Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Submitting In The Dark

My life these days is spent in the dark.

I have a health issue. Thankfully it's not something that will take my life, but for the time being it's making it rather difficult to live it.

I'll be undergoing surgery next week. I've been through this surgery before. It kind of sucks and the recovery isn't much fun. Things will most likely get worse than they are now for a little while. But the odds are with me, and I have no doubt that in a few months I'll begin getting my life back. That I'll get out this darkness.

But for now it's hard. Thanks to technology and Daddy I'm able to do a little writing, but it's been a bit of a frustrating learning curve, and what I used to be able to write in hours now takes days. I miss blogland. I miss my tumblr. I miss surfing the web and reading books and watching t.v. I miss going out. I miss shopping. I miss driving and cooking and sewing. I miss doing fun and crazy things with my kids. Most of all I miss the way TTWD was.

TTWD used to mean me serving him. I made his breakfast, did his laundry, cooked dinner. We had rules and rituals and sex whenever he wanted it. Now he's making the meals and doing all the laundry. There isn't a lot of thought given to the rules and rituals. They just don't happen anymore. And the sex and spanking occurs more in my fantasies and dreams than in reality these days.

Daddy is still in charge. He told me on the way home from that first doctor's appointment when we knew what this meant that, "he was now indefinitely in Daddy-mode (which is his soft, not-masterly-rough, but more take-care-of-me mode) and that was that." He's gotten pretty strict about what I'm allowed to/not allowed to do. And he still gives orders even if it's just to tell me that no, he'll take care of that. So the TTWD is still very much there.

But it's different, and I'd be lying if I said it's been easy. Far from it. We've had a lot of rough moments these past few weeks. Daddy is exhausted and has little time to think. I on the other hand have too much. I start thinking of how much of a strain this is on Daddy, our kids, our lives. I think of how little time Daddy and I have to connect. How much I miss him. How much I need him. How I miss all the spanking and sex and doing things for him. I miss the feeling when I know I pleased him. Then I hate myself for feeling that way. I don't want to be clingy. I don't want to be a burden.

Daddy has said often I don't get to decide whether I'm a burden or not. He doesn't want me pulling away and closing myself off. But I've done just that several times over the past few weeks. I get scared to show my neediness, my fears, my sadness. I mean he's dealing with enough already. What if he can't take anymore? So, I quit trusting Daddy. I close myself off. I try to take back my power. I stop submitting.

It never lasts for long. Daddy has a keen sense of knowing when I'm pulling away and he rarely ever lets me go too far. But I know it's so much more work for him when I do this. There's lots of stress to both of us...emotions and tempers flare. It usually results in a loss of sleep and even worse--time we actually could be connecting. And right now, when I have so little to offer him, my letting go and not making him fight for my submission is something he does need. Something I can and should give him.

But the days are long and in some of the darkest moments, I find myself wishing I could go back to the girl I was. That one who was closed off and didn't like sex so much. Because she didn't have as much to lose. The vulnerability of opening up and submitting can be so scary. And now, without having those daily rituals and moments where I used to feel daddy's dominance, without those things I used to do everyday that I know pleased him, without the frequent physical connections through sex and spanking, it's even scarier.

Daddy hasn't given me a reason to doubt him. I'm not saying that he's infallible or hasn't ever let me down. He gets short-tempered, cranky, angry, and shuts me down sometimes when I try to open up (especially in the past few tiring weeks). But he's also very good about recognizing this and even apologizing once he calms down. And even in the hardest of times of our relationship he's always fought for it...fought for us. He's super patient and he's never given up on me (despite me giving him lots of reasons to). He's given me nineteen years of reasons to trust him.  

I am trying hard to focus on that. To remember I can trust him. This may just be a small blip of time in our relationship and soon we will be back to the familiar 'Phillip & Aurora' dance, but I think it's also part of our journey -- reminding us what our relationship is really about. I think for us all the rules, rituals, acts of service, sex, spanking...they're just the extras. Important? Yes. They reaffirm our roles, make us feel closer and connected. We need them. But I don't think they're what make our relationship work.

What makes us work and what we can't live without is the trust. It is at the heart of everything we are and everything we do. It's a daily (sometimes even hourly) thing, but I am fighting to stay open even without the reassurance of those 'connections'. I am trying to find the courage to let go even though I can't see him. Trusting he's there. Knowing he'll catch me. I am learning to submit in the dark.

P.S. Thank you for all the nice comments and messages. They've really meant a lot.

18 comments:

  1. "in sickness & in health" ... isn't that how the vow goes?

    How utterly wretched for you all though. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It must be so frustrating (and scary) for everybody!

    But now is the time for you to be completely submissive ... just not in the kinky kind of way. You said it ... "learning to submit in the dark"

    Learning to trust Phillip in a different way I guess. That yes, he bears the brunt of "the burden" but it is a burden born out of love & he will find the strength he needs to do it all & be it all, because he has to. It's amazing just how the human spirit kicks into overdrive because of that need to help, provide for & protect that which we hold precious to us.

