Blogging Fears - Answer to Question from His Slut

So I’m going on the third day of no Daddy and I think everybody’s falling apart today. I’m functioning on very little sleep because it’s hard to sleep without him and my youngest had a huge meltdown this morning and my oldest has developed a bratty attitude and I’m feeling like the worst mom in the world. And I love my mom (I really do), but she’s driving me crazy.

Most of all I just really miss Daddy. He keeps me centered and balanced and calm and patient and safe. Right now I’m none of those things. I’m an emotional grumpy mess today. I really don’t know how those who do this long distance thing on a more regular or longer basis do it. You are far stronger than I am.

So to distract myself and hopefully improve my mood before I talk to Daddy today, I thought I’d answer another question.

This one comes from His slut: You state it's been hard to comment and blog. Are you afraid of Daddy reading it or afraid of the "judgement" that you feel would happen? 

Well to be honest, I’m actually afraid of both. When the topic of blogging came up, Daddy’s exact words were that, “I was going to do this right. No holding back.” I’ve been hiding my feelings all my life and it was really important to him that I not do that here. He wants me to ‘be real’ and not edit my words or opinions out of a fear of offending others. He set up the blog and holds all the ‘admin’ rights. The only thing I can do on here is post and comment because that’s all he wants me to worry about. Just writing what comes to mind.

It’s not always easy though because I do still have that nagging worry of judgment in the back of my head. And despite Daddy insisting on controlling the comments here, I don’t think it’s those who want to anonymously judge these relationships as ‘sick’ or ‘abusive’ that concern me. It’s the bloggers that I have been quietly following (such as yourself HS). The ones whose posts have inspired me and touched me. The ones whose opinions I have come to deeply respect. Because I value them so much, the idea of offending them or being judged by them scares the crap of me. Now I have to say that so far this has been an imaginary fear (believe me I have lots of crazy and imaginary fears). Everyone in blog land has been nothing but kind and accepting. But I won’t lie, although I think I’m getting better, the fear is still there.

And yes, I get afraid of Daddy reading it too. More than anybody else reading it because his opinion does matter the most. But my fear with him is not so much what I’m writing as how I’m writing it. I know some people start blogs as a way of communicating with their Dominant or as a way of working out their feelings or as a way to help others. But my blog isn’t one of those.The purpose of my blogging and commenting is a way for me to reach out and interact with others and also for me to learn to ‘let go’ and get over my fear of judgment. Because of that, there’s not really anything I post that Daddy doesn’t already know. He just wants to see me being myself in my posts and my comments.

Thanks for the great question HS! If anyone else has any more questions, feel free to ask. I could more distractions.

Early Answer to Geekie Kittie's Question

Geekie Kittie asked: Since you have entered into this D/s dynamic, what effect has it had on your relationship and what effect has it had on Aurora specifically (has it made her more self confident etc?) 

This dynamic has affected our relationship on so many different levels.  Being the guy that I am, I will start with the first one.  Sex.  We went from having "Saturday Sex" as I like to call it (Every other Saturday whether we needed it or not) to having the sex life that I have always dreamed of with Aurora.  There is passion and variety and spanking sticks and want and need and spanking sticks.

The second aspect that has improved is the closeness that we share.  I think this comes from the sex a little bit too, but more than that...the closeness comes from honesty in my opinion.  My number one rule is honesty.  Without honesty, this dynamic isn't possible.  In the Pre-TTWD days, Aurora would stretch or omit the truth.  She wasn't a liar, but she would omit things that she thought would make me mad.  Now, she tells me often times without me even having to ask.  This builds trust between us and also cuts down on drama.  In fact we took a couple of weeks last summer and were totally honest with each other about our past.  Those weeks bonded us more than anything in the 19+ years we have known each other.

And that all leads me to the third thing.  Drama.  I hate drama.  Despise it.  With this dynamic, there is little to no drama between us.  We know our roles and we stick to them.  We don't argue about who should clean the bathroom or silly things like that anymore.  I LOVE the lack of drama in this dynamic!

As for how this dynamic has changed Aurora...

Yes GK, you are right.  It has made her more self confident.  She still struggles with that at times, but there are many areas of her life that she is more self confident.

I think the biggest thing that I think of when I think about how this has changed Aurora is her overall happiness.  This dynamic has been inside Aurora for a long long time and I think just being able to bring it out and be herself, makes her extremely happy.  She doesn't have to feel shame with her feelings or fantasies, especially when it comes to talking to me.  She is submissive at heart and always has been.  Without knowing that her submissive side would lead to this, that is a part of her that I have always been extremely attracted to.  I'm glad that she had the courage to let that side free!

