Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Beginning Again

So, I'm 'officially' all better. The doctor said the autoimmune stuff is in remission, the surgery I had last year is all healed up and better. I can do all the fun and not so fun things (like housework) again. And thanks for anyone who is still reading this (if anyone is still even reading this). I know I've been horrible about posting and responding to so many sweet comments and reading other blogs and I can't wait to catch up on all of that now.

In good news, things have been a lot less vanilla around here. Especially over the past week.

In not so good news, I'm a mess of insecurities. Since last fall things around here have been pretty relaxed. Daddy got a promotion at work this past winter that's left him super busy and focused on that, and I've been wrapped up in my own little world of quilting, reading non sexy stuff, and Netflix comedies. It's been comfortable. Like how we were before all of this. No pushing me to write or take chances or face those demons. It's almost like I've been able to lock myself up again. Every now and then I'd worry that maybe I was becoming who I used to be. That 'Aurora' was just a phase and I'd go back to my nonsexual withdrawn self. That scared the crap out of me. So I'd say something to Daddy who would tell me not to worry, just get better and he'd get me back where he wanted when the time was right.

Well the right time came last week which is great and I couldn't be more excited and happy. But I've also been scared out of my mind. Daddy's unlocked that door again and suddenly all my fears and worries are tumbling out. And so it's been night after night of me asking him questions.

Does he need this? Does he want this? Is he happy with this or would he rather be like we were? 

His answers are always reassuringly the same and I know I should trust them. He's never given me a reason not to. But I still struggle. I think it's because all the more we start back down this road the more I want and need it all. The pain. The suffering. The need to submit and to serve him. It's like a fire growing and consuming me. And that's what scares me because I start to wonder why am I like this. Why do I crave that feeling of powerless so much? I see the news with women who are abused and killed by their husbands and I wonder if  Daddy hadn't walked into my life when he did could I have been one of them? Why do I have this enormous need to please everybody? Am I broken? Unfixable? Crazy? How can someone love someone like me? Oh, how I feel like I'm back in the beginning of all of this back three years ago, with my finger on the 'send' button ready to tell Daddy all my deepest darkest thoughts and praying he doesn't run in the other direction. I guess it's probably like this since things have been so low key with the health stuff for so long but sometimes I want to shake myself. Haven't I learned anything?

Daddy says I like what I like. He likes what he likes. Lucky for us, what he likes turns me into what he likes (which apparently is a crazy sex-starved little slut) and there's no need to overthink all of this because it's a good thing since it makes us both very happy.

And I know he's right. But tonight I'm afraid I'll probably still be asking him all the same questions again.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


I miss blogging and I miss blogland. I really do. I didn’t mean to not blog for four months. Even without Daddy requiring me to blog, I still like the outlet. It’s a great way to process feelings sometimes. And I absolutely adore the reading. The way other bloggers can comfort or help or even open your mind.
I miss it all. I really do.
But as much as I miss it, it’s just been too hard to be here this past winter. I feel bad for even saying that because blogland is such a great place. But every time I attempted to catch up on reading or open the blog to write, I started thinking about everything I was missing with Daddy and I.
Daddy is still Daddy. We’re still D/s or whatever we are. He’s still in charge and I have absolutely no doubt about that. But because of this stupid disease I have, any kind of kink or anything he deems as ‘too stressful’ for me is off the table. No matter how much I beg or plead or say ‘I need’. He’ll just tell me ‘He needs me to get better and he’s not taking risks with my health’.
I know this is a good thing and something that truly only makes me trust him more, but I miss that unbelievable closeness of sitting at his feet. I miss that ‘sub happy place’. I miss the bruises. I do have bruises at the moment thanks to all the IVs in my arms over the last month. I just finished up a round of chemotherapy that will hopefully make this  autoimmune disease go away.  There’s several of these bruises up and down my arms. But they’re not his bruises.
I miss that pure feeling of being his.
Most of all I miss that push he gave me. To blog, to write, to speak up. To find my voice and share it. To be exactly who I am and not be afraid of that. I really miss that. Because without it I feel like I’m reverting to that shy fearful anxious little girl I was before all of this. I feel like I’m hiding myself away, afraid of the world, like a roly poly who curls up every time it’s touched.
And I miss the healing. Not the outside stuff but the inside stuff. The way he was helping me overcome parts of me I thought were forever broken. Now those parts sit abandoned, pieces partially glued back together now covered with dust.
Daddy will read this and remind me I’m not being patient (sorry Daddy). And yeah I know. In a few weeks I have an appointment to find out if the chemo worked. Considering I’ve been pretty much symptom free for the past few weeks, I’m very hopeful for good news. Because then things can move forward…we can move forward.
But until then, I’m just trying not to miss everything I miss so much.

Friday, December 19, 2014


That is how I've been feeling lately. Very overwhelmed.

Of course it is that time of year where everybody is overwhelmed. All the shopping and parties and endless activities and things to do. And being an introvert, the crowded stores and big gatherings exhaust me. Plus I'm dreading the annual fun of having my bitterly divorced parents in the same state in just a few days (oh I wish Christmas could be like our Thanksgiving), this bipolar weather is wreaking havoc on the fibro, and they upped my meds and I just all around feel like crap.