    It is very good that Phillip knows you so well & can recognize when you are shutting now. I am glad he doesn't allow you to indulge that very often.

    Maybe you can find new & different (smaller & easier) rituals & ways to show your submission? Something that falls into your "capabilities" at the moment.

    They always say that "it's the little things in life" ... maybe that's what will help you stave off your doubts during those "dark moments" & help fulfil your need to feel submissive when you cannot indulge in TTWD.

    I am thinking of you! And will be sending out all the positive energy I possibly can, out into the cosmos for you in your upcoming surgery. I only wish that I could do more! :(

    (((hugs)))
    gk

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    1. Thank you for all of your support through this GK! Aurora loves hearing your messages and replies!

      Phillip

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  2. Oh Auroa I am sorry you have to go through this. While I haven't had the illness or added worry of surgery, I do know the feeling of suspended animation. The feeling of wanting to be back where you 'were' but circumstances just won't allow it.

    I agree with GK. Try to figure out some new rituals. If you haven't already. Some less sexual or strenuous ones. Perhaps every morning and night before getting out of bed, or going to sleep, you can rest your head on him, he can stroke your hair and you can repeat some sort of mantra. Like, " I know you are still in charge. I trust that you will guide us through this. I know I am yours...." I know it isn't the same, but it is a reminder. Those sorts of verbal submission get to me all the time.

    I will be thinking of you.
    willie

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    1. Thank you for your kind words willie. I have been reading all of your responses to Aurora. She loves to hear them!

      Phillip

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  3. Aurora,

    Today sucks, but tomorrow doesn't. Focus on what you shared towards the beginning of this post. In a few months it will get back to where you want it. This obstacle is measurable.

    So glad that Phillip is there, taking control of the situation. Continue to trust in Him.

    I really hope the surgery and recovery go well. ((Hugs))

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    1. I often tell Aurora the same thing! Thanks for your kind words!

      Phillip

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  4. I cannot imagine what you're going through. I too get immense satisfaction out of serving Daddy and get uncomfortable when he does the same for me.

    I know how easy it is to wonder if dealing with life pre-TTWD would be easier. Easier??? Maybe emotionally. But happy? We both know we wouldn't be happy there.

    I agree with gk. Maybe there is something small you can still do. Some small ritual (maybe a new one) that can help you. I hope that these months fly by and you will look back knowing how loved and cherished you are.

    It's great to here from you and I do hope that you keep in touch.

    hugs
    p

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    1. Thank you so much for your support P. Aurora really appreciates it!

      Phillip

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  5. Aurora, I am so glad to see you posting but HATE that you are going through this!! Ugh, what a mess.

    You have been in my thoughts and you will continue to be so.

    Lots of hugs coming your way!

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    1. Thanks so much for your thinking of Aurora!

      Phillip

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    2. Hope things are getting better!

      Delete
  6. Wishing you all the best through the surgery and the recovery afterwards.

    You said it all when you said you have trust in each other, that and the loving support will you get through, even when it feels like its 5 steps forwars and 3 back..its still progress.

    x

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    1. Thanks for the well wishes. All of these comments really brighten Aurora's spirit!

      Phillip

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  7. Aurora-I've unintentionally been out of the loop and lost touch with you and everyone else over the past few months. I'm very sorry to hear of your health issues. I can only imagine after working so hard to build the kind of relationship that you have with your husband that it's like your security is being ripped out from under you. Your feelings are valid even though in actuality your relationship with him and the security of it is still there. It's not there in the way you're used to and I would certainly feel of kilter if my world was being tipped on its side. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel without guilt. Allow him to be everything he needs to be for your family right now, even if it is exhausting. Marriage is not 50/50-its whatever each person is capable pod giving through various stages and circumstances. I'll be thinking of you. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

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    1. Aurora was so glad to hear that you are back. She really has missed you! Thanks for the well wishes and please continue to keep in touch!

      Phillip

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  8. Wishing your all the best for your surgery and recovery.
    Being in the dark is scary, but it can be a time to find alternatives and see things in other ways.
    Hugs DF

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  9. Aurora thanks you for the well wishes DelFonte!

    Phillip

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  10. Not sure how in the world I missed your post on my blogroll! I have been thinking about you and wondering how your doing.

    Being on the receiving end of 'service' is not an easy place to be for a submissive. It would sound cute for a moment but at the heart of what we do, it would not feel right.
    Same for our Dominants. They thrive on keeping us safe and matters under control. This situation is beyond that and must be so difficult for the both of you. Blow ups and frustrations will keep the honesty right up front, this is not easy, for either of you =(

    Here is what I also know (and it sounds like you would agree) your submission/service to P is the icing on your wedding cake. Just as his Dominance for you is the cake topper. It isn't what holds up your marriage at all....but it IS what makes it that much better!!

    I am so excited for you that you were able to release some of what you've been going through here in blogland, I know it helps me when I do! Stay strong my friend and I wish for a smart and compassionate medical team to care for you that will get you back to your ol' submitting self!! =)

    XOXO Pearl

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