The other thing that sticks out for me is how she deals with difficult situations.  A difficult situation pre-TTWD would be cause for days if not weeks of drama...and we have already established what I think of the "D" word.  Now, many times she will tell me about it and move on within minutes.  And for the really difficult situations, it may affect her for longer...but it doesn't consume her life.

To sum it all up...I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything and I think Aurora would say the same.  We have an unbreakable bond now and while it may make things difficult at a time like this when I have to be away for business...that bond is our life.  One that nobody can take from us. Ever.

Separation Anxiety

Daddy’s leaving this weekend for a week-long business trip next week. Because he doesn’t want me to be alone, my mom is flying in from another state to spend the week with me and the kids. She’s coming tomorrow and since Daddy leaves very early on Sunday, this is really our last night alone together.

I don’t know what my problem is. We’ve been apart this long before and I was fine. Maybe it’s the past few months or the closeness of TTWD or I’m just super emotional, but I’m really having a hard time with this. I can’t concentrate on much of anything except to think that in less than 48 hours, he’ll be gone. I had nightmares last night. And my mom didn’t help much when she called to talk about how afraid she is to fly right now because of that missing plane.

Did I mention I’m not too fond of air travel? Actually terrified of it. And the one thing worse than me on a plane is Daddy on a plane without me. And since he has a connection, that means between leaving and coming back he’ll be on four of them. And then there’s the part where he won’t be coming home every night. Where I won’t get to fall asleep in his arms.

I have lots to keep me busy. I’m able to use the computer for more time now and questions to answer still and so many blog posts still to read (provided my mom doesn't get too nosy). I’m also gonna get to cook next week (which I love to do). I planned all the meals and I’m excited to make the kids favorites (because they’ve been missing them so much). And I’m really excited to make Daddy’s favorite meal on the day he gets back.

I also have my mom.  Daddy wants me to relax and enjoy my time with her. And he’s going to text me and call and maybe even send e-mails if he has time. He got me a stuffed animal that smells like him to cuddle with at night and I have some surprises for him too. He also told me to enjoy my freedom because since I'm recovering so well, when he gets back he’s cracking down on a few things…

But even with all of that to fill up my life and look forward to, I still can’t help wishing I could just go to sleep today and wake up a week from now. I know it’s just a week and I have friends who’ve survived so much longer. Months and even years.  So I should feel like a rotten person for even whining about this. But I’m not them. And today I just don’t have the strength.

Daddy, I’m really going to miss you.

Answer To DelFonte's Question

DelFonte at A Place of Fancies (can I just say how much I love that blog name) asked:

How has your dynamic survived over this difficult period, has it strengthened you two or been pushed to one side?

I can’t remember the last time I sat at his feet or got to give him a blow job. Sex is not too frequent and super bland vanilla. 

But we’re still very much D/s or M/s or DD/lg or whatever you want to call it.

He’s still making the decisions. From the doctor’s appointments to limits on what I can do to what time I go to bed at night, he still makes all the decisions.  

Not that it’s been easy.  I need the service aspect of TTWD because it makes me happy to please him and feeds my submissive side. I need the spanking because it clears my head of all my crazy overthinking and emotions. So without these things, letting go has been harder for me and I have been extremely emotional (I often tell Daddy it’s like a tornado of thoughts and worries building in my head and right now I’m at about an EF-4).  

This doesn’t make it easy on Daddy, who is stressed out as it is. And we’ve had some really tough moments. But he’s held onto the control (if only sometimes by a thread) and he’s managed to stay in charge. Because of all my restrictions, he’s had to get creative – taking away my phone (which has been my lifeline lately) has been a really popular threat these days.

Daddy tells me often to trust him. To trust that with the power I gave him, he’s going to protect me and take care of me and it’s all going to be okay. And he was right.

 I’ve been through this surgery before – many years ago before TTWD. The doctor asked me at my appointment this week if this surgery was better than the last time and I have to say that “Yes, I think it was.” I remember it as a more painful, lonely, and a much longer time to recover. This time was different.  I think that’s because every step of the way, Daddy had my hand and never let go.

Getting through this period has taught us lots of things. It’s taught me about patient and trust (I can’t say it was always a smooth lesson—but still a lesson). It’s taught Daddy to hang on tight to that control even when I’m fighting him on it. 

And yes it’s made us stronger by realizing we can get through it without giving up our roles. There was a rough time last fall when I asked him for a break because his new job was affecting his time for our dynamic. He said no and I ended up being really thankful that he did. I think I’m learning for us that the times that life gets in the way are the times we need this dynamic the most.

Thanks so much for the question DelFonte!

Our Biggest Hurdle - Answer to Question from Tomsrose

What was your biggest hurdle when you decided to change up the dynamic in your marriage?

I think it's a common one. Learning to let go of ‘what I thought it should be’ and submit to what Daddy wanted.

