Daddy Lends a Hand

This is Aurora.  Daddy is writing, but I am dictating because I'm physically unable to read or write at the moment.  Daddy says that statement sounds like I'm drunk right now, but I swear that is not it!  This past weekend, we had hoped to spend playing with whips and chains and other fun things, but instead it was spent at the ER finding out that a health condition that I thought was over years ago...has returned.  So, I didn't get to post like I had hoped today, but since this was important to me, Daddy is doing it for me.

Nineteen years ago today, I met Daddy.  It was a Friday - Friday the 13th, but it turned out to be a very lucky one for me.  I was living at home, taking college classes at the time when a friend of mine introduced me to the online world (This was back when pagers where the new cool thing and nobody had a cell phone).  I started talking to people through a web service and made a post that Friday looking for people in my area.  Daddy was one of the only ones to email me that didn't sound like a creep (little did she know).  I started emailing him back.  A few days later we talked on the phone.  A few weeks later, we met in person.  And the rest is history.

This past weekend when everything was happening, my Mom commented to me that God surely gave Daddy (she didn't say Daddy) to me because he is so good at taking care of me during the harder times.  I don't know whether it was God or just some really good luck that Friday, 19 years ago.  But despite being in pain and feeling angry and frustrated, I also feel very blessed. 

Daddy walked me through this many years ago when we were younger, more immature (she was) and less in love than we are now.  I have no doubt that he will have my hand every step of the way again.  So, thank you Daddy (you're welcome) for the best 19 years of my life and all of the silly comments that you are making right now that I can't read. 

I don't know when I will be back to blog or how often I will get to read in the coming days and weeks, but I hope to do my best.  The End. (I don't think she wanted that in there, but she said it so what the hell?).

Thank you for everyone's comments on Friday.  I am sorry that I cannot answer them!

Don't Wipe Your Feet On Me

Before I was Aurora, I was a doormat. I hated conflict and drama and figured the best way to avoid it all was to do whatever I could to keep everybody happy.

Honestly with most people, this wasn't too hard. Most people are pretty reasonable. Treat them kindly and they treat you kindly. The problem for me was the few who weren't like that. The ones that were hard to please. The ones with high expectations that kept shifting with no warning.

For some crazy reason, these were the people I always tried the hardest with. Bending, twisting, squeezing...always trying to fit into what they wanted me to be. Even if it meant less time and energy for more important people in my life like my family. Even if it meant giving up myself, my feelings, my needs. I would do anything for these people. Because when I said I wanted to please everybody, I meant everybody.

In all honesty, I wasn't an unhappy person living this way. I don't get angry or irritated easily (unless it's something that hurts my kids) and what better way to stay conflict-free than to be everybody's doormat. The only thing is that when you're a doormat you don't move, you don't grow, you don't go anywhere. You just exist for everybody else.

Submitting to Daddy has meant I can no longer be that doormat. I'm learning to be honest with him about everything. My thoughts, feelings, fears, needs. Everything. That's meant acknowledging me. There is somebody inside of me, a very real somebody. Not just some chameleon taking on the personality that fits who she is around.

I thought this D/s thing was supposed to be about Him, but somedays it feels as if it's me at the center of it all. Piece by piece Daddy's digging up the real parts of Aurora and molding her into who he wants her to be. Who she should be. And she is not a doormat. She's strong. She has courage. She has a voice. She's not as worried about what others think -- it's only Daddy's opinion that matters.

Last month I wrote a post about how Aurora has been hiding in my real life, but not long after that post I found out she wasn't hiding as well as I thought. Parts of her have been bleeding into all areas of my life and people have noticed. For some, it's been a good thing. For others...well not so much.

My priorities have been rearranged over the last year. And while I'd still drop everything in a heartbeat for a friend in need, I've been putting Daddy, our girls, and my career first. Unfortunately that's meant having to say 'no' to things I've never said 'no' to before. It's meant not meeting somebody's expectations. It's been making some people in my life a little unhappy.

Last month I found myself in a situation I thought only happened in high school. I was betrayed by somebody I'd been really close to. Somebody I really trusted. It's a situation where under Daddy's guidance, I've had to let go and walk away from.

