Thankful

We did something very different this year for Thanksgiving. And it made me realize how thankful I am for this dynamic.

Phillip and I are blessed with lots of extended family. And I do love them and somewhat like them for the most part. Between us we still have five grandparents living, along with numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on. We have parents, step-parents, brothers and a niece and a nephew.

Relationships with our extended family have always been important to us. The majority of our family vacations are either with family or to see family that live in various parts across the country. I'm so glad that our children have gotten the opportunities to meet and build relationships with so many of our family members over the years.

However, not every family is perfect...certainly not ours. And there is nothing like the holidays to shine a bright light on family dysfunction. On my side it's the fallout from a bitter divorce. On Phillip's side it's one family member who raises a lot of drama and changes the 'rules' every year. I'm a people pleaser. Phillip's pretty laid back. So for the most part we just go along with everybody else, bending and shifting at their whims and doing our best to keep the conflict down and keep things peaceful.

For the most part things have worked themselves into annual traditions for the majority of the holidays. But for some reason, Thanksgiving has always been a mess. Every year as November roles around the tension begins. This person doesn't want to host anymore. This person doesn't want to travel so far. This person wants to invite outside family. This person doesn't. And so on.  Every year, I try. Hosting. Not hosting. Doing anything and everything to accommodate so we can have a happy, stress-free holiday. But no matter what, it seems like it's never enough and somebody isn't happy.

This year as the rumblings started, Phillip decided we were done with the drama. We were going to start our own tradition and give our kids a stress-free Thanksgiving to remember and stay home. Unfortunately our choice this year wasn't exactly popular with some family members, but Phillip said not to worry and let him deal with it. So I did and he did and all went well. We had a big family breakfast before vegging out on the couch to watch the parade. Afterwards we put up the Christmas tree followed by a movie while the turkey finished cooking. We had all the favorites -- turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberries, pumpkin pie followed by an evening of playing board games and card games. It was a perfect day.

This morning my oldest remarked it was the best thanksgiving ever and could we do it again that way next year. Her younger sister seconded her request. It warmed my heart to know how much they enjoyed spending the day as just the four of us.

There is no doubt that this dynamic has brought Phillip and I closer. But it's also brought us closer as a family and helped us realign our priorities and time. It's sharpened our communication skills. Because of this our kids seem happier than they were a few years ago. There is less drama and more smiles and lots and lots of talking. They share things with me that I would've never dreamed talking to my parents about.

Not too long ago our oldest brought a smile to my face that when she told me that she no longer worries about her parents are ever divorcing like she used to and she hopes to have a marriage like ours some day. Now I didn't smile because I hoped she really had a marriage exactly like ours someday. Our kids don't know about our dynamic and there are no plans for them to ever know. Our kids aren't seeing the bruises or rules or toys or their mother tied up while their father spanks her. No...all they see is the love and respect this dynamic has brought and that's why I smiled.

So this week I've found myself very thankful for what this dynamic has done in our home. Despite the sicknesses over this past year and the bad days and the 'off' days and steps backwards. Despite how hard it can sometimes seem. But it's all worth it and I am so very very thankful. Thankful for the deepening bond between Phillip and I. And especially thankful for how it's bringing our little family closer together.  

Finding the Groove

This has been a rollercoaster of a year.  We have had so many ups and downs in our journey this year.  It's been difficult.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am a firm believer that obstacles make you stronger.  We have had our share of them in the last 20 years, as have many couples I'm sure.  Those obstacles have made us who we are today and I'm grateful for each one.

I finally feel like we are beginning to find our groove. Finding what works for us at this moment.  We are beginning to start up some simple rituals that reinforce Aurora's submissiveness. We have been able to throw in some denial.  I can be a little bit rougher sexually.  A lot of those things feed my dominance and her submission. The more submissive she is, the more dominant I get.  The more dominant I get, the more it feeds her submissiveness.  And that is how the groove is found between us.  We begin to feed off of each other.

Sure, there are things that we cannot do physically because of Aurora's condition.  My spanking stick has been living a lonely life for the past 10 months, for instance.  While that is something that both Aurora and I enjoy and need, these past months have taught us how to live without the spanking stick, among other things.  There will be a happy and glorious day when the spanking stick is dusted off and returned to it's rightful place across Aurora's ass.  However, at this point we make due without it if we must. 

I'm convinced that these obstacles have made me a better dominant.  They have made Aurora a slightly more patient submissive. As with anything in life, when faced with an obstacle or barrier...you find a way around it. It may change your path temporarily or even permanently, but it should never stop you.  We have had our pauses and at times it may have even felt like we were going backwards, but as long as you don't give up...you find a new path.  And while I may not move down our path at the pace that Aurora prefers, we're moving and we're moving steady.

Happy Love Our Lurkers Day!

I really do love lurkers. Probably because I'm pretty much a professional lurker myself. When Phillip proposed a 'power exchange' to me a few years ago, I had to google the words to see what he was talking about. They led me to this blog (which so happens to be called The Power Exchange). And after reading so many of mouse's wonderful posts, I stumbled across even more blogs. So many nights I sat up reading post after post of all these women out here who actually 'get how I feel'. I laughed...I cried... But I stayed silent and lurked here in blog land for well over a year before I got the courage up to ever leave a comment (and even then it was only because I was ordered to).

I lurk mostly because I'm both shy and quiet and insecure and lurking is my comfort zone. Phillip had me start this blog to push me out of that comfort zone last fall and despite life getting in the way this crazy past year, blog land has led me to some new and wonderful friendships and given me courage to speak up in so many other areas of my life. So I know de-lurking and stepping out of that comfort zone is a good thing.

Lately I've been back in that comfort zone by not posting and commenting very much. I'm actually supposed to be blogging once a week (it's in the rule book), but I've been bad about it and Phillip hasn't said anything...yet. But I probably shouldn't push it. So I'm gonna use this day to stop being such a lurker, and if any fellow lurkers out there want to join me, please do. Go to that blog you really connect with, be brave, and say 'hi'. (I left my first, very timid comment here in blog land on that first blog I found...and then proceeded to throw up. I still freak out every time I leave a comment.)

To everybody who reads, lurks, comments, doesn't comment, or just briefly passes by...Thank You!!!! 

And to anyone who wants to say hi and here, please do. Phillip even shut off the comment moderation. Or even e-mail me at becomingaurora@gmail.com.

Growing

Daddy and I e-mail a lot. That's something we've done throughout our dating years and our marriage. We've expressed feelings, resolved fights, and celebrated important days through e-mails and letters. I still have a lot of them...especially from way back when we first met and were dating. Writing has just always been an important part of our relationship.

It's been even more important as we moved into a D/s type relationship. I actually first told Daddy about my submissive feelings via e-mail and for the first year and a half of the relationship we e-mailed each other every day. When he changed jobs, it dropped to a few times a week or so, but that's because we had more time every evening to just cuddle and talk. We still do that every night, but last winter the e-mailing sort of dropped off.

I think that's when all my fears starting creeping in. It was so much easier to be open with Daddy when writing than it is just to tell him. And sometimes I'm not even sure what I want to say until I actually write it. But it seemed the longer we went without the e-mails, the easier it was to curl up and hide back in myself.

Last month, Daddy started the e-mails up again. At first he'd give me a topic or questions and tell me he wanted me to write an answer by a certain date. But it was sooo hard to try to write again especially so I'd wait until the night before and end up having to ask for an extension.

So then he told me he wasn't giving me a due date, but he hoped to hear back within a week or we were going to discuss communication issues. I was sooo frustrated. Sure, I'm not already feeling submissive and now it felt like he was being less dominant...but dang it worked because that's when all my feelings and fears started pouring out and the e-mails have been pretty non-stop since.

When we first started out and were discussing stuff like what we wanted to do and things we didn't think we could do and what limits there would be, Daddy said he didn't want to close any doors. He hoped I could trust him enough that he'd never do anything to harm me emotionally, physically or mentally. I guess it didn't really all hit me what this meant until a little over a year ago when Daddy surprised me with something that he might be interested trying in the future. It's something that hit me hard in the gut...I remember Daddy was at work and it was nighttime and there was a thunderstorm. I spent the night tossing and turning in bed fighting waves of fears.

When Daddy came home, he found me still awake and crying that I didn't think I could handle it, he made me a promise. That if there was something he really wanted that I couldn't handle, it was his job to help me grow to a place where I can handle it. And if I can't, then that's okay. It took a few days of that same promise, but eventually my fears quieted down and the subject was dropped.

Until this past week...it came out in one of our many e-mails. And Daddy let me ask more questions and share all my fears. As he's been answering me, I've been waiting for that 'punch to the gut' feeling again. I've been waiting for the paralyzing fear. But it's been pretty darn quiet. I'm not quite sure it's something I could handle at this very moment, but suddenly it's not something that I don't think I could not handle either.

I think I've been thinking that this past year has been a waste for us...Daddy said the only focus is on me getting better so the kink has taken a backseat. Pretty much a nonexistent backseat We've just been stuck--maybe even sometimes going backwards. But realizing that something that scared the hell out of me a year ago, no longer does, I can only think that maybe I have been growing. Maybe it's the trust formed every time I've reached and found his hand in the doctors' offices. Maybe it's the way he's taken care of me, the promises he's kept. I've recently had to lower the dosage of my medication because it's been affecting my liver enzymes, so this week the doctor talked about considering the possibility of taking a bigger but riskier approach to fighting this disease I have. It would mean basically restarting my whole immune system and there are quite a few things that could go wrong. But I'm not worried. Daddy will decide what to do and I know it will be the right thing for me. I trust in and believe that with all my heart.

Getting past these recent fears has made me see that things between us have been growing over this past year and maybe I've been wrong about 2014. I've had it in my head that this year has gotten in the way of our TTWD. But maybe TTWD is what's getting us through this year.

Afraid

Lately I've been afraid. But I'm not really sure of what.

Maybe it's all the depressing and scary news or that my girls are growing up so fast and I worry constantly about what the future holds for them. Or maybe it's all this health stuff that has made me feel so much older this year and that late at night I can't stop thinking about how the years are flying and how old everybody is getting and how much time do I really have left with them.

And with Daddy...I'm afraid of our dynamic shifting just as much as I'm afraid of it non shifting. One minute I'm all in...I want or rather need to be submissive more than anything in the world. And in the next minute I'm fighting. I get anxious or impatient or bratty or turn into this crazy overemotional wreck. I curl up inside myself and want to hide somewhere where I can go unnoticed. Where nobody will judge me or hurt me or even notice me.

It's hard to hide from Daddy though...he always notices. And he wants to know why I can't let go. What am I so afraid of?

Him? I don't think so. He's never given me a reason to really not trust him. Sure he makes mistakes. Sure he lets me down from time to time, but nobody is perfect. Not him. Certainly not me. And it's one of those things that when I really need him...he's always there. When he's made promises, he does everything possible to see them through. I've known him for over half my life and I know how honest he is, how important integrity is to him, how he demands the truth from all of us in our family (especially himself). And when I did let go last time, I found more happiness and strength than I've ever know. For the first time in my life, I really truly found me. So there's no reason not to trust him. No reason to be afraid. So why am I?

I don't know. At first I was thinking maybe it was because of something that happened late last year. This dynamic changed me. It forced me to stop hiding behind the walls I'd spent a lifetime building and really be myself. Some people in my life I considered friends and trusted so much didn't quite like the 'new, real me'. And my trust was betrayed and it hurt a lot. So maybe that's it...maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt like that again.

But I'm not so sure. Because deep down I was relieved when I lost those so-called friends. They put a lot of expectations on me and there was a freedom in getting out from beneath the weight of them. And letting go and embracing myself started to bring the right kind of friends into my life anyways so why wouldn't I want to be that.

So maybe it's something else. Maybe it was because when the health woes began last winter, Daddy's 'pushy' side disappeared. There's two sides to him--the soft, gentle side that is always reaching for my hand when we walk through parking lots and tucks me in every night and who makes me feel like their is no safer place in the world then curled up to him with my head on his chest. Then there's the other darker crueler side of him. That's the side of him that gets deep inside my head so he can push me and manipulate me to be exactly what he thinks I should be. That's his 'pushy' side. And when it went away last winter, suddenly that space he took up in my head and kept so perfectly organized fell into shambles.

I tried, I think, to push myself. During the long, boring days before and after my surgery and into the next illness, I tried. I'd give myself little goals that I'd never tell him about. He was too busy--with work and taking care of me. I suck at pushing myself though and eventually I quit trying. And then my brain just turned into this big overthinking mess again and I started building back up some of those walls that Daddy once pushed me through. I think Daddy knew I was doing this, but it didn't matter because it was always temporary to him. Once he felt like I could physically handle it, he would just push me back through those walls again.

So I should let go and trust he'll fix it when it's time. Right? But what if he does that and all the crappy health woes come back and he has to back off again and my brain gets messy again and I start building those stupid walls and...maybe I'm afraid of going backwards again?

Or maybe I'm afraid of facing those walls again. Of getting pushed through them. It hurt last time, I imagine it'll hurt this time. But it hurt more to stay hiding behind them...didn't it? Maybe it's this tiny little voice in my head that keeps telling me to shut up and go back to my corner and not bother anyone with any of this...especially Daddy. It tells me I'm way too much work and I'm better off just burying my head in the sand and hiding.

But I know that voice is wrong. Daddy would never let me hide--not now. Whether I let go of these fears I'm clinging so tightly on today or fight him on for the months or years to come, the outcome will be the same. Daddy will dig that vulnerable part back out of me and break down those walls and silence that voice. So why am I so afraid?

Maybe I think too much or not enough or maybe my brain is just way too messy to make any sense of this at the moment. I just know that these days as Daddy tightens the reigns again, there is a war going off in my head.

Writing Again

Summer is usually my favorite season. I love the warmth, the long days, the sounds of kids playing outside and lawnmowers and crickets at night. I love going outside without a coat or shoes and Daddy grilling out and the green grass and the endless blue sky. I even love having my girls at home everyday (although they do tend to get a little cranky by the end of August).

This summer kind of sucked though. Thanks to my meds I have to stay out of the sun and I feel nauseous and tired all the time. It's reminding me of my pregnancies (I had really bad morning sickness). I have no appetite, smells drive me crazy, and just plain feel crappy all the time. On the bright side though, the meds are working and this stupid disease is in remission. I even had to recently lower the dose because it was affecting my liver and it still seems to be in remission plus the lower meds mean less symptoms so I know all the crappiness has been and still is worth it.

But I really didn't start this post to whine about my health yet again. What I really just want to do is force myself to write. Writing has always been helpful for me -- to process my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I'm not even really sure what I'm thinking or feeling until after I write it down. Writing (and sharing it over the past few years) has given me courage to be myself. To stop worrying about what anyone else thinks and let go of those timid and shy parts of myself.

Daddy and I used to talk a lot via e-mail...at one point nearly every day. I blogged here and elsewhere. And I was writing fiction nearly every day. But then all the medical stuff came and I just stopped. Blogging, commenting, e-mailing, even sending text messages. Suddenly I feel myself slipping back into that timid shy person who wants to hide from everybody...even Daddy and I really don't want to go back there.

 Daddy's been pushing me...starting to enforce some of the old rules and tasks he's put on hold over the last several months. We've played a little -- nothing super intense (he says this is gonna be slow and cautious), but just enough to make me feel that place again. That place where I want to be open to him, where I want to be his. That place that feels so right.

So please forgive me if I start to ramble again on here. I'm just trying to work on getting those pesky thoughts and feelings out and get some of that courage back. Thanks so much for the comments you've left on my last post. I'm sorry to be so rude and terrible to not answer them for so long (it's this darn introverted shy fear thing I got going on), but really thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words meant a lot and I can't wait to get reading and catch up on everybody's blogs.

Role Switch Part Two

The last time I wrote about Aurora and I switching roles, it was a bit different.  I know many of you got a good laugh out of it and that is okay.  We still laugh about that experience too.  In fact, we were just talking about it today.  This time though, the role reversal wasn't voluntary.

As Aurora said earlier, I was recently diagnosed with diabetes.  Up until that day, I had one focus...to make sure Aurora gets healthy.  Suddenly, I found myself with the need to get healthy.  I found myself reeling from the news.  I found myself dealing with anger, worry, denial and various other emotions.  And Aurora found herself not being the center of my attention and worrying about me instead of the other way around.  She wasn't comfortable in this role at all and I don't blame her.  Just as our experience with the spanking stick months back, there is a reason that she is the submissive in this relationship. She doesn't like or want control.  She doesn't want worries.  That is why she gives that all over to me and I love taking care of it. I am very lucky and very grateful that Aurora has been so supportive of me through this, but it's time for me to take back my role.

As time moves on and I settle into a routine with this whole diabetes thing, our roles are slowly returning to normal.  Sure, I still have to take care of myself but I have dealt with the emotions and the lifestyle change.  Now I am ready to care for Aurora how I know best.  I want to take care of us both. I want her to be able to relax and not worry so much about my health and instead, focus on her healing by staying calm and stress free.

I am happy to report that my diabetes is getting under control and Aurora's health issues are slowly improving as well.  We have a long journey ahead of us with all of this, but I can see some light.  We will be back to our usual selves soon. We will be healthier than before and able to enjoy this lifestyle even more.  Speaking for myself, this was my wake-up call.  It is my time to take control of my health so that I can be around a long time for my Aurora.  I look so forward to the future of us! 

Although this role switch was much less painful for me, this is definitely something that I want to avoid in the future!