Our Biggest Hurdle - Answer to Question from Tomsrose

What was your biggest hurdle when you decided to change up the dynamic in your marriage?

I think it's a common one. Learning to let go of ‘what I thought it should be’ and submit to what Daddy wanted.

I started all of it in the bedroom, but to me it was all fun and games. I think I had sub-frenzy times a million because not only was I discovering my submissive side, I was discovering I actually enjoyed and wanted sex for the first time in my life. And I was beyond thrilled that I could finally give Daddy everything he’d ever wanted in our marriage.

When Daddy proposed it, I thought it would be easy. Daddy usually made a lot of the decisions outside of the bedroom throughout our marriage anyways so the only real change would be all that crazy sex we would be having. Ha Ha. How wrong I was.

I think it all overwhelmed Daddy at first. He was a new dom trying to find his confidence and deal with this over-eager wife of his and wanted to take things slow. And I got impatient and frustrated and attempted to control him into controlling me.

Things went downhill very fast. Daddy lost confidence and pulled away. I felt rejected and pulled away. I was so humiliated and embarrassed and just wanted to go back to how we were before all of this.

Daddy decided we needed to take a step back. He wanted some time to research, learn, understand, and find the confidence to do this right. The step back was good for me too it gave me time to calm down from all those ‘frenzied’ feelings’.

During our break, Daddy found a series of books he really liked. He said it helped him understand the ‘submissive mindset’ more. I’m not sure what they said exactly because I’ve never been allowed to read them, but they definitely must’ve helped because when Daddy finally decided we were ready things went very differently.

This time he made it very clear that he was in control and we were moving at his pace. He implemented rules and rituals (some I didn’t like too much). He also started giving me assignments. These initial assignments led to us sharing daily e-mails at least twice the size of this blog post. I used to think we had pretty good communication, but it was crazy—like a floodgate had opened or something.

When Daddy first proposed TTWD, I thought it meant he wanted sex all the time. That he wanted me to make breakfast and serve his coffee and let him make the decisions. It seemed so easy. But what he really wanted was me – all of me. He wanted in so he could pull out those parts of me I held back, so he could break down those walls I’ve built, so he could heal the broken parts.

Getting to that point wasn’t easy. The way we crashed and burned the first time trying to add the dynamic scared me. I had a lot of doubts and concerns as to whether Daddy really wanted this. But when we finally got there and I finally let go, it was worth it.

When Daddy and I first started dating, I liked him a lot. And eventually I loved him. He was there for me during a hard time, he spoke my love language, he made me laugh, and he got me in a way nobody ever did.  He’s been my best friend, a great father, and we’ve survived some pretty tough times.

But I’ve never felt the ‘butterflies’. Not with him, not with anybody. I thought they were some myth reserved for teenagers and romance novels. But when I finally learned to let go, I fell in love – like really, truly deeply in love -- for the first time in my life. I felt the butterflies.

Not to say we haven’t had hurdles since. Sometimes Daddy loses his confidence and sometimes I struggle to ‘let go’. When it happens at the same time, it’s like a perfect storm for us and usually results in some pretty big fights. We’ve stumbled and gotten a little lost at times. But ever since overcoming that first hurdle, I’ve had no doubt this is what we both need and that it’s worth fighting for.  

Thank you Tomsrose for the great question.