I feel split apart. On one side, I'm hurting so much. I have so many questions and no answers. I keep rewinding everything...trying to figure out where I went wrong. I want to lash out, I want to scream, I want to cry. I just want to desperately understand.

On the other side, I'm relieved. There's this unexplainable freedom. Maybe deep down, I must've known I wasn't keeping them happy and the guilt was weighing on me. Areas of my life that felt blocked a month ago are suddenly wide open, and I've been more productive in the past few weeks than I probably was for most of 2013.

I'm still wrestling with these two sides. But with Daddy's help, the Aurora side is hopefully definitely winning. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to let it leak into the other areas of my life. To embrace me in every way I can. Even if it hurts sometimes. Even if it means letting go.

A (Brief) View From The Bottom

As Aurora had mentioned the other day, on the second to last day of 2013, I offered her a chance to be the dominant for a couple of days. We are in the roles that we are for a reason.  That is where we are comfortable.  However, I thought that perhaps it would be good for the both of us to see it from the other side. It took about 20 hours for her to beg me to take the power back.  It didn't feel right for her.  She hated being in control.  The truth is...no begging was necessary.

I give credit to any person...male or female...that can give complete submission.  It is a gift.  A gift that I, as a dominant, cannot completely wrap my head around.  First of all, I am just not wired to submit.  I need to be in control of myself and Aurora.  I am happiest and most comfortable that way.  In turn, Aurora is not wired to be dominant.  She is happiest when decisions are made for her and when I have the control.  We are made for each other.

So, when I handed Aurora control, what do you think she went to first?  Yep. My spanking stick.  My spanking stick is literally a wand from a set of  mini blinds.  It is quiet and that is part of the reason I like it so much being that we have kids in the house.  At any rate, I played along (not sure if you would call it submitting).  I laid on my belly, bare bottomed and let her give it a try.  She tapped me lightly and giggled.  This was going to be easy.  She didn't have it in her to spank me hard, like I do to her. 

Just as I relaxed, thinking about how she was going to be handing back the power any minute, apparently she decided that this was her one and only chance...and...WHACK, WHACK, WHACK!  Holy fuck!  I rolled over to let the stinging subside. Yes, I know...bad submissive.  When I rolled back over onto my stomach, she really got into it, giving me several whacks with the stick.  I flinched away and rolled onto my back and told her in my best submissive tone that she will never touch me with that stick again.  I was caught in between thinking how much I hated that feeling and thinking about how damn effective it must be on her and looking forward to my next chance to spank her with it.  I decided that I belong on the swinging end of the spanking stick from now on.  I am happier. She is happier. I think the stick is even happier that way. If I were the stick, I would prefer touching her ass than mine any day.

I realize that this story makes me look like a gigantic wuss.  And maybe I am.  What I did realize though is that one truly needs to be submissive to take that kind of pain.  Once in the mindset of serving and enduring, it is amazing what a submissive can withstand.  It makes me proud of Aurora and shows me how much she loves her role.  You have to love it in order to put up with that stick! 

Back In The Swing of Things

Daddy and I have been pretty vanilla the past few weeks. Holidays, family, out-of-towners...there just hasn't been a lot of D/s time at all. And once all that was over, it seems like we've both just been pretty exhausted and trying to get back to 'our normal'.

But January's here and it means back to school, back to work, and according to Daddy back to the rules (he's even made some new ones).

I've been trying to catch up on reading all the blogs and get back to blogging. But for now, some really random moments from our vanilla holiday.



- After the guests left, Daddy let me top him for about a day. It was sort of a fun last-minute-before-the-year-ended thing didn't last long though before I happily handed him back the power. I'm not good at it all. I imagine a good dominant does not giggle while giving orders the way I do. 

- Daddy and I had a secret funny moment when my mom shared an image she saw on Facebook that Daddy and I had both reblogged on our naughty tumblrs the week before. If only she knew...

