Sex, Shame, and My Inner Slut

Okay this post was hard to write - so please forgive me if I'm long and rambly.

This need of mine -- to submit-- has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. The fantasies about being tied up, being controlled, being enslaved started back in my childhood. I was drawn to my mom's romances about the pirates who would kidnap the girl and half her bosom would be hanging out on the front cover. The pictures of the chains wrapped around the ankles and wrists of the slaves in the story of Moses in my Bible called to me in very kinky ways (oh, please don't send me to hell for that one). And oh yeah there was that scene in Return of the Jedi with Princess Leia.  Heck, I even accidentally figured out how to give myself an orgasm around the time I learned to ride a bike. I say accidentally because I had no idea what it was at the time -- just that it was fun.

But at the same time as this was happening, I was growing up super-involved in a Christian church. We were there practically everyday of the week. I attended their school during the day. So pretty much every day faith, religion, and the idea that sex was some an extremely sacred act was being shoved down my throat. We were taught sex was something that happened in the confines of marriage and that things such as masturbation and fantasies were wrong and a way of 'cheating on your future spouse'. Those dirty little fantasies of mine --  I became deeply ashamed of them. I learned to bury them so deep so that nobody would ever know. I hid behind the façade that I was a good, sweet, innocent Aurora.

But in the back of my head I always felt God knew about them. And I think this made me even more ashamed of them.

About the time I hit junior high, my family moved to another state. My parents quit going to church and enrolled me in a public school. Going from the private school I grew up in to the public school at the time was like jumping in a lake when it's fifty degrees below zero.

Huge shock.

One of my very first friendships began with a girl I'm going to call Brittney (she would love that if she knew). Brittney was loud (what some would define as obnoxious), gutsy, and not afraid to speak her mind. About anything. She also had quite the kinky side and wasn't afraid to show it -- the majority of everything I learned about sex and kinky sex, I owe to her.

I was drawn to Brittney because she was everything I was not. Extroverted. Confident. Brave. But the closer we grew as friends, the more she let me in on her own insecurities. Brittney ran on the fringes of all those normal junior/high school cliques, never really quite fitting in anywhere. She was excluded because of her boldness. Constantly called names by the girls...expected to 'put out' by the boys.

If my religious background wasn't enough to shame me into hiding behind my 'good Aurora' image, being an observer to the constant slut-shaming Brittney experienced throughout her teen years pretty much sealed the deal. I became so good at hiding 'kinky me' that even Brittney (who I'm still friends with today) would never believe me if I told her about some of the stuff Daddy and I do now.

I ended up losing my virginity to my first boyfriend because I was tired of being that 'good Aurora'. I figured maybe it would help shed some of that image. Unfortunately though, the whole experience brought back a lot of that 'religious guilt' to the point that I got it in my head I could never be with anybody else now so I'd have to marry that particular boyfriend. (yes, I seriously thought this way). This was a disaster that ended one night with a bottle of peppermint schnapps and another guy who wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. It's odd...looking back I can clearly see it as rape. But it was also an ending to this boyfriend being my 'one and only'.

This is what Daddy got when he got me. I was messed up -- so much shame and guilt over what I had done. I was in therapy for an eating disorder and to deal with lingering issues over a babysitter who had molested me when I was five. I had hacked off my hair, weighed less than 90 lbs, and was smoking terrible things. And I was still so ashamed of sex that I hated it.

Yeah, I was a real catch -- I really still have no clue what Daddy saw in me. Maybe he thought I'd be good in bed...ha!

I was both a terrible girlfriend and wife when it came to sex. Daddy likes to say that I gave up control to him in everything but the bedroom, and that makes sense. I didn't think about sex much. I didn't want it. I only did it for him, and I wasn't very good at hiding that fact. I preferred it lights out, missionary, quick, and without any cuddling. And please oh please don't try to give me an orgasm. Poor Daddy -- it kills me to think how much I hurt him throughout the years. I struggle with so much guilt over this.

Daddy will be the first to remind me that he's far from perfect. That he's made lots of mistakes and there were many times he hurt me deeply. And that it's not quite the sexual desert I remember it as. There were some good times where I actually was into it. Times where that dirty side slipped out, and he began to suspect that there was a kinky side to me. He remembers that the first time he ever brought me to an orgasm was when he handcuffed me to the bed. I asked him why he just didn't make me his slave right there and then (and saved him all that crazy heartache) and he'll tell me that I wasn't ready yet.

I've always been a slow learner. I guess I'm just lucky that Daddy's super patient. He could've...maybe should've...given up on me so long ago. But he didn't. He waited for me...he waited for that inner slut of mine to break loose.

And when she finally did, it was crazy. I think we had sex for the first month straight. Or at least it felt that way. It was freeing to finally be free from all the shame.

Once Daddy stopped spinning though, he took the control and slowed things down a little bit. I began to learn that being Daddy's slut isn't just about the sex. Oh that part's great -- very great. So great that I weep for all those lost years. But being Daddy's slut means that I've finally been able to open up, to let him in, to love him with everything inside of me. To stop hiding and let him see everything.

