Friday, November 22, 2013

Don't Deserve You

Today's an anniversary of sorts. Not really one people celebrate, but I'm sort of celebrating it anyways.
November 22, 1993 was the beginning of the only other significant relationship I've had in my life besides Daddy.
I'm not really sure I should be calling it significant. It was short-lived and began for all the wrong reasons. I went out with him to get back at a friend -- it was very juvenile and stupid and full of drama. It was doomed from the start.
He was out of my life within two years. And if you add up all the time I was together with this guy (there was a lot of on and off periods), we were together for barely a year. I'm closing in on 40 now -- one year is nothing. Nothing.

Our relationship was intense though. In some ways I feel like that I lived twenty years in just that one year. He filled up a lot of my 'firsts'. I turned my back on friends and family to be with him. And it ended badly. Very badly. Because of this, I think it took me years to fully let go of him. Years in which I was with Daddy...married to Daddy.
It wasn't just the fallout that hurt Daddy. Daddy walked into my life in the midst of that 'intense year'. He ended up being one of those 'friends' I turned my back on. I broke his heart, his trust, and played horrible games with the love he gave me.

I know I'm very lucky he game me a second chance (actually he'd probably say it was a third). Extremely lucky that he waited for me to get my head on straight. Blessed that he's stayed beside with me in the years since as my protector, my best friend, my everything.
This summer we had the opportunity to really talk about that time of our life. There were mistakes Daddy made as well and it was a chance for us to be completely honest, to forgive, to let go. I spent a lot of time regretting, but Daddy spent even more time pointing out that although it would be nice to change things, changing one thing could risk changing everything. There are so many ways that relationship not only brought me to Daddy, but helped me to realize how lucky I was. And maybe if we hadn't made the mistakes we made, we wouldn't be here together today.

So to Daddy -- I know how much pain this date and everything it means has brought you. But it's still important to me. Not for the obvious reasons, but because twenty years ago today I made a choice that would ultimately lead me to you. This song's for you....Don't Deserve You - Plumb

10 comments:

  1. We all make mistakes and if we let it our past mistakes make us stronger

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  2. I"m just glad my daddy doesn't dwell on all the crazy stupid dumb things I've done in my life too. He still maintains the reason he let himself be close to me after staying platonic for 2 decades is cos he had to step in and save me from myself.

    have a meaningful anniversary :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Fondles,

      And Lol. I get that 'needing to be saved myself'' too well.

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  3. Aurora,

    Your song is sweet and I see the meaning behind it. However, the truth is you do deserve me. Like I've told you before...you deserve everything I give you...good and bad! ;)

    I wouldn't change a thing from your past or mine. Everything that happened has led us to the happiness that we share now. And yes...by changing just one thing from the past, it could easily have brought us down an entirely different path. I'm happy where we are, which makes me happy for where we have been.

    Love,
    Daddy

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Daddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      <3 you forever and ever,

      aurora

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  4. There's something very personal in this post that speaks deeply to me. I had a similar year - a year that ended badly. K and I have long since mutually agreed that the past should stay in the past, and we are walking together into the future - but I can't help but look back on that year with regret and a tinge of pain.

    *hug*

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    Replies
    1. Those bad years should make us stronger, but they still have a way of hurting sometimes. Thanks Mickey.

      hugs,
      aurora

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  5. Aurora,

    This is a wonderful, heartfelt reflective post. Thank you for sharing this with us. I love your Daddy's comment above :)

    Mistakes may have happened in the past, but they ultimately brought you together and led you to where you are now. That part indeed should be celebrated :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Roz,

      And yes I'm definitely trying to keep the focus on how it brought us here.

      hugs,

      aurora

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