-There was a moment I nearly gave us away when at a family dinner the question was asked by my dad, "name one relationship where the woman is not in charge"

- I did get some last orgasms in 2014. Eight of them...and they were awesome. I had an emotional week the last week before Christmas and Daddy thought I needed them. Who was I to argue...lol.

-Fortunately or unfortunately, however, still orgasmless in 2014.

The Journey So Far

Seems like every December as the year draws to a close and a new one begins, I find myself thinking about where I was a year ago and where I hope to be a year from now.

Since we began this TTWD journey in 2012, 2013 was the first full year of Daddy and I living out this new dynamic. It's been a year of changing, of growing, of two steps forward (and sometimes three steps back).

It's also been a year of learning...lots and lots of learning.

A year ago this December I was very new at this (still am very new at this). I was still in the throes of frenzy, and I had a picture in my head of how life with TTWD should be for Daddy and I. At the time, TTWD to me was a destination. And I was in a HUGE hurry to get there.

It was like we set the GPS for '24/7 Power Exchange', Daddy climbed in the driver's seat and we set out on our way.

Somewhere on the road though either the GPS died, or Daddy tossed out it the window. Suddenly there was no 'destination', just the road we were on. Daddy was still driving, selecting the route, choosing when and where we took a 'rest stop', but there was no little clock, ticking down the hours and the miles left until we were 'there'. There was no 'there'. Just an endless road stretching before us full of new places and experiences we've never known.

Sometimes he's gone fast -- ready to see places further down the road. Sometimes he's taken us slow so we can enjoy the scenery. Sometimes we've stopped for a while in sleepy, peaceful towns where we can catch our breath. Sometimes we've lost our breath experiencing once-in-a-lifetime views from huge mountaintops or deep valleys. Sometimes we've gotten a flat tire or ran out of gas or found ourselves crashing and burning. And it's been up to Daddy to pull us out of the muck and the wreckage...to lead us back to that road again.

Sometimes I've gotten scared. I want to slow down or go faster or there's storm clouds up ahead. Sometimes I've wanted to climb out of the car. It's then that Daddy reaches across the seat and squeezes my hand.

Trust me, he'll say. I've got you.

Right now, Daddy and I have been stopped for a little while. Hanging out in a rather quiet, ordinary place. Tomorrow our house will be flooded with out-of-towners for the holiday, so going anywhere anytime soon is out of the question.

But we're not standing still. Daddy's been slowly gathering up new supplies, fueling up the car, setting a new course. Soon the guests will roll out and the new year will roll in, and we'll be back on the road again.

To Where? Who knows?...who really cares?

Because if I've learned anything over the past year it's that TTWD is the journey we take, not the destination. And I'm really looking forward to discovering where 2014 takes us.

This is my last post of 2013, so from Daddy and I if you're reading this, we wish you the happiest of holidays and best wishes for the new year!!!

I Am Aurora

I've been part of a writing group for a few years now. It's made up of a great, wonderful group of women from all over the world. They're sweet, supportive, and know how to make each other laugh when those rejections and bad reviews roll in. My critique partners all come from this group. We've shared not only our writing over the years, but friendship through texts, phone calls, little gifts through the mail, and even the occasional real-life meet up.

They're really great. Don't get me wrong.

But they're also super competitive. They'll have your back today and gladly stab you in it tomorrow. They thrive on the drama -- hey, we're writers after all. There's cliques within the group and a hierachy very reminiscent of my high school days. Your worth in the group is measured by your success.

It's exhausting to deal with it all sometimes. I know I'm repeating myself, but I am an introvert. As a little girl, the lure of being a full-time novelist to me was not having to deal with people. To hole up in my room with the characters in my head all day seemed like the perfect life. But that was before the internet. Before social media. Today being online and interacting with readers and fellow writers is part of the gig.

The pressure is crazy. Everything moves so fast. The girl being secretly trashed yesterday might just get that big deal or award today and everybody will be scrambling to suck up to her. Drama is always blowing up every other day it seems, and I think there is a fear that if you aren't around and available and part of everything, that it will be you who will become the latest 'gossip subject'. That if you disappear, your 'standing' in the group will slip.

