Summer is usually my favorite season. I love the warmth, the long days, the sounds of kids playing outside and lawnmowers and crickets at night. I love going outside without a coat or shoes and Daddy grilling out and the green grass and the endless blue sky. I even love having my girls at home everyday (although they do tend to get a little cranky by the end of August).
This summer kind of sucked though. Thanks to my meds I have to stay out of the sun and I feel nauseous and tired all the time. It's reminding me of my pregnancies (I had really bad morning sickness). I have no appetite, smells drive me crazy, and just plain feel crappy all the time. On the bright side though, the meds are working and this stupid disease is in remission. I even had to recently lower the dose because it was affecting my liver and it still seems to be in remission plus the lower meds mean less symptoms so I know all the crappiness has been and still is worth it.
But I really didn't start this post to whine about my health yet again. What I really just want to do is force myself to write. Writing has always been helpful for me -- to process my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I'm not even really sure what I'm thinking or feeling until after I write it down. Writing (and sharing it over the past few years) has given me courage to be myself. To stop worrying about what anyone else thinks and let go of those timid and shy parts of myself.
Daddy and I used to talk a lot via e-mail...at one point nearly every day. I blogged here and elsewhere. And I was writing fiction nearly every day. But then all the medical stuff came and I just stopped. Blogging, commenting, e-mailing, even sending text messages. Suddenly I feel myself slipping back into that timid shy person who wants to hide from everybody...even Daddy and I really don't want to go back there.
Daddy's been pushing me...starting to enforce some of the old rules and tasks he's put on hold over the last several months. We've played a little -- nothing super intense (he says this is gonna be slow and cautious), but just enough to make me feel that place again. That place where I want to be open to him, where I want to be his. That place that feels so right.
So please forgive me if I start to ramble again on here. I'm just trying to work on getting those pesky thoughts and feelings out and get some of that courage back. Thanks so much for the comments you've left on my last post. I'm sorry to be so rude and terrible to not answer them for so long (it's this darn introverted shy fear thing I got going on), but really thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words meant a lot and I can't wait to get reading and catch up on everybody's blogs.