I've come a long way, but I still struggle with this shame sometimes. It slips out. I get insecure. I find myself getting embarrassed. I struggle with writing sex or about sex. I have trouble being naked. I still feel the shame whenever I share a new fantasy with him.

When the insecurities come, so does that 'good Aurora' shell that I perfected all those years ago.But Daddy doesn't let it stay. He fought too hard to break that shell, he's not about to let it come back.

It's a day to day thing sometimes -- but I trust him.

No more 'good Aurora'.

Online Limits

Daddy controls the time I spend online. Usually when he's home, it's his time and family time. No blogging, surfing the web, or hanging out with my writer friends on Facebook. There's more time and flexibility for that during the weekdays and sometimes even during the evenings. But weekends are different. There's shopping, cleaning, and church. Daddy and I have a 'date night'. Any sewing I do happens on the weekend. Sometimes I get time to glance at my phone, but never for too long or else Daddy will take it away.

It's a good thing to be semi-unplugged. I enjoy being there in the moment with him and our girls. But I'm also supposed to blog on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, so it's a bad thing for Monday mornings if I don't have blog post already written and scheduled before the weekend.

Like I didn't do last Friday. Eeeeep.

Daddy not only limits my time online, but he also limits (somewhat) what I can do. He moderates this blog and the comments. He tracks where I go online. And he controls what I can do when I'm online too.

I have a habit of googling everything. Sometimes this a very helpful and useful habit. It's research for my writing. It's helped fix the garbage disposal. It makes a great spell check. But every time I get a weird symptom, I also google it. And before you know it I've diagnosed myself with cancer or am convinced I'm having a heart attack. And I know I'm not the only one out there who does this...

This drives Daddy crazy. So much so, that now he's banned WebMD and googling 'health related' topics. Not only that, apparently he's blocked the site too.

He says he would prefer I'd be diagnosed by a real doctor instead of Dr. Aurora.

Balancing Act

This past week I had Aurora focus on expectations...actually on not having expectations.  As I've mentioned before, Aurora is a thinker.  Her brain is going non-stop.  She thinks and analyzes and researches and thinks some more.  This is a trait that I love about her.  It is the reason that she is so creative.  However, at times this trait can cause issues.  She tends to think so much that she begins to play out scenarios in her head that lead to expectations.  Sometimes a fantasy of hers will turn into an expectation that it will happen on a given day or sometimes she will expect a letter or email.  And while she often gets these things...it needs to be my decision on when to give them.

One of my rules for Aurora is that she have no expectations.  Expectations are not fair to me because often times I am not aware of them.  They take the control away from me and give the control to her.  And of course, expectations often lead to disappointment.  And so we have worked and focused on having no expectations this week and I must say that Aurora has done very well.

So as we have progressed through this week, it has made me realize how closely expectations, insecurities and consistency are intertwined.  I contend that Aurora's insecurities sometimes cause her to have expectations and Aurora respectfully contends that it is the other way around.  I imagine that they probably feed off of each other at times.  For example, if one is insecure about not getting enough attention, it could very well lead to one believing that this much needed attention is right around the corner...thereby expecting it.  On the other hand, if one is expecting attention and does not receive it, they become insecure.

Then you have consistency.  Consistency is good.  It makes Aurora feel safe.  However, consistency must be balanced as well.  Consistency can lead to expectations at times.  If I send Aurora an email or write her a letter for 5 days in a row...then she will expect it on the 6th day as well, as would any normal person. So by being consistent, sometimes I am creating these expectations. 

So this is why I believe that being a Daddy is a balancing act.  She needs consistency to drown out the insecurities.  I need no expectations.  Too much consistency can create expectations and create insecurities. 

But this is what I love about my role.  Diving into Aurora's head.  Figuring out what makes her tick and taking that knowledge to make her the best she can be.  It's a never ending puzzle.  This puzzle that is Aurora...that is what makes me tick.

7 Things About Me

Happy Black Friday! So I know this is going around Facebook, and to be honest I hate coming up with stuff about myself. But I love to read it about everybody else, so here it goes...

1. My dad worked for the airlines. I grew up flying all the time. Yet, I'm afraid to fly. Petrified. You can shove a xanax down my throat with three bottles of wine and you'll still have to drag me (probably screaming and crying) onto the plane.

2. I like to sew and I like vintage things. Daddy and I found a Singer Sewing Machine table from 1934 at goodwill for ten dollars. Daddy re-finished the table and fixed it up for me and the machine still works perfectly. I love it more than my more modern machine!

3. I also like to cook and bake and love my Kitchen Aid mixer. So much that I have two of them!! My oldest daughter asked if she could have one when she moves out. I told her she could as long as it stays in my kitchen.

4. I've written a few novels, but none of them are any form of erotica. I love love love to read it though. Just struggle with writing my own. I seem to have way better sex scenes than I write sex scenes. Which I guess isn't too bad of a thing...

5. According to the Briggs Myers test, I'm an INFP. Which I think explains why I overthink everything and my head is always in the clouds. According to the Harry Potter Characters Briggs Myers, I'm Luna Lovegood. Which is just about right.