To be honest, I hate the drama and I'm a horrible competitor. Sometimes I wish I was better at it...I really do. Because the better you can play the game, the further you seem to go. I dunno...maybe it's the little in me or something, but sometimes I just really really wish we could all be ourselves with each other. No judgment. That we could truly be friends.

Before TTWD I was drowning in all of this. There was blogging, tumblr, the gazillion facebook groups I belong to, e-mail, twitter, and keeping up with reading the newest book releases. There would be conversations and chats that would go to all hours of the night, and then I'd have to be up early the next morning to work the day job. I'd have to find time to write, revise, critique all their work, write blog posts, tweet, tumble, and still keep up with them. And that doesn't even cover the havoc the drama played on my emotions.

But Daddy stepped in and placed limits. He's helped me to prioritize what is important and let go of what isn't. He's brought peace and order to that part of my life.

Sometimes it's still overwhelming to me -- all these roles I play. Mother, daughter, friend, sister, author. There's the 'me' those girls in the group know. They know her real name, where she lives, the names of her children. They know the titles of her books, what she's working on right now, what she looks like, where she was born, what her voice sounds like. They know all these things. Yet, they know so little of who she is.

Because with them it's a game. It's a suck-it-up-and-bite-your-tongue-and-smile game. It's the gush-over-the-top-dogs game. It's the pretend-you're-somebody's-best-friend-and-bitch-behind-her-back game.

I know these games exist everywhere - not just in high school or writing. They run through all areas of life -- people are 'playing the game' in their jobs, in their families, in friendships, maybe even in their marriages. I often wonder if there are more out there like me. Maybe everyone's like me. Deep down maybe we all hate the drama. Hate the judgement. Hate the game.

Sometimes when I post here and see the view count grow and nobody says anything, I get panicky. I start worrying about saying something wrong or coming off like a know-it-all or too judgmental. I'll start to want to censor myself.

But then Daddy will stop and remind me, I write for him, not others. He wants the deep down real stuff. And he's given me a safe place to do that by moderating the comments to keep the judgment away.

Here, there is no game to play.

Aurora's not my real name and Daddy's no Phillip (but I think you know that). I can't share the names or details of the books I write. I have to be careful not to reveal too much about where I live and you'll never find a real picture of me.

But this is me -- the real me. Submissive, slave, little--they aren't roles I play. They are at the very core of me. I really am Aurora hiding behind my real name in my real life. And here...here I get to quit the game, step off the stage, take off the makeup...

I get to breathe...to live...

To exist.

The Fine Print

In the beginning there was a contract. Daddy wrote it when he proposed the power exchange. I can't really remember everything it said, but I clearly remember there being a contract. Somewhere along the way it was replaced with an unspoken agreement and a bracelet that locks around my wrist, but I know there once was that contract.

You see, I had a little bit of sub frenzy when Daddy gave me that contract. And I think I forgot to read some of the fine print.

Oh, I have so much to learn.

Like when it comes to gift giving. Daddy is beyond generous with gifts. Like out of this world thoughtfully generous. Like all my friends now think he's some super gift giving hero, and when I post on Facebook how great my husband is, they don't ask 'Did you get hacked?'. Instead they ask 'What did he get you?'.

I should be super happy about this -- right?

Well I am. And I'm thankful too. And grateful. And very very lucky. But I'm also super annoyed. Because now they want to know what I'm getting him.

Well...uh...um...

Daddy controls all the money. All the money. I have to ask to spend any of it -- even a dollar. And while, he's generous here too and rarely denies me what I want and need, when I ask to buy him something he's tightens up fast. Oh, I can get money out of him for the kids to shop with, but me...uh...nope.

He's a happy man, he'll say. He has everything he wants. And if he doesn't, he'll go out and buy it himself. 

This year he really outdid himself and when I whined to my writer friends that I had no money to get him anything, they offered up their suggestions.

A blowjob?

Uh...check


Member to the blow job club for a month?

He already has the lifetime membership.


VIP membership - no line, no cover, and no reciprocation?

Well I stopped there because I didn't want to admit he already has that too.

I guess I'll keep looking for that contract in hopes there was a loophole somewhere. I've still got a week til christmas.