Afraid

Lately I've been afraid. But I'm not really sure of what.

Maybe it's all the depressing and scary news or that my girls are growing up so fast and I worry constantly about what the future holds for them. Or maybe it's all this health stuff that has made me feel so much older this year and that late at night I can't stop thinking about how the years are flying and how old everybody is getting and how much time do I really have left with them.

And with Daddy...I'm afraid of our dynamic shifting just as much as I'm afraid of it non shifting. One minute I'm all in...I want or rather need to be submissive more than anything in the world. And in the next minute I'm fighting. I get anxious or impatient or bratty or turn into this crazy overemotional wreck. I curl up inside myself and want to hide somewhere where I can go unnoticed. Where nobody will judge me or hurt me or even notice me.

It's hard to hide from Daddy though...he always notices. And he wants to know why I can't let go. What am I so afraid of?

Him? I don't think so. He's never given me a reason to really not trust him. Sure he makes mistakes. Sure he lets me down from time to time, but nobody is perfect. Not him. Certainly not me. And it's one of those things that when I really need him...he's always there. When he's made promises, he does everything possible to see them through. I've known him for over half my life and I know how honest he is, how important integrity is to him, how he demands the truth from all of us in our family (especially himself). And when I did let go last time, I found more happiness and strength than I've ever know. For the first time in my life, I really truly found me. So there's no reason not to trust him. No reason to be afraid. So why am I?

I don't know. At first I was thinking maybe it was because of something that happened late last year. This dynamic changed me. It forced me to stop hiding behind the walls I'd spent a lifetime building and really be myself. Some people in my life I considered friends and trusted so much didn't quite like the 'new, real me'. And my trust was betrayed and it hurt a lot. So maybe that's it...maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt like that again.

But I'm not so sure. Because deep down I was relieved when I lost those so-called friends. They put a lot of expectations on me and there was a freedom in getting out from beneath the weight of them. And letting go and embracing myself started to bring the right kind of friends into my life anyways so why wouldn't I want to be that.

So maybe it's something else. Maybe it was because when the health woes began last winter, Daddy's 'pushy' side disappeared. There's two sides to him--the soft, gentle side that is always reaching for my hand when we walk through parking lots and tucks me in every night and who makes me feel like their is no safer place in the world then curled up to him with my head on his chest. Then there's the other darker crueler side of him. That's the side of him that gets deep inside my head so he can push me and manipulate me to be exactly what he thinks I should be. That's his 'pushy' side. And when it went away last winter, suddenly that space he took up in my head and kept so perfectly organized fell into shambles.

I tried, I think, to push myself. During the long, boring days before and after my surgery and into the next illness, I tried. I'd give myself little goals that I'd never tell him about. He was too busy--with work and taking care of me. I suck at pushing myself though and eventually I quit trying. And then my brain just turned into this big overthinking mess again and I started building back up some of those walls that Daddy once pushed me through. I think Daddy knew I was doing this, but it didn't matter because it was always temporary to him. Once he felt like I could physically handle it, he would just push me back through those walls again.

So I should let go and trust he'll fix it when it's time. Right? But what if he does that and all the crappy health woes come back and he has to back off again and my brain gets messy again and I start building those stupid walls and...maybe I'm afraid of going backwards again?

Or maybe I'm afraid of facing those walls again. Of getting pushed through them. It hurt last time, I imagine it'll hurt this time. But it hurt more to stay hiding behind them...didn't it? Maybe it's this tiny little voice in my head that keeps telling me to shut up and go back to my corner and not bother anyone with any of this...especially Daddy. It tells me I'm way too much work and I'm better off just burying my head in the sand and hiding.

But I know that voice is wrong. Daddy would never let me hide--not now. Whether I let go of these fears I'm clinging so tightly on today or fight him on for the months or years to come, the outcome will be the same. Daddy will dig that vulnerable part back out of me and break down those walls and silence that voice. So why am I so afraid?