In the midst of all this, I made the mistake of deciding to sew a few gifts this year. They are things the recipients specifically asked for (and know they're getting) so there's no backing out at this point. Plus Daddy keeps declaring, "they will be done". Pfffft. Okay, okay. They will. But I really think I should've probably started a year ago.

Despite all this, Daddy, for the most part, has been super domly lately. Which is a good thing because I'm whatever the opposite of super submissive is. So he's keeping me moving forward instead of curling up with wine and chocolate on the couch and watching endless Lifetime movies. And last weekend he even brought out the flogger and crop for the first time since like last January and all I can say is whoooeeeee it was so awesome and oh how much I needed that.

Anyways in case I don't make it back here before 2015 (which I most likely won't), I want to wish all my blogging friends the happiest of holidays this year!

Friday, November 28, 2014


We did something very different this year for Thanksgiving. And it made me realize how thankful I am for this dynamic.

Phillip and I are blessed with lots of extended family. And I do love them and somewhat like them for the most part. Between us we still have five grandparents living, along with numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on. We have parents, step-parents, brothers and a niece and a nephew.

Relationships with our extended family have always been important to us. The majority of our family vacations are either with family or to see family that live in various parts across the country. I'm so glad that our children have gotten the opportunities to meet and build relationships with so many of our family members over the years.

However, not every family is perfect...certainly not ours. And there is nothing like the holidays to shine a bright light on family dysfunction. On my side it's the fallout from a bitter divorce. On Phillip's side it's one family member who raises a lot of drama and changes the 'rules' every year. I'm a people pleaser. Phillip's pretty laid back. So for the most part we just go along with everybody else, bending and shifting at their whims and doing our best to keep the conflict down and keep things peaceful.

For the most part things have worked themselves into annual traditions for the majority of the holidays. But for some reason, Thanksgiving has always been a mess. Every year as November roles around the tension begins. This person doesn't want to host anymore. This person doesn't want to travel so far. This person wants to invite outside family. This person doesn't. And so on.  Every year, I try. Hosting. Not hosting. Doing anything and everything to accommodate so we can have a happy, stress-free holiday. But no matter what, it seems like it's never enough and somebody isn't happy.

This year as the rumblings started, Phillip decided we were done with the drama. We were going to start our own tradition and give our kids a stress-free Thanksgiving to remember and stay home. Unfortunately our choice this year wasn't exactly popular with some family members, but Phillip said not to worry and let him deal with it. So I did and he did and all went well. We had a big family breakfast before vegging out on the couch to watch the parade. Afterwards we put up the Christmas tree followed by a movie while the turkey finished cooking. We had all the favorites -- turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberries, pumpkin pie followed by an evening of playing board games and card games. It was a perfect day.

This morning my oldest remarked it was the best thanksgiving ever and could we do it again that way next year. Her younger sister seconded her request. It warmed my heart to know how much they enjoyed spending the day as just the four of us.

There is no doubt that this dynamic has brought Phillip and I closer. But it's also brought us closer as a family and helped us realign our priorities and time. It's sharpened our communication skills. Because of this our kids seem happier than they were a few years ago. There is less drama and more smiles and lots and lots of talking. They share things with me that I would've never dreamed talking to my parents about.

Not too long ago our oldest brought a smile to my face that when she told me that she no longer worries about her parents are ever divorcing like she used to and she hopes to have a marriage like ours some day. Now I didn't smile because I hoped she really had a marriage exactly like ours someday. Our kids don't know about our dynamic and there are no plans for them to ever know. Our kids aren't seeing the bruises or rules or toys or their mother tied up while their father spanks her. No...all they see is the love and respect this dynamic has brought and that's why I smiled.

So this week I've found myself very thankful for what this dynamic has done in our home. Despite the sicknesses over this past year and the bad days and the 'off' days and steps backwards. Despite how hard it can sometimes seem. But it's all worth it and I am so very very thankful. Thankful for the deepening bond between Phillip and I. And especially thankful for how it's bringing our little family closer together.  

Friday, November 21, 2014

Blog Reading

So I'm supposed to be doing this blogging thing once a week, and I vowed last week that I wouldn't break that rule again, but I'm really struggling with what to write and now it's late Friday afternoon and I'm out of time. I asked Phillip for some help, but his answer was to write what I feel. That didn't go so well. This week has been a little long between the winter weather we're experiencing and a little family/holiday drama and my feelings have been all over the place. So much so, that I have two half-written messy drafts of mixed-up nothingness.

So I'm going to spare everyone all the crazy word vomit and answer a question that was left in the comments last week on LOL day. (And to that commenter: Thank you, thank you thank you!!!)

The question was: Apart from your own, which blogs do you most like reading?

Well first I'm going to say that I don't like to read my own blog. It's sometimes hard for me to even edit posts (sorry for any and all errors). Reading my own words makes me a little sick to my stomach.

Aside from that though, I honestly can't think of a blog I don't like to read. I love reading blogs and am always excited to find a new one. I know that no community is perfect and blogland has it's issues and drama, but I feel like there's a lot more honest, real, non-judgmental people here and it sure is refreshing. And I've learned so much.