6. I was born in August and am a Leo. So I'm an introverted Leo. I think that makes me an oxymoron.

7. I don't do Black Friday shopping. Ever. Although I do love to shop, crowds like that overwhelm me (it's the introverted thing). To those that do --- have fun and stay safe!

Thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow to those who celebrate it! Daddy and I will be having a rather quiet one at home with just my dad and step-mom stopping by. I love thanksgiving -- the food, the family, the parade. Maybe not the scale the day after though.  I also love going around the table sharing what everyone is thankful for. My youngest always comes up with the cutest things.

For me, this is what I'm thankful for this year...

I'm thankful for my mom. Even though she lives a million miles away (well maybe not that far) and she can drive me crazy sometimes, she's still one of my closest friends. Sometimes I think she'd understand the relationship between me and Daddy, but I'm not sure I'm brave enough to risk it.

I'm thankful for my daughters. I love having girls. I guess I do feel bad Daddy never got a son (although he says it doesn't really bother him), but I'm secretly thrilled to have two girls who are so much like me. I will never have a better job than being their mother. And watching them with Daddy -- let's just say it melts my heart to see how much he loves his little girls! I love our family.

And I'm thankful for Daddy. For his love, patience, understanding. For never ever giving up on me. For having enough love for the both of us. For accepting me -- the good, the bad, and the deep dark twisted stuff. For loving the deep dark twisted stuff..

I'm also very thankful for TTWD. Last Thanksgiving Daddy and I were still pretty new at this...well we're still new at this. But we've grown so much deeper, so much closer since the last time we sat down for turkey and pumpkin pie. It hasn't been easy, but nothing worth having ever is.

And an even bigger thanks to all of you bloggers out there. I'm shy. I'm introverted. And I guess that doesn't change for me even when I'm not using my real name. But I'm a voracious reader. And I read all your words all the time even when I'm not brave enough to comment. So many of them have made me laugh, made me cry, made me see things in different ways, and some have gotten me through the toughest of days. So even if you don't celebrate thanksgiving, thank you!!!

On Being His Slave

When Daddy first proposed the whole Master/slave dynamic, I had visions of 24/7 nakedness while on my knees. Thank goodness it's nothing like that! We have kids after all and we live in a place that gets very cold in the winter. My knees are getting older and not really up to lots of kneeling.

Daddy's a pretty laid back guy. So even though I'm his slave, we don't do a lot of the high protocol stuff. He doesn't care if I sit on the furniture. I don't have to ask permission to use the bathroom. He doesn't tell me what to wear everyday.

That's not to say he doesn't control things. I do have to ask permission to eat certain foods or leave the house. I'm not allowed to spend money without asking. He tells me when bedtime is. And even though he doesn't choose my clothes, he has his input there--he likes me to dress like 'very girly' which to him means skirts and dresses everyday. 

And I do end up at his feet naked every night as part of our bedtime ritual. But it's not an all day thing and usually by then I'm in my very happy subby place.

As we go along, Daddy has added more and more. I do like his control -- everything he adds just makes me feel safer and more secure. Like he's put me in this little box that grows tighter and tighter with his control.

But sometimes I wonder if I'll someday end up being that 24/7 naked, kneeling slave who has to ask to pee.

And as much as I love his control, sometimes I kinda hope that's not where we're headed. Because I'm a freeze baby with the world's weakest bladder. Lol.

But I also know that ultimately, that's really not up to me.

Daddy's First Post

When Aurora came to me with the idea of creating this blog, I felt that it would be beneficial for her.  She is a writer (I am not, so forgive me for any errors) and a thinker.  It helps her to get all of her thoughts down on (electronic) paper.  I also felt that it wold be a great opportunity for her to meet people in the lifestyle.  So far, I have been right and I'm glad that she has this forum to express herself.

One other thing I envisioned, however, was for me to contribute some of my thoughts periodically to this blog.  I know that Aurora has really been looking forward to me sharing.  She has been patient though as I have transitioned to a different position at work that requires more of my brain than did my last position.  I am happy to say that things are settling down and I am able to find more time these days.

With the holidays approaching, we often reflect on the year that is nearly behind us.  We look back at the good and the bad, we remind ourselves of all that we are thankful for and we spend time with the people that mean the most to us.

As I look back on the last year, there is one theme. Change.  We have lost loved ones, young and old.  I was promoted and began working days for the first time in 13 years.  Many things have changed this year.  Some good and some bad. But so many moments this year have brought about change.

Most importantly though, Aurora and I have experienced a massive amount of change in our relationship.  We are so much closer and in love.  We understand each other way more than we ever did.  We have learned things about each other that we never knew, despite being together for 18 years.  This dynamic that we have found ourselves in this year has given us all of that.  It has allowed us to take on defined roles.  To communicate more than even our first year of dating.  We have hit some bumps along the way and even those bumps brought about change.  Bumps are good sometimes.  They make you work hard for what you want.

So as I look back on this year, I'm thankful.  I'm thankful for what we have found in each other and I'm incredibly thankful for Aurora and her submission.  Oh yeah...and I'm quite thankful for my spanking stick too!