Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Feeling A 'Little' Lost
When we started TTWD in 2012, it was as Master/slave dynamic. Daddy was called 'Sir' for the most part and my mind/headspace was constantly on pleasing him.
There was an exquisite joy in making his breakfast, doing his laundry, sucking his cock. I loved loved loved sitting at his feet. Our rituals held more significance -- I feel like I was striving harder and more focused on him. This slave part of me existed just for him.
Then this summer came and we delved into some really deep stuff. Dark and dirty secrets I'd withheld for so long came out. And the more they came out and the more Daddy accepted and loved me, the more my trust in him grew until he drew out this vulnerable 'little girl' side of me. Suddenly things were shifting -- I needed him to tuck me in at night. My happy place moved from the floor to curled up on his chest.
Daddy told me in September he thought I had a 'little' side. I freaked out. I realized DD/lg relationships aren't very well understood and are judged even in the kink community. It scares me to think of myself like this - I mean I'm in my late thirties.
Daddy has been encouraging me to explore this side though. He thinks it's always been there since way back in the beginning of our dating years. He says there's always been this innocent playful side to me that he's had this overwhelming need to protect since the day he met me (which is why he's held on through all the crap I put him through).
So we've been exploring it, and it's been both freeing and healing. I know it's a hard dynamic to understand and even harder to explain. For us, it's not an age-play, run around in pig-tails and short skirts and diapers thing. It's not a pedophile thing either -- I am still very much an adult. It's mostly about this safe place he's given me that allows me to be myself -- vulnerabilities and all.
The problem lately though is I feel like the 'little side' is taking over. She requires a lot more 'care' I think than the 'slave' side of me, and I don't like feeling like I'm high maintenance all the time. And although this part of me loves to make Daddy happy, it doesn't enjoy the 'service' side of things as much as that 'slave side'.
Daddy is very much a Daddy Dom. Even before I called him 'Daddy' he nurtured more than demanded. He says he identifies more as a Daddy Dom. So I know this is what he wants. And I'm very happy in the safety and comfort being his 'little girl' brings.
Daddy also still says I'm his 'slave'. I still do a lot of things for him on a daily basis. But to be honest lately I'd rather be cuddling than pleasing him. I'd rather be in his arms than on the floor. My pain tolerance has dropped. Even on this blog it shows -- I know my posts sound like an ten-year-old girl, but I know that's because that 'little' part just leaks out when I write about us.
I'm afraid I lost that 'slave headspace'. And I really, really miss her.
We've been talking about this lately-- he wants me to think about what and why I'm feeling like this. And any possible ideas that I think would help me.
I don't know...I keep running through new rituals or different names that might help. Then I stop and wonder if I'm really missing those 'slave' feelings or just insecure about the 'little girl' part of me. Then I realize that yeah, I do miss it very much. But if Daddy's right and this part has always been there then it was there when I was in that 'slave mindset' last year. So I bang my head against the wall and wonder why can't I get those feelings back? Ouch, that hurts.
I'm always his submissive, that hasn't changed. He leads, I follow. But why can't I seem to do it as both his 'little girl' and his 'slave'?