But since you asked for the blogs I like to read the most...well unfortunately several of them have gone private or disappeared altogether, but here are some blogs I've really connected with off the top of my head.

Mouse's blog which I mentioned in my last post. It was the first blog I ever found and the first blog to make me feel not so alone in this submissive world. There's such a beautiful raw honesty in all of her posts.

Submissive Sanctuary was the first blog I found where the D/s relationship came after the marriage. At the time I was a little nervous about changing our dynamic because our marriage at the time was actually pretty good and what if the shift to D/s messed that up. Reading Lil's blog gave me so much hope. Plus she's a really dang good writer.

Misty's blog. I think she's channeling my brain or I'm channeling hers because everything she writes sounds like me. Even Phillip who'll read blogs too from time to time asked me if I wasn't secretly Misty. But it's nice and comforting to read her posts because I don't feel so crazy and  a lot more normal.

Also Pearl, Geekie Kittie, BlondieFondles, and Thoughts From His Slut are some others that I really really enjoy because their posts are often full of such realness and honesty and those are my favorite types of posts. I do enjoy reading the sexy ones (there are some brilliant writers here), but I'm drawn to those everyday raw feeling type posts. I think it's because except for Phillip, there is nobody in my real everyday life who knows about this side of me and sometimes it feels lonely. Reading about other bloggers who've shared thoughts or feelings I've experienced makes me feel a little less lonely and a lot more normal (even if I don't ever get brave enough to comment).

Honestly there's probably a good dozen or two more blogs I obsessively lurk on and I'm discovering some great new ones from LOL day that I've been trying to read from the beginning. It's been a slow process though because Phillip's limits my blog reading. He thinks I overdo it and get impatient and things don't go too well when that happens.

Thanks again to the lurker for the question. Thanks to all the bloggers out their in blog land for continuing to write and share such amazing things everyday (especially after I've been struggling so much this week). Hopefully the words flow better next week.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Finding the Groove

This has been a rollercoaster of a year.  We have had so many ups and downs in our journey this year.  It's been difficult.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am a firm believer that obstacles make you stronger.  We have had our share of them in the last 20 years, as have many couples I'm sure.  Those obstacles have made us who we are today and I'm grateful for each one.

I finally feel like we are beginning to find our groove. Finding what works for us at this moment.  We are beginning to start up some simple rituals that reinforce Aurora's submissiveness. We have been able to throw in some denial.  I can be a little bit rougher sexually.  A lot of those things feed my dominance and her submission. The more submissive she is, the more dominant I get.  The more dominant I get, the more it feeds her submissiveness.  And that is how the groove is found between us.  We begin to feed off of each other.

Sure, there are things that we cannot do physically because of Aurora's condition.  My spanking stick has been living a lonely life for the past 10 months, for instance.  While that is something that both Aurora and I enjoy and need, these past months have taught us how to live without the spanking stick, among other things.  There will be a happy and glorious day when the spanking stick is dusted off and returned to it's rightful place across Aurora's ass.  However, at this point we make due without it if we must. 

I'm convinced that these obstacles have made me a better dominant.  They have made Aurora a slightly more patient submissive. As with anything in life, when faced with an obstacle or find a way around it. It may change your path temporarily or even permanently, but it should never stop you.  We have had our pauses and at times it may have even felt like we were going backwards, but as long as you don't give find a new path.  And while I may not move down our path at the pace that Aurora prefers, we're moving and we're moving steady.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Happy Love Our Lurkers Day!

I really do love lurkers. Probably because I'm pretty much a professional lurker myself. When Phillip proposed a 'power exchange' to me a few years ago, I had to google the words to see what he was talking about. They led me to this blog (which so happens to be called The Power Exchange). And after reading so many of mouse's wonderful posts, I stumbled across even more blogs. So many nights I sat up reading post after post of all these women out here who actually 'get how I feel'. I laughed...I cried... But I stayed silent and lurked here in blog land for well over a year before I got the courage up to ever leave a comment (and even then it was only because I was ordered to).

I lurk mostly because I'm both shy and quiet and insecure and lurking is my comfort zone. Phillip had me start this blog to push me out of that comfort zone last fall and despite life getting in the way this crazy past year, blog land has led me to some new and wonderful friendships and given me courage to speak up in so many other areas of my life. So I know de-lurking and stepping out of that comfort zone is a good thing.

Lately I've been back in that comfort zone by not posting and commenting very much. I'm actually supposed to be blogging once a week (it's in the rule book), but I've been bad about it and Phillip hasn't said anything...yet. But I probably shouldn't push it. So I'm gonna use this day to stop being such a lurker, and if any fellow lurkers out there want to join me, please do. Go to that blog you really connect with, be brave, and say 'hi'. (I left my first, very timid comment here in blog land on that first blog I found...and then proceeded to throw up. I still freak out every time I leave a comment.)

To everybody who reads, lurks, comments, doesn't comment, or just briefly passes by...Thank You!!!! 

And to anyone who wants to say hi and here, please do. Phillip even shut off the comment moderation. Or even e-mail me at