I started all of it in the bedroom, but to me it was all fun and games. I think I had sub-frenzy times a million because not only was I discovering my submissive side, I was discovering I actually enjoyed and wanted sex for the first time in my life. And I was beyond thrilled that I could finally give Daddy everything he’d ever wanted in our marriage.

When Daddy proposed it, I thought it would be easy. Daddy usually made a lot of the decisions outside of the bedroom throughout our marriage anyways so the only real change would be all that crazy sex we would be having. Ha Ha. How wrong I was.

I think it all overwhelmed Daddy at first. He was a new dom trying to find his confidence and deal with this over-eager wife of his and wanted to take things slow. And I got impatient and frustrated and attempted to control him into controlling me.

Things went downhill very fast. Daddy lost confidence and pulled away. I felt rejected and pulled away. I was so humiliated and embarrassed and just wanted to go back to how we were before all of this.

Daddy decided we needed to take a step back. He wanted some time to research, learn, understand, and find the confidence to do this right. The step back was good for me too it gave me time to calm down from all those ‘frenzied’ feelings’.

During our break, Daddy found a series of books he really liked. He said it helped him understand the ‘submissive mindset’ more. I’m not sure what they said exactly because I’ve never been allowed to read them, but they definitely must’ve helped because when Daddy finally decided we were ready things went very differently.

This time he made it very clear that he was in control and we were moving at his pace. He implemented rules and rituals (some I didn’t like too much). He also started giving me assignments. These initial assignments led to us sharing daily e-mails at least twice the size of this blog post. I used to think we had pretty good communication, but it was crazy—like a floodgate had opened or something.

When Daddy first proposed TTWD, I thought it meant he wanted sex all the time. That he wanted me to make breakfast and serve his coffee and let him make the decisions. It seemed so easy. But what he really wanted was me – all of me. He wanted in so he could pull out those parts of me I held back, so he could break down those walls I’ve built, so he could heal the broken parts.

Getting to that point wasn’t easy. The way we crashed and burned the first time trying to add the dynamic scared me. I had a lot of doubts and concerns as to whether Daddy really wanted this. But when we finally got there and I finally let go, it was worth it.

When Daddy and I first started dating, I liked him a lot. And eventually I loved him. He was there for me during a hard time, he spoke my love language, he made me laugh, and he got me in a way nobody ever did.  He’s been my best friend, a great father, and we’ve survived some pretty tough times.

But I’ve never felt the ‘butterflies’. Not with him, not with anybody. I thought they were some myth reserved for teenagers and romance novels. But when I finally learned to let go, I fell in love – like really, truly deeply in love -- for the first time in my life. I felt the butterflies.

Not to say we haven’t had hurdles since. Sometimes Daddy loses his confidence and sometimes I struggle to ‘let go’. When it happens at the same time, it’s like a perfect storm for us and usually results in some pretty big fights. We’ve stumbled and gotten a little lost at times. But ever since overcoming that first hurdle, I’ve had no doubt this is what we both need and that it’s worth fighting for.  

Thank you Tomsrose for the great question.

Learning to Just Be Myself and Some Answers

For the first 13 months of our TTWD relationship, the only person I ever actually talked about TTWD with was Daddy. Oh, I read lots of blogs here and lurked on a few forums, but I was way too scared and shy to ever leave a comment or 'interact' in any way.

But I loved reading. It made me feel so 'normal' to know so many others felt like I did. And I learned so much. I would often share my favorite posts with Daddy -- the ones that said exactly what I'd been feeling far better than I could, the ones that made me laugh, the ones that made me cry, the ones that helped us through some of the bumps in the road. I would even throw out bloggers names like they were friends. I would tell Daddy all the time something like, 'Tori, lil, roz, mouse, greengirl, etc. said this today'.

I think I finally annoyed Daddy enough with my one-way imaginary friendships though, because not long after hitting our one year TTWD anniversary, he gave me the assignment to comment on one of those blog posts that touched me. This had to be one of the hardest assignment he's ever given me. I think I even tried to make it into a hard limit. He just responded by giving me a deadline.

So there I was with this assignment and deadline, and I remember one day mentally preparing myself. The next blog post that 'spoke' to me, I'd comment. That wouldn't be too hard since so many of them 'spoke' to me. Unfortunately though, I think all of blog land decided to go on vacation that week because there was nothing. Literally nothing.

But on another forum I sometimes lurked on, there was a post somebody made whose story reminded me so much of ours. Daddy said it could count as my comment so I responded. I was so nervous. What if I said something wrong or offended her or came off as too know-it-all or...?

I know I worry way too much about what others think. Daddy doesn't like it because he believes that I'm being 'fake' and it keeps me from being the 'real me'. I don't like it because it paralyzes me and sometimes even answering a text or calling to make a doctor's appointment can seem impossible.