Maybe I think too much or not enough or maybe my brain is just way too messy to make any sense of this at the moment. I just know that these days as Daddy tightens the reigns again, there is a war going off in my head.

Writing Again

Summer is usually my favorite season. I love the warmth, the long days, the sounds of kids playing outside and lawnmowers and crickets at night. I love going outside without a coat or shoes and Daddy grilling out and the green grass and the endless blue sky. I even love having my girls at home everyday (although they do tend to get a little cranky by the end of August).

This summer kind of sucked though. Thanks to my meds I have to stay out of the sun and I feel nauseous and tired all the time. It's reminding me of my pregnancies (I had really bad morning sickness). I have no appetite, smells drive me crazy, and just plain feel crappy all the time. On the bright side though, the meds are working and this stupid disease is in remission. I even had to recently lower the dose because it was affecting my liver and it still seems to be in remission plus the lower meds mean less symptoms so I know all the crappiness has been and still is worth it.

But I really didn't start this post to whine about my health yet again. What I really just want to do is force myself to write. Writing has always been helpful for me -- to process my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I'm not even really sure what I'm thinking or feeling until after I write it down. Writing (and sharing it over the past few years) has given me courage to be myself. To stop worrying about what anyone else thinks and let go of those timid and shy parts of myself.

Daddy and I used to talk a lot via e-mail...at one point nearly every day. I blogged here and elsewhere. And I was writing fiction nearly every day. But then all the medical stuff came and I just stopped. Blogging, commenting, e-mailing, even sending text messages. Suddenly I feel myself slipping back into that timid shy person who wants to hide from everybody...even Daddy and I really don't want to go back there.

 Daddy's been pushing me...starting to enforce some of the old rules and tasks he's put on hold over the last several months. We've played a little -- nothing super intense (he says this is gonna be slow and cautious), but just enough to make me feel that place again. That place where I want to be open to him, where I want to be his. That place that feels so right.

So please forgive me if I start to ramble again on here. I'm just trying to work on getting those pesky thoughts and feelings out and get some of that courage back. Thanks so much for the comments you've left on my last post. I'm sorry to be so rude and terrible to not answer them for so long (it's this darn introverted shy fear thing I got going on), but really thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words meant a lot and I can't wait to get reading and catch up on everybody's blogs.

Role Switch Part Two

The last time I wrote about Aurora and I switching roles, it was a bit different.  I know many of you got a good laugh out of it and that is okay.  We still laugh about that experience too.  In fact, we were just talking about it today.  This time though, the role reversal wasn't voluntary.

As Aurora said earlier, I was recently diagnosed with diabetes.  Up until that day, I had one focus...to make sure Aurora gets healthy.  Suddenly, I found myself with the need to get healthy.  I found myself reeling from the news.  I found myself dealing with anger, worry, denial and various other emotions.  And Aurora found herself not being the center of my attention and worrying about me instead of the other way around.  She wasn't comfortable in this role at all and I don't blame her.  Just as our experience with the spanking stick months back, there is a reason that she is the submissive in this relationship. She doesn't like or want control.  She doesn't want worries.  That is why she gives that all over to me and I love taking care of it. I am very lucky and very grateful that Aurora has been so supportive of me through this, but it's time for me to take back my role.

As time moves on and I settle into a routine with this whole diabetes thing, our roles are slowly returning to normal.  Sure, I still have to take care of myself but I have dealt with the emotions and the lifestyle change.  Now I am ready to care for Aurora how I know best.  I want to take care of us both. I want her to be able to relax and not worry so much about my health and instead, focus on her healing by staying calm and stress free.

I am happy to report that my diabetes is getting under control and Aurora's health issues are slowly improving as well.  We have a long journey ahead of us with all of this, but I can see some light.  We will be back to our usual selves soon. We will be healthier than before and able to enjoy this lifestyle even more.  Speaking for myself, this was my wake-up call.  It is my time to take control of my health so that I can be around a long time for my Aurora.  I look so forward to the future of us! 

