Beginning Again

So, I'm 'officially' all better. The doctor said the autoimmune stuff is in remission, the surgery I had last year is all healed up and better. I can do all the fun and not so fun things (like housework) again. And thanks for anyone who is still reading this (if anyone is still even reading this). I know I've been horrible about posting and responding to so many sweet comments and reading other blogs and I can't wait to catch up on all of that now.

In good news, things have been a lot less vanilla around here. Especially over the past week.

In not so good news, I'm a mess of insecurities. Since last fall things around here have been pretty relaxed. Daddy got a promotion at work this past winter that's left him super busy and focused on that, and I've been wrapped up in my own little world of quilting, reading non sexy stuff, and Netflix comedies. It's been comfortable. Like how we were before all of this. No pushing me to write or take chances or face those demons. It's almost like I've been able to lock myself up again. Every now and then I'd worry that maybe I was becoming who I used to be. That 'Aurora' was just a phase and I'd go back to my nonsexual withdrawn self. That scared the crap out of me. So I'd say something to Daddy who would tell me not to worry, just get better and he'd get me back where he wanted when the time was right.

Well the right time came last week which is great and I couldn't be more excited and happy. But I've also been scared out of my mind. Daddy's unlocked that door again and suddenly all my fears and worries are tumbling out. And so it's been night after night of me asking him questions.

Does he need this? Does he want this? Is he happy with this or would he rather be like we were? 

His answers are always reassuringly the same and I know I should trust them. He's never given me a reason not to. But I still struggle. I think it's because all the more we start back down this road the more I want and need it all. The pain. The suffering. The need to submit and to serve him. It's like a fire growing and consuming me. And that's what scares me because I start to wonder why am I like this. Why do I crave that feeling of powerless so much? I see the news with women who are abused and killed by their husbands and I wonder if  Daddy hadn't walked into my life when he did could I have been one of them? Why do I have this enormous need to please everybody? Am I broken? Unfixable? Crazy? How can someone love someone like me? Oh, how I feel like I'm back in the beginning of all of this back three years ago, with my finger on the 'send' button ready to tell Daddy all my deepest darkest thoughts and praying he doesn't run in the other direction. I guess it's probably like this since things have been so low key with the health stuff for so long but sometimes I want to shake myself. Haven't I learned anything?

Daddy says I like what I like. He likes what he likes. Lucky for us, what he likes turns me into what he likes (which apparently is a crazy sex-starved little slut) and there's no need to overthink all of this because it's a good thing since it makes us both very happy.

And I know he's right. But tonight I'm afraid I'll probably still be asking him all the same questions again.

Missing

I miss blogging and I miss blogland. I really do. I didn’t mean to not blog for four months. Even without Daddy requiring me to blog, I still like the outlet. It’s a great way to process feelings sometimes. And I absolutely adore the reading. The way other bloggers can comfort or help or even open your mind.

I miss it all. I really do.

But as much as I miss it, it’s just been too hard to be here this past winter. I feel bad for even saying that because blogland is such a great place. But every time I attempted to catch up on reading or open the blog to write, I started thinking about everything I was missing with Daddy and I.

Daddy is still Daddy. We’re still D/s or whatever we are. He’s still in charge and I have absolutely no doubt about that. But because of this stupid disease I have, any kind of kink or anything he deems as ‘too stressful’ for me is off the table. No matter how much I beg or plead or say ‘I need’. He’ll just tell me ‘He needs me to get better and he’s not taking risks with my health’.

I know this is a good thing and something that truly only makes me trust him more, but I miss that unbelievable closeness of sitting at his feet. I miss that ‘sub happy place’. I miss the bruises. I do have bruises at the moment thanks to all the IVs in my arms over the last month. I just finished up a round of chemotherapy that will hopefully make this  autoimmune disease go away.  There’s several of these bruises up and down my arms. But they’re not his bruises.

I miss that pure feeling of being his.