Being here in blog land (where I'm required to not over think and just be honest) is changing that.
I do still get squeamish when I leave comments and publish posts and hit send on an e-mail. And I love far more blog posts than I get the courage to comment on. But it's getting easier. And changing me -- in all areas of my life.

Earlier this winter before the health problems, there were a lot of things shifting career-wise. It was scary and hard and heart-breaking. And then came the health issues and endless weeks of nothing for me to do but think. Daddy and I spent a lot of time talking and charting a 'new course' of embracing my strengths and interests, instead of chasing the trends or playing the 'popularity game'.

As I'm getting better and able to start putting some of that plan into action, I'm finding so much hope again. And I'm enjoying this part of my life more than I have in a long, long time. The sun is shining, the snow is melting, and it's so freeing to let go and as Daddy always says, 'just be myself.'

So thank you Daddy and blog land, and thank you Tomsrose, who was the writer of the post I first responded too. Not only did I not offend her, but she reached out through private messages too and became my first 'TTWD friend'. Daddy and I were on vacation at the time so we didn't get to talk much, but it was enough to give me the courage to start blogging when we returned last September.  

And thank you too for the questions. I've answered two of them. I'll do the third in another post since this is getting long and I really want to go read some blogs today (I have so much to catch up on).


What is your favorite movie?

I'm not good at picking favorites -- I'm very indecisive about so many things. I think that's why I need a Dom. Seriously. But here are some of my favorites....

The Lion King (I love most Disney movies but Daddy and I saw this on our second date exactly three years before our first child was born so it's the favorite), Steel Magnolias, Titanic (well until one of Daddy's friends ruined it for me), Finding Nemo, Inception (because it drives Daddy crazy that I loved it so much), and Catching Fire (better than the book and I rarely think that)

And Somewhere In Time...ooh I think this could be my ultimate favorite because it has everything I love -- time travel, gorgeous music, beautiful location, star-crossed lovers, and Superman.

Okay, I just realized my movies either have to be animated or have tragic endings.


What is the craziest place that you and your daddy have gotten down to business?

Well this answer is going to be very boring(and probably stay boring). Daddy's not a very public person and I'm rather shy, and neither of us are exhibitionists or get turned on by the idea of being watched or caught. So it's only been behind locked doors at home or in hotels and occasionally in a car parked in a very secluded location. So I guess we're do-crazy-things in non-crazy-locations people. Lol. Although it's one of my more tame and romantic fantasies to do it outside at night underneath the stars.

Thanks again for the questions!

Lucky

I guess I could say this winter has been unlucky. The weather (as many probably agree) has been awful and gone on forever. And then there's this surgery I had to have last month for the third time. It was a sucky surgery that if I describe too much tends to make people a little squeamish. It takes up to a year to fully heal. Daddy says he's not sure he could go through it. Even the doctor has apologized several times that I had to go through it again.

I could keep whining about how much it hurt and how there was little I could do to ease the pain. How even now I still have more bad days than good and there's still a lot I can't do. I could complain about all the restrictions that the evil doctor has placed on me. No strenuous activities. No spanking (well not doctor's exact words but 'bending over' is considered a no-no). And only 'very gentle sexual activity' is permitted.

I could keep hurting over the friend who betrayed me before this all began. The one I once considered super close. The one I saw through so many of her own ordeals who can't even take the time to do something small like a Facebook 'like' that the surgery went well.

I could keep going on here (and trust me I have). Daddy says I'm due for one very big spanking very soon.

But the truth is I'm very lucky. I'm beyond blessed that they could do this surgery again. That it was truly a gift I'll never be able to repay. That what's wrong can be fixed and is healing nicely. I'm happy to be past the worst of the pain. That even though there are bad days, the good hours and good days are steadily increasing and I now can do more than I could before the surgery.

I've been lucky that despite the weather outside, I didn't see much of it this winter. For all I knew, it could've been 80 degrees and sunny (and I tried to imagine it was). And now that I'm getting better, the forecast is looking good.

I'm also very grateful for the many wonderful people who did so many wonderful things over the past few months. Bringing food, baking birthday cakes, calling, sending cards, texting...  Even here in blogland where nobody even knows my name, there have been so many kind comments and e-mails and from the bottom of my heart. Thank You! I can't even begin to express how much they've meant.

Most of all I feel lucky to have Daddy. Between big projects at work and keeping it together at home and taking care of me, he's been doing it all over the past two months. I know how extremely tired he's been. But every night he comes home, opens up his arms and holds me. He reminds me I'm not alone. That he's got me.

Once again, he's walked me through a storm and for that I'm very very lucky.

I heard March is Q&A month and even though these days I don't feel very interesting, reading everyone's answers today is making me feel a little like a voyeur. So if you have any questions for either Phillip or I, ask away.