I miss blogging and I miss blogland. I really do. I didn’t
mean to not blog for four months. Even without Daddy requiring me to blog, I
still like the outlet. It’s a great way to process feelings sometimes. And I absolutely
adore the reading. The way other bloggers can comfort or help or even open your
mind.
I miss it all. I really do.
But as much as I miss it, it’s just been too hard to be here
this past winter. I feel bad for even saying that because blogland is such a
great place. But every time I attempted to catch up on reading or open the blog
to write, I started thinking about everything I was missing with Daddy and I.
Daddy is still Daddy. We’re still D/s or whatever we are. He’s
still in charge and I have absolutely no doubt about that. But because of this
stupid disease I have, any kind of kink or anything he deems as ‘too stressful’
for me is off the table. No matter how much I beg or plead or say ‘I need’. He’ll
just tell me ‘He needs me to get better and he’s not taking risks with my
health’.
I know this is a good thing and something that truly only
makes me trust him more, but I miss that unbelievable closeness of sitting at
his feet. I miss that ‘sub happy place’. I miss the bruises. I do have bruises
at the moment thanks to all the IVs in my arms over the last month. I just
finished up a round of chemotherapy that will hopefully make this autoimmune disease go away. There’s several of these bruises up and down
my arms. But they’re not his bruises.
I miss that pure feeling of being his.
Most of all I miss that push he gave me. To blog, to write,
to speak up. To find my voice and share it. To be exactly who I am and not be
afraid of that. I really miss that. Because without it I feel like I’m reverting
to that shy fearful anxious little girl I was before all of this. I feel like I’m
hiding myself away, afraid of the world, like a roly poly who curls up every time
it’s touched.
And I miss the healing. Not the outside stuff but the inside
stuff. The way he was helping me overcome parts of me I thought were forever
broken. Now those parts sit abandoned, pieces partially glued back together now
covered with dust.
Daddy will read this and remind me I’m not being patient
(sorry Daddy). And yeah I know. In a few weeks I have an appointment to find
out if the chemo worked. Considering I’ve been pretty much symptom free for the
past few weeks, I’m very hopeful for good news. Because then things can move
forward…we can move forward.
But until then, I’m just trying not to miss everything I
miss so much.