Most of all I miss that push he gave me. To blog, to write, to speak up. To find my voice and share it. To be exactly who I am and not be afraid of that. I really miss that. Because without it I feel like I’m reverting to that shy fearful anxious little girl I was before all of this. I feel like I’m hiding myself away, afraid of the world, like a roly poly who curls up every time it’s touched.

And I miss the healing. Not the outside stuff but the inside stuff. The way he was helping me overcome parts of me I thought were forever broken. Now those parts sit abandoned, pieces partially glued back together now covered with dust.

Daddy will read this and remind me I’m not being patient (sorry Daddy). And yeah I know. In a few weeks I have an appointment to find out if the chemo worked. Considering I’ve been pretty much symptom free for the past few weeks, I’m very hopeful for good news. Because then things can move forward…we can move forward.

But until then, I’m just trying not to miss everything I miss so much.

Overwhelmed

That is how I've been feeling lately. Very overwhelmed.

Of course it is that time of year where everybody is overwhelmed. All the shopping and parties and endless activities and things to do. And being an introvert, the crowded stores and big gatherings exhaust me. Plus I'm dreading the annual fun of having my bitterly divorced parents in the same state in just a few days (oh I wish Christmas could be like our Thanksgiving), this bipolar weather is wreaking havoc on the fibro, and they upped my meds and I just all around feel like crap.

In the midst of all this, I made the mistake of deciding to sew a few gifts this year. They are things the recipients specifically asked for (and know they're getting) so there's no backing out at this point. Plus Daddy keeps declaring, "they will be done". Pfffft. Okay, okay. They will. But I really think I should've probably started a year ago.

Despite all this, Daddy, for the most part, has been super domly lately. Which is a good thing because I'm whatever the opposite of super submissive is. So he's keeping me moving forward instead of curling up with wine and chocolate on the couch and watching endless Lifetime movies. And last weekend he even brought out the flogger and crop for the first time since like last January and all I can say is whoooeeeee it was so awesome and oh how much I needed that.

Anyways in case I don't make it back here before 2015 (which I most likely won't), I want to wish all my blogging friends the happiest of holidays this year!

Thankful

We did something very different this year for Thanksgiving. And it made me realize how thankful I am for this dynamic.

Phillip and I are blessed with lots of extended family. And I do love them and somewhat like them for the most part. Between us we still have five grandparents living, along with numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on. We have parents, step-parents, brothers and a niece and a nephew.

Relationships with our extended family have always been important to us. The majority of our family vacations are either with family or to see family that live in various parts across the country. I'm so glad that our children have gotten the opportunities to meet and build relationships with so many of our family members over the years.

However, not every family is perfect...certainly not ours. And there is nothing like the holidays to shine a bright light on family dysfunction. On my side it's the fallout from a bitter divorce. On Phillip's side it's one family member who raises a lot of drama and changes the 'rules' every year. I'm a people pleaser. Phillip's pretty laid back. So for the most part we just go along with everybody else, bending and shifting at their whims and doing our best to keep the conflict down and keep things peaceful.

For the most part things have worked themselves into annual traditions for the majority of the holidays. But for some reason, Thanksgiving has always been a mess. Every year as November roles around the tension begins. This person doesn't want to host anymore. This person doesn't want to travel so far. This person wants to invite outside family. This person doesn't. And so on.  Every year, I try. Hosting. Not hosting. Doing anything and everything to accommodate so we can have a happy, stress-free holiday. But no matter what, it seems like it's never enough and somebody isn't happy.

This year as the rumblings started, Phillip decided we were done with the drama. We were going to start our own tradition and give our kids a stress-free Thanksgiving to remember and stay home. Unfortunately our choice this year wasn't exactly popular with some family members, but Phillip said not to worry and let him deal with it. So I did and he did and all went well. We had a big family breakfast before vegging out on the couch to watch the parade. Afterwards we put up the Christmas tree followed by a movie while the turkey finished cooking. We had all the favorites -- turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberries, pumpkin pie followed by an evening of playing board games and card games. It was a perfect day.

