him the truth honestly as soon as possible makes things way better way sooner.

    i know about feeling like i shouldn't ADD to his burdens. but they don't THINK we're a burden. we need to start understanding this.

    tell him - you'll find the words that fit for you.

    mine sound something like "i know you're busy and have a ton of things on but i'm feeling horrid and i don't want to be a pain but i need you to help me feel better if you can... "

    acknowledging they're busy says you're not being selfish, but just coming to him with a need. that's what this is all about isn't it?

    *good luck*

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    1. Thanks Fondles!! And very good point about their feelings and them not thinking we're the burden. I know he wants and needs to take care of these things for me. He's said that before. So going to him with my needs fulfills his needs.

      But for me sometimes it's so much easier said than done...lol.

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  4. it is nice when we read something knowing someone else is struggling to..Tyler says I over think all the time

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    1. Gosh yes its, and I hear that too all the time.

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  5. You know Horror Moans as I like to call them have a way of reeking havoc in a way that the week prior it never would have. It took my husband a while to understand that, in the ttwd boundaries. For a while he didn't know what to do. After he figured it out, just knowing he was there for me seemed to change my anxiety level.
    Being honest is a wonderful thing. Being able to do it, not as easy as it sounds. But by making up your mind that you are a burden to him, takes the control away from him and gives it to you. You have made the decision. I am happy that you were able to let you were able to talk to him and he was able to reassure you!
    willie

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    1. Thanks willie. Lol Horror Moans - I like that. And that's a great way to think about 'it taking the control away from him' by choosing to not burden him.

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  6. Not wanting to be 'work' or a burden? it's a hard one isn't it and I think we all feel the same way. It really is so much better if we can be honest about how we are feeling. I'm so glad you were able to do that.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz! And being honest about the feelings is so much easier. That's something I was never super good at before TTWD so it's been a bit of a struggle sometimes. I'm just hoping I can get even better at it!

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