Although this role switch was much less painful for me, this is definitely something that I want to avoid in the future!

For Better or Worse

I’m sorry that it’s been so long I’ve posted here. I can’t believe that we’re halfway through summer and that July is nearly over.

I wish I had lots of amazing things to write about, but there’s not a lot to say, and I really don't want to go on and on here about all the health stuff. I saw a doctor last month, started a new medication, and then started another new medication after the first one didn’t go so well. My fibro is in overdrive – my doctor thinks it will get better once the disease goes into remission but it will take a few months for the meds to kick in. Unfortunately for now this means I’m very tired, achey, and forgetful these days.

This month brought some new challenges. Phillip was recently diagnosed with diabetes. He knew it was coming – it’s rampant in the men in his family. His father, grandfathers, uncles. He just hoped that not being overweight and drinking excessively would help keep it at bay for another decade or two. Unfortunately it didn’t and the past few weeks have been overwhelming trying to learn everything about it and get his sugars back in control.

Phillip, who is a bit of a control freak, has been doing absolutely amazing at monitoring his blood sugars and diet and medication to bring it back to normal. It’s me that’s been the overwhelmed mess. I feel like I should do more. New foods…better recipes…whatever it takes to make this easier for him. To make him happy. But there’s just so much and I feel like it’s a struggle to keep up—especially on days where either the meds or the fibro are kicking my butt. Phillip keeps telling me to stop putting all this pressure on myself, but I guess I’m not very good at submitting these days because I still end up worrying that I’m completely failing him.

Thanks to all the health crap this year, there’s been a huge deficit in the kink in our lives. And lately there hasn’t even been much sex. There’s a gazillion medical explanations as to why and I know it’s only temporary, but I’m often I’m afraid I will lose interest and slip back into that frigid girl I was before we began TTWD. Phillip says he won't let that happen, but once again I'm not very good at listening these days.

But despite feeling like crap and worrying way too much, I do have a few things to be grateful for. It was two years ago this month that we began this TTWD journey and it was fifteen years ago last week, that Phillip and I stood in front of our friends and family and committed our lives to each other.  

So to Phillip…Happy Anniversary! I know we started out young and with a baby and all the odds against us, but I can honestly say that here I am a decade and a half later more in love with you than I have ever been. Thanks for being an amazing husband, best friend, and the love of my life…and, of course, my Daddy. Thanks for keeping your promises and always being there and never giving up on me. Love you always and looking forward to brighter healthier days!

Baby Steps

First of all, an update on Aurora.  She is hanging in there.  I would say that her health is no worse than it was a month ago.  In some ways she is healthier.  I'm not sure what the future holds as far as medication goes, but I'm grateful that she isn't getting worse. She has an appointment with a specialist in a couple of weeks, so we hope to find out more soon.

As far as our dynamic goes...things have been in sort of a holding pattern.  This past weekend, however, Aurora asked me if we could take things deeper on the mental side of things.  She craves the control and while the physical side needs to be limited because of her health condition at the moment, she really wants to work on the mental side.

After some thinking about this, I have decided to slowly go deeper mentally.  I will confess that I had and still have some reservations about it.  I have seen that what we are doing now is working.  Her condition is not getting worse and I'm a firm believer in the saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".  However, in a way it is broken.  Aurora isn't getting what she needs right now and either am I.  So, while her physical health will always be my number one priority...it is worth exploring if we can grow mentally without affecting her condition.

I am going to go slow with this.  I know that will frustrate Aurora a little bit, as patience has never been her strength...but I have a couple of reasons for the slow pace.  First of all, I want to make sure that whatever we do, it doesn't affect her health.  And secondly, this is going to be a long road.  I want to be have Aurora feel like we are not standing still.  I feel like if I gave her a bunch of rules and rituals right away, she will soon feel like things are standing still again.  It's important for us to feel that connection and feel that we are growing together. 

I have no doubt that we will beat this nasty disease and that we will get back to where we used to be, both physically and mentally.  Baby steps and patience are going to be essential.