This morning my oldest remarked it was the best thanksgiving ever and could we do it again that way next year. Her younger sister seconded her request. It warmed my heart to know how much they enjoyed spending the day as just the four of us.

There is no doubt that this dynamic has brought Phillip and I closer. But it's also brought us closer as a family and helped us realign our priorities and time. It's sharpened our communication skills. Because of this our kids seem happier than they were a few years ago. There is less drama and more smiles and lots and lots of talking. They share things with me that I would've never dreamed talking to my parents about.

Not too long ago our oldest brought a smile to my face that when she told me that she no longer worries about her parents are ever divorcing like she used to and she hopes to have a marriage like ours some day. Now I didn't smile because I hoped she really had a marriage exactly like ours someday. Our kids don't know about our dynamic and there are no plans for them to ever know. Our kids aren't seeing the bruises or rules or toys or their mother tied up while their father spanks her. No...all they see is the love and respect this dynamic has brought and that's why I smiled.

So this week I've found myself very thankful for what this dynamic has done in our home. Despite the sicknesses over this past year and the bad days and the 'off' days and steps backwards. Despite how hard it can sometimes seem. But it's all worth it and I am so very very thankful. Thankful for the deepening bond between Phillip and I. And especially thankful for how it's bringing our little family closer together.  

Finding the Groove

This has been a rollercoaster of a year.  We have had so many ups and downs in our journey this year.  It's been difficult.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am a firm believer that obstacles make you stronger.  We have had our share of them in the last 20 years, as have many couples I'm sure.  Those obstacles have made us who we are today and I'm grateful for each one.

I finally feel like we are beginning to find our groove. Finding what works for us at this moment.  We are beginning to start up some simple rituals that reinforce Aurora's submissiveness. We have been able to throw in some denial.  I can be a little bit rougher sexually.  A lot of those things feed my dominance and her submission. The more submissive she is, the more dominant I get.  The more dominant I get, the more it feeds her submissiveness.  And that is how the groove is found between us.  We begin to feed off of each other.

Sure, there are things that we cannot do physically because of Aurora's condition.  My spanking stick has been living a lonely life for the past 10 months, for instance.  While that is something that both Aurora and I enjoy and need, these past months have taught us how to live without the spanking stick, among other things.  There will be a happy and glorious day when the spanking stick is dusted off and returned to it's rightful place across Aurora's ass.  However, at this point we make due without it if we must. 

I'm convinced that these obstacles have made me a better dominant.  They have made Aurora a slightly more patient submissive. As with anything in life, when faced with an obstacle or barrier...you find a way around it. It may change your path temporarily or even permanently, but it should never stop you.  We have had our pauses and at times it may have even felt like we were going backwards, but as long as you don't give up...you find a new path.  And while I may not move down our path at the pace that Aurora prefers, we're moving and we're moving steady.

Happy Love Our Lurkers Day!

I really do love lurkers. Probably because I'm pretty much a professional lurker myself. When Phillip proposed a 'power exchange' to me a few years ago, I had to google the words to see what he was talking about. They led me to this blog (which so happens to be called The Power Exchange). And after reading so many of mouse's wonderful posts, I stumbled across even more blogs. So many nights I sat up reading post after post of all these women out here who actually 'get how I feel'. I laughed...I cried... But I stayed silent and lurked here in blog land for well over a year before I got the courage up to ever leave a comment (and even then it was only because I was ordered to).

I lurk mostly because I'm both shy and quiet and insecure and lurking is my comfort zone. Phillip had me start this blog to push me out of that comfort zone last fall and despite life getting in the way this crazy past year, blog land has led me to some new and wonderful friendships and given me courage to speak up in so many other areas of my life. So I know de-lurking and stepping out of that comfort zone is a good thing.

Lately I've been back in that comfort zone by not posting and commenting very much. I'm actually supposed to be blogging once a week (it's in the rule book), but I've been bad about it and Phillip hasn't said anything...yet. But I probably shouldn't push it. So I'm gonna use this day to stop being such a lurker, and if any fellow lurkers out there want to join me, please do. Go to that blog you really connect with, be brave, and say 'hi'. (I left my first, very timid comment here in blog land on that first blog I found...and then proceeded to throw up. I still freak out every time I leave a comment.)

