Don't Wipe Your Feet On Me

Before I was Aurora, I was a doormat. I hated conflict and drama and figured the best way to avoid it all was to do whatever I could to keep everybody happy.

Honestly with most people, this wasn't too hard. Most people are pretty reasonable. Treat them kindly and they treat you kindly. The problem for me was the few who weren't like that. The ones that were hard to please. The ones with high expectations that kept shifting with no warning.

For some crazy reason, these were the people I always tried the hardest with. Bending, twisting, squeezing...always trying to fit into what they wanted me to be. Even if it meant less time and energy for more important people in my life like my family. Even if it meant giving up myself, my feelings, my needs. I would do anything for these people. Because when I said I wanted to please everybody, I meant everybody.

In all honesty, I wasn't an unhappy person living this way. I don't get angry or irritated easily (unless it's something that hurts my kids) and what better way to stay conflict-free than to be everybody's doormat. The only thing is that when you're a doormat you don't move, you don't grow, you don't go anywhere. You just exist for everybody else.

Submitting to Daddy has meant I can no longer be that doormat. I'm learning to be honest with him about everything. My thoughts, feelings, fears, needs. Everything. That's meant acknowledging me. There is somebody inside of me, a very real somebody. Not just some chameleon taking on the personality that fits who she is around.

I thought this D/s thing was supposed to be about Him, but somedays it feels as if it's me at the center of it all. Piece by piece Daddy's digging up the real parts of Aurora and molding her into who he wants her to be. Who she should be. And she is not a doormat. She's strong. She has courage. She has a voice. She's not as worried about what others think -- it's only Daddy's opinion that matters.

Last month I wrote a post about how Aurora has been hiding in my real life, but not long after that post I found out she wasn't hiding as well as I thought. Parts of her have been bleeding into all areas of my life and people have noticed. For some, it's been a good thing. For others...well not so much.

My priorities have been rearranged over the last year. And while I'd still drop everything in a heartbeat for a friend in need, I've been putting Daddy, our girls, and my career first. Unfortunately that's meant having to say 'no' to things I've never said 'no' to before. It's meant not meeting somebody's expectations. It's been making some people in my life a little unhappy.

Last month I found myself in a situation I thought only happened in high school. I was betrayed by somebody I'd been really close to. Somebody I really trusted. It's a situation where under Daddy's guidance, I've had to let go and walk away from.

I feel split apart. On one side, I'm hurting so much. I have so many questions and no answers. I keep rewinding everything...trying to figure out where I went wrong. I want to lash out, I want to scream, I want to cry. I just want to desperately understand.

On the other side, I'm relieved. There's this unexplainable freedom. Maybe deep down, I must've known I wasn't keeping them happy and the guilt was weighing on me. Areas of my life that felt blocked a month ago are suddenly wide open, and I've been more productive in the past few weeks than I probably was for most of 2013.

I'm still wrestling with these two sides. But with Daddy's help, the Aurora side is hopefully definitely winning. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to let it leak into the other areas of my life. To embrace me in every way I can. Even if it hurts sometimes. Even if it means letting go.