Disappearing

I’ve been trying to write something for a while now, but I’m really not sure what to write about. Or if I should even post at all. Or even blog anymore.

I have been reading here in blogland sometimes too—or rather lurking. I know it sounds silly, but commenting, like blogging, has always stressed me out a little. I get so insecure about it and agonize over every little word and worry about saying the wrong thing or offending somebody or my words not coming out right. It was getting easier, but now that I’ve been quiet so long it feels impossibly hard to comment again. And Phillip, who knows very well how much I overthink all this, would rather I just stay quiet and not stress about these things. But I do want to say I miss and care about you all.

Healthwise I’m hanging in there and getting by with just painkillers and topical stuff. None of the truly icky meds yet…although the odds are high I’ll need something, but the plan is to hold out until I get to see the specialist sometime next month. So many doctors know so little about this disease and we’d rather wait for somebody with experience in treating it. The physical symptoms are more of an annoyance than a serious threat at the moment, but because of the risk of things going ‘bad fast’, sex, spanking, and pretty much anything fun is off the table.

So these days, my focus is supposed to be following my new caffeine-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, preservative-free, oh-this-sucks-so-bad diet and learning to deal better with stress. It’s crazy how stress affects how much the physical symptoms flare or not – Phillip can tell if I’ve been stressing because it’s written all over my body now. I’ve never been very good at dealing with stress until we started this dynamic and I found such peace and release in the physical parts – especially spanking. But now that it’s off the table, we have to find other things like yoga and meditation. I think I’m flunking meditiation (it’s so hard to turn off my thoughts). But I’ve taken up drawing and knitting and those have been helping enormously.

Phillip has been wonderful. He’s taken amazing care of me and I know I am beyond blessed to have him. To be loved like this. And he’s still very much the Dominant around here and tells me what to do. And I do that….which I guess still makes me very much his submissive. But I really don’t feel like one anymore. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the lack of sex. Or the lack of spanking. Or the lack of him letting me do much for him anymore. Or maybe it’s that I can see the stress and tiredness in his eyes and I know I put it there.  I don’t know. I just know I feel like the parts of me that were Aurora are slowly disappearing and all that’s left are the empty holes where she once existed.

Phillip says not to worry and that he’ll get her back. We’ll get this back. He won’t forget. And when this is all over, he’s taking me away somewhere (and that Daddy-side of his is NOT invited). And I believe that and really look forward to that day. But the reality is that could be years from now.

So until then I'm just hanging on and hoping I don't completely disappear.

It's Been Awhile

I know that it has been awhile since Aurora or I have written anything here.  I just wanted to check in with all of our awesome followers and let you know that Aurora is doing alright.  This new health concern has been tough on her, but her spirits are getting better.  She is getting some fight in her and developing a much better attitude towards the fight we have ahead of us. 

Because of the nasty side effects of the proposed drugs used in treatment for this disease and the fact that her case is fairly mild, we are waiting a little bit before proceeding with the conventional treatment.  I have noticed that stress is a major trigger for worsening symptoms, so my goal right now is to have Aurora avoid as much stress as possible and we are also working on techniques to deal with stress efficiently when it does arise.  In addition to that, I am changing her diet drastically and we have found some more natural "remedies" to try.  I'm not a huge believer in natural or herbal remedies, but after taking some time to think about it, it became obvious that it is worth a try.  At worst, she will be healthier when she has to take those nasty drugs.  At best, she never has to take them. 

I know one thing that bothers her right now is that this disease has taken a real toll on sex.  She misses it.  I miss it.  However, I am in major "Daddy mode" right now.  I want to do everything I can to make her better.  And having been through health issues with her before, I know I'll get my satisfaction eventually.  When Aurora is sick, my satisfaction comes when she is all better and I can look back at our journey with pride knowing that we successfully battled through it.  That alone brings us so much closer together.  That is true satisfaction!

Again, thank you all for keeping Aurora in your thoughts!