To everybody who reads, lurks, comments, doesn't comment, or just briefly passes by...Thank You!!!! 

And to anyone who wants to say hi and here, please do. Phillip even shut off the comment moderation. Or even e-mail me at becomingaurora@gmail.com.

Growing

Daddy and I e-mail a lot. That's something we've done throughout our dating years and our marriage. We've expressed feelings, resolved fights, and celebrated important days through e-mails and letters. I still have a lot of them...especially from way back when we first met and were dating. Writing has just always been an important part of our relationship.

It's been even more important as we moved into a D/s type relationship. I actually first told Daddy about my submissive feelings via e-mail and for the first year and a half of the relationship we e-mailed each other every day. When he changed jobs, it dropped to a few times a week or so, but that's because we had more time every evening to just cuddle and talk. We still do that every night, but last winter the e-mailing sort of dropped off.

I think that's when all my fears starting creeping in. It was so much easier to be open with Daddy when writing than it is just to tell him. And sometimes I'm not even sure what I want to say until I actually write it. But it seemed the longer we went without the e-mails, the easier it was to curl up and hide back in myself.

Last month, Daddy started the e-mails up again. At first he'd give me a topic or questions and tell me he wanted me to write an answer by a certain date. But it was sooo hard to try to write again especially so I'd wait until the night before and end up having to ask for an extension.

So then he told me he wasn't giving me a due date, but he hoped to hear back within a week or we were going to discuss communication issues. I was sooo frustrated. Sure, I'm not already feeling submissive and now it felt like he was being less dominant...but dang it worked because that's when all my feelings and fears started pouring out and the e-mails have been pretty non-stop since.

When we first started out and were discussing stuff like what we wanted to do and things we didn't think we could do and what limits there would be, Daddy said he didn't want to close any doors. He hoped I could trust him enough that he'd never do anything to harm me emotionally, physically or mentally. I guess it didn't really all hit me what this meant until a little over a year ago when Daddy surprised me with something that he might be interested trying in the future. It's something that hit me hard in the gut...I remember Daddy was at work and it was nighttime and there was a thunderstorm. I spent the night tossing and turning in bed fighting waves of fears.

When Daddy came home, he found me still awake and crying that I didn't think I could handle it, he made me a promise. That if there was something he really wanted that I couldn't handle, it was his job to help me grow to a place where I can handle it. And if I can't, then that's okay. It took a few days of that same promise, but eventually my fears quieted down and the subject was dropped.

Until this past week...it came out in one of our many e-mails. And Daddy let me ask more questions and share all my fears. As he's been answering me, I've been waiting for that 'punch to the gut' feeling again. I've been waiting for the paralyzing fear. But it's been pretty darn quiet. I'm not quite sure it's something I could handle at this very moment, but suddenly it's not something that I don't think I could not handle either.

I think I've been thinking that this past year has been a waste for us...Daddy said the only focus is on me getting better so the kink has taken a backseat. Pretty much a nonexistent backseat We've just been stuck--maybe even sometimes going backwards. But realizing that something that scared the hell out of me a year ago, no longer does, I can only think that maybe I have been growing. Maybe it's the trust formed every time I've reached and found his hand in the doctors' offices. Maybe it's the way he's taken care of me, the promises he's kept. I've recently had to lower the dosage of my medication because it's been affecting my liver enzymes, so this week the doctor talked about considering the possibility of taking a bigger but riskier approach to fighting this disease I have. It would mean basically restarting my whole immune system and there are quite a few things that could go wrong. But I'm not worried. Daddy will decide what to do and I know it will be the right thing for me. I trust in and believe that with all my heart.

Getting past these recent fears has made me see that things between us have been growing over this past year and maybe I've been wrong about 2014. I've had it in my head that this year has gotten in the way of our TTWD. But maybe TTWD is what